[kishamac02]

I didn't know being an ACoA was a thing, I didn't even realize that I had changed because of it. It always felt like we were going through a rough patch and eventually everything would go back to the way they used to be. "It's just temporary, eventually it'll blow over", I told myself every time my mum fell off the wagon. The longest time she has been sober was when I was 11-15 years old, those were the best years of my life, and after that when things got really bad, I told myself to be grateful that she was sober during the most confusing time of my life.

I researched about characteristics of ACoAs and it felt like I was reading about myself. It didn't feel good coming to this realization that I changed, my friends had mentioned this to me but I always brushed it off. I'm not good at showing or expressing my emotions, but my mind is going crazy now since I have nothing to distract me from how I feel, I'm away from home (in college). It was much easier to suppress my emotions when I was at home, because I was always taking care of someone; but now I feel all these emotions that I don't understand and it's really hurting my grades (I was always a straight A student until now).

Someone recommended counseling which I'm trying out now, but every time I go in I can't bring myself to open up, even though I promise myself that I will be more honest every time. I only ever told 5 people (counselor + doctor included) about my mum's drinking and all those times I said it out loud, it was like I was admitting to myself that we were never going back to the way things were. I had always assumed that my change in behavior was just a teenage phase I was going through, but I'm 20 years now and I still feel broken.

[LightningMan]

Welcome. You have made a wonderful first step. In conjunction with therapy, I would suggest going to F2F ACA meetings, or barring that F2F AlAnon meetings or online ACA or AlAnon meetings. Things got better for me only after doing both simultaneously.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm glad you're in counseling -- you won't regret it. I wish I had done that at the age you are.

I think you know now that things are NOt going back to the way they used to be. Once you really admit that to yourself, it will be easier. And once you REALLY open up to your therapist, things will be much easier too. You have to be open and honest with your therapist in order for your therapy to really work. Not only that, but you'll feel so much freer. The load will feel lighter, and you won't feel like you're hiding anymore. Before telling my therapist everything, I had felt like I'd been hiding all my life. Even in elementary school, I knew things were weird in my home -- I never was able to have friends in the house. Not once did I ever have a friend at home -- ever.

Both my parents were alcoholics. And lo and behold, I became one too. Who would have thought. But, children learn what they live. I drank heavily for 20 years, and finally had enough -- and i've been sober almost 20 years. Alcoholism can be inherited. It passes thru families -- so be vigilant, as you could be a victim yourself or perhaps any children you may have. My son was on life support due to liver failure -- how he survived even confuses the doctors. He's recuperating at home right now.

So please be open and honest with the therapist, and get everything out. Don't leave anything out. You're talking about your life here. You feel broken now, but in time you'll feel whole again. I promise. God bless and please take good care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[kishamac02]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ I'm glad you're in counseling -- you won't regret it. I wish I had done that at the age you are.

I think you know now that things are NOt going back to the way they used to be. Once you really admit that to yourself, it will be easier. And once you REALLY open up to your therapist, things will be much easier too. You have to be open and honest with your therapist in order for your therapy to really work. Not only that, but you'll feel so much freer. The load will feel lighter, and you won't feel like you're hiding anymore. Before telling my therapist everything, I had felt like I'd been hiding all my life. Even in elementary school, I knew things were weird in my home -- I never was able to have friends in the house. Not once did I ever have a friend at home -- ever.

Both my parents were alcoholics. And lo and behold, I became one too. Who would have thought. But, children learn what they live. I drank heavily for 20 years, and finally had enough -- and i've been sober almost 20 years. Alcoholism can be inherited. It passes thru families -- so be vigilant, as you could be a victim yourself or perhaps any children you may have. My son was on life support due to liver failure -- how he survived even confuses the doctors. He's recuperating at home right now.

So please be open and honest with the therapist, and get everything out. Don't leave anything out. You're talking about your life here. You feel broken now, but in time you'll feel whole again. I promise. God bless and please take good care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

Thanx for the advice,

I know I should be more open & honest. Every time I go in for counseling, I promise myself that I'll do just that, but once I get there, it's like I forget all my words, I space-out a lot and then ask my counselor to repeat the question, and the room starts to feel like it's getting smaller and smaller.

Before I went for my 1st session, I knew that we would have to talk about my feelings and I couldn't just rationalize my way through it, but it never occurred to me how hard it would be to even think about how I really feel until I went in. I actually googled "how to be more open" after that, it didn't help much (judging from the proceeding sessions). I still plan on being more open & honest with my counselor, but it'll probably take a while because I've never done this before.

[kishamac02]

Originally Posted by LightningMan

Welcome. You have made a wonderful first step. In conjunction with therapy, I would suggest going to F2F ACA meetings, or barring that F2F AlAnon meetings or online ACA or AlAnon meetings. Things got better for me only after doing both simultaneously.

Thanks for the tip,
I'll look for a meeting in my area. Just one question, is it mandatory that I talk in the first meeting? I'm not very good at sharing my feelings and doing it in front of several people I just met may be incredibly difficult for me.

[JadeAmethyst]

When beginning recovery, remember it is recovery.

Good luck on your new journey you are in good company here. Stay plugged into your life, take seriously good care of yourself eat, sleep, exercise, get a hobby or two, read literature (but NOT too much), listen, learn, and love you the most and always.

My best to you
Bon Chance
JA

[LightningMan]

Originally Posted by kishamac02

Thanks for the tip,
I'll look for a meeting in my area. Just one question, is it mandatory that I talk in the first meeting? I'm not very good at sharing my feelings and doing it in front of several people I just met may be incredibly difficult for me.

