[gnat]

My dad has been sober (from alcohol) for around 12 years, since I was in my late 20's. He continued to be high on pain pills up until a few months ago, not that he was a major junkie, but his doctor over-prescribed them and he took them as indicated.

Over the past few months my dad's health has deteriorated significantly. His doctor treating his new health issues has dramatically decreased his pain pills, keeping him on just enough that he isn't going through withdrawals, but he now has his mind back. It's funny because I had no idea my dad has been high for years, I thought his symptoms were the result of a few strokes he had many moons ago, but now he is magically better.

So, here we are today, building a relationship with my now mentally present father as he prepares to die. Sounds fun, right? (Ok, well maybe not). Where it starting to go south is as in trying to build a relationship with my father and make small talk as us kids are on a check in schedule with him to make sure he is OK, I shared some highly inappropriate things my children have said to make him laugh, such as my 4 your old using the F-bomb twice. My Dad was not so much amused but concerned, saying I need to get the boy to church, and also became upset with me when he learned we are going to the state fair on a hot and humid day because the kids will get dehydrated.

Perhaps if he had been a better father I wouldn't have been so offended, but I grew up listening to this man call my mom a B****, a wh***, he would use the f-bomb toward her, and beat her. He would get drunk and make inappropriate sexual comments toward women, even teenage girls who were friends of my sisters, and do it in front of mom and us kids. This is how I grew up in his care, and he is telling me my boy needs to go to church because he dropped the f-bomb twice?

Oh yes, and the worry about taking them to the fair on a hot, humid day. Because that is much worse than leaving your wife and kids out in the car in the summer while you get hammered at the bar and you'll need a ride home. Or the times he drove completely s***faced, speeding down the freeway with mom in shotgun, crying and begging him to slow down or let her drive before he kills us all.

I know this was all a long time ago, he is now sober, and we can't change the past, but how dare he slam my parenting? What gives him the right?

I guess I'm probably just being oversensitive. The past few months have been incredibly rough on me emotionally, but it's hard to let it go, especially because dad doesn't let things go. Instead they escalate. Once you're in his sights, your only hope is that one of the other kids will screw up worse and take his focus off of you.

[avlady]

That's awful about the way he treated your mother, and you all those years!! He has no right to slam your parenting, but maybe he is just trying to get you to not make the mistakes he made? I would even say he shouldn't be around your kids, that could make it escalate too.Just try to put up with him the best you can, and maybe he or you could see a therapist if you don't already.

[Perna]

I'm sorry you are going through all this now. I would have a hard time with your father's comments if I were also concerned about my sons using the f-bomb or needing to remember to make sure they got enough hydration at the fair but otherwise it would almost seem funny, the frying pan calling the oil fattening :-) I would maybe set his mind at ease with a "got that covered" or something for the hydration and a "when was the last time you were in church?" sincere question/conversation for the f-bomb, to see what "extra" might be going on in his life (did he recently get religion?). I know when my stepmother was in a Catholic assisted living facility she suddenly got interested in the Catholic church (she was a very lapsed Methodist when we were young).

But I would totally ignore any care/thought that he is actually concerned with parenting me; remember, he has very few interactions with the outside world these days and nothing that matters anymore? Trying to make himself matter, whether to himself or "over" you, it has to come out someplace?

Forgiveness is a very strong and difficult virtue. I know what it's like to have an arse of a father, much like your own, but holding onto this hatred for so long is only ever going to harm you.

Your dad seems to be turning a new leaf, very slowly, and being on deaths doorstep causes many to do the same. I believe he's trying to stop you from becoming him, and the more your hatred of him seethes, the better chance you'll turn into him.

I obviously don't know you personally, but it's best to let go of the past and find it in yourself to forgive. If not for him, then for yourself and your family.

The stress you're feeling now, everyone in your house feels. If you want to save yourself, and your children, then find it in your heart or your mind to move past it all.

Good luck, best wishes.

~Tirekyll

[JadeAmethyst]

[quote=Tirekyll;3239932]Forgiveness is a very strong and difficult virtue. I know what it's like to have an arse of a father, much like your own, but holding onto this hatred for so long is only ever going to harm you.

Your dad seems to be turning a new leaf, very slowly, and being on deaths doorstep causes many to do the same. I believe he's trying to stop you from becoming him, and the more your hatred of him seethes, the better chance you'll turn into him.

I obviously don't know you personally