[tired1210]

I recieved a call 2 weeks ago, my mother had been found dead at the bottom of the swimming pool.
I'd been expecting a call like this for a long time, found dead due to an accident because of her drinking.
My immediate reaction was anger. I was so angry that this is how it ends. She had everything, a family, a nice home, but she threw it all away. Such a waste.
It didn't help that my parents live in a small city, so this was 'news'. It was all over the television news stations, in all of the papers. The headline was "Woman found dead in pool", and beneath was a picture of my parent's house.
I cut ties with her 5 years ago after I gave her an ultimatum. I took a glass of wine out of her hand and said it was either me, future holidays together, a possible wedding, any grandkids, or this glass of wine in my hand. She looked at me, chuckled, and took the wine from my hand. At that moment, it was as if she died, she was out of my life, my mother was gone. That was a very hard time for me. But I got past it. After going through that process, I knew I could no longer let her into my life. I couldn't handle it mentally and emotionally anymore.
Her memorial service is this Friday. I can't even describe how much I do not want to go. If it wasn't for my father, I can guarantee I would not be going. I'm pretty sure that some family members are judging me over how I am coping with all of this. Under 'normal' circumstances, people are devistated over the death of a parent. I can't say I fit that.
Since her death, I've been having random nightmares. Last night I had one where she was driving me to work and she was drunk, weaving in and out of lanes. I woke up in such a panic.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting on this site. I've read some very honest, helpful and supportive responses on other posts. Maybe that? Maybe hoping that by typing all of this out and sharing it that the nightmares will stop?

[costello]

I'm so sorry, tired. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that your story touched me.

[IowaFarmGal]

Welcome tired. I'm so sorry for your loss, even though you really lost her years ago. I hope the forums do help you move past this. Will you go to support your Dad and try to let go of how it should have been? I hope no one takes their grief out on you. I'm sure all of you have a lot to work through.

[Janae]

Devastating.. yes, I believe it is. You may not fit that exactly, but surely you're hurting and have sought solace on this forum. I hope you find the comfort you need during this difficult time of grieving for your dear lost mother. Please don't blame her for the choice she made; she was addicted and her mind was affected when that happened. People do the craziest things to justify their addictions and continue them.

[Sabrina]

I'm very sorry for your loss. So tragic. I have been expecting my own mother to be found dead by me or my son on numerous occasions.

So sorry about what happened. I found out my dad died a couple of years ago. He wasn't really in my life, he too chose drinking. I found out he was walking at 4:00 in the morning and got hit by a car. Was he walking home from a bar? I'll never know, but hugs to you because even though you lost your mom so long ago, and not really sure how to feel, just embrace how you feel whatever comes up.

I would do what my deepest feelings told me was the right thing to do. You cannot be
wrong when you follow your deepest principles.

[shaggydoo]

Tired – I am so sorry for your loss. I believe that the nightmare you described gives good clues to the internal tension you may be feeling. In your dream you said that your mother is in the drivers seat taking you to work. Having her in the drivers seat is symbolic of how you value her. In a sense, she still has the drivers seat (love??) in some part of your life. Or, that you wish she could have been the strong, stable, confident and caring parent that she wasn’t. Although you stated that you cut ties with her, that innocent little girl inside you still loves her mother (this is what I believe), I doubt that ever changed, even if you verbalized something different as an adult. I truly hope that you have good people in your circle that you can trust and can help you grieve I think that little girl inside you still needs to grieve the loss of her mother. The weaving in the lanes could be symbolic of your view of your life when your mother was in it, feeling out of control, can’t rely on her etc… the part where she is driving you to work could be how you felt that you had to choose between her and a healthy life (stable work, children, spouse, etc.) what is interesting is that you said that this was in form of nightmare as opposed to just a dream. So I wonder if you are feeling some guilt over cutting ties with her?? Or anger when she took the glass over a relationship with you? you deserve resolution of your nightmares and the loss of your mother. I hope this post helps you on your journey wherever that may lead.

[avlady]

I feel so awful about this, i hope you can grieve healthy.

[shortandcute]

I'm so sorry about this; and, just for the record, I don't blame you for the anger you feel.