As far as I know there is no rule about sharing in the first meeting.

[avlady]

I am hopeful you will open up at your meetings as you'll find that others stories will relate to yourself. You are going to AA? I remember I sat in a few meetings in my city, when i was younger, and i met people that had stories so bad I walked out feeling like the Queen of the alcholics, they wrote me poems, I played the piano,they all told their stories without me even having to say a word as their words were me myself.

[7thbird]

Hi,
Big hugs to you. I found out that I am ACA long ago, and even started a therapy, however my therapist was ignoring my stories and kept saying that I was making things up!!!! Much later I figured out that he was alcoholic himself:/
I am sure you will have much more positive experience, please keep us posted about your progress.
All the best

[kishamac02]

I finally went for my first ACA meeting, but it was felt really uncomfortable for me. Maybe it's not for me, or maybe I'm just moving too fast on this whole recovery journey. I was really hoping that I would have everything worked out by April (count on me to set a deadline for recovery), but I don't feel any different after some therapy sessions and an ACA meeting. I'm having this conflicting argument going on in my head on whether I should stop or just continue and see where it goes. Or maybe I should take a break for now and I'll continue if I find that I really need therapy or help.
Any thoughts?

[WhatItIs]

I tried ACA meeting when I was in college. I personally did not like being in a group to discuss my experiences/feelings either. I never went back. If group sessions aren't for you, I say skip them. They make me feel SO uncomfortable. I found one-on-one therapy sessions more beneficial. I never went for long stretches of time though, honestly.

Over the years, just knowing other people from similar situations and talking/sharing with them is probably the best therapy I had for reconciling the damage done to my psyche thanks to my alcoholic father. When I was your age, I still didn't know anyone who would understand though. I wish the internet had been like this back then! Forums such as this one would've been wonderful. So please share as much as you'd like here!

I agree you should be cautious for any addictive behaviors, as I do believe alcoholism can be a learned behavior ( I know that's how my father became one). However, I do not think it's a 'sentence' by any means. I've never had any addictions or predisposition to that at all.

[whiteroses40]

Originally Posted by kishamac02

I didn't know being an ACoA was a thing, I didn't even realize that I had changed because of it. It always felt like we were going through a rough patch and eventually everything would go back to the way they used to be. "It's just temporary, eventually it'll blow over", I told myself every time my mum fell off the wagon. The longest time she has been sober was when I was 11-15 years old, those were the best years of my life, and after that when things got really bad, I told myself to be grateful that she was sober during the most confusing time of my life.

I researched about characteristics of ACoAs and it felt like I was reading about myself. It didn't feel good coming to this realization that I changed, my friends had mentioned this to me but I always brushed it off. I'm not good at showing or expressing my emotions, but my mind is going crazy now since I have nothing to distract me from how I feel, I'm away from home (in college). It was much easier to suppress my emotions when I was at home, because I was always taking care of someone; but now I feel all these emotions that I don't understand and it's really hurting my grades (I was always a straight A student until now).

Someone recommended counseling which I'm trying out now, but every time I go in I can't bring myself to open up, even though I promise myself that I will be more honest every time. I only ever told 5 people (counselor + doctor included) about my mum's drinking and all those times I said it out loud, it was like I was admitting to myself that we were never going back to the way things were. I had always assumed that my change in behavior was just a teenage phase I was going through, but I'm 20 years now and I still feel broken.

I'm an ACOA. It takes time to heal from the wounds inflicted by your parent. It's a journey not a marathon. My father was a mean alcoholic. Fear ran rampant in my family when he drank. I learned to be hyper vigilant, be a parent and a caregiver at an early age. I had a hard time expressing how I felt about any subject matter. It's taken years of therapy, several books on Adult Children of Alcoholics for me to reach a point where I can forgive my father for the terror he caused in our home. Be kind to yourself. You are not alone. There are millions of us (ACOA's).

Our stories may vary but we share common characteristics as ACOA's. These characteristics don't define who we are but provides us a name for what has happened to us.

Do volunteer work while in college. Focus on your future by channeling the rest of your energy into your school work. Use those negative feelings to your advantage. When I was in college, I used my anger to get straight A's to make my family jealous. My way of getting back at them for being so mean to me. Continue to go to therapy and if your therapist is unresponsive to what your going through it may mean that you'll have to find a therapist who is well versed in ACOA's. Most of all be kind to yourself.

[Atypical_Disaster]

I finally went for my first ACA meeting, but it was felt really uncomfortable for me. Maybe it's not for me, or maybe I'm just moving too fast on this whole recovery journey. I was really hoping that I would have everything worked out by April (count on me to set a deadline for recovery), but I don't feel any different after some therapy sessions and an ACA meeting. I'm having this conflicting argument going on in my head on whether I should stop or just continue and see where it goes. Or maybe I should take a break for now and I'll continue if I find that I really need therapy or help.
Any thoughts?

Expecting to suddenly feel different and have everything worked out this early on isn't realistic. Change happens over time.

My advice is to stick with it. What do you have to lose at this point?

[StrongerMan]

Just my 2 cents. As a guy I feel that I need feedback and to get a response or at lease someone to say... hey, I feel that way too. Just venting to a bunch of people smiling back at me might be helpful for some but I didn't get much from it. I also am not big on 12 step programs as I feel my spirituality is a private matter. Hence, I don't attend church. The meetings in my area all included holding hands in a circle and saying the Lord's Prayer at the end. I was not comfortable with that. A good ol' social meet-up group would be better for me as I do appreciate and prefer face to face interaction vs. online chats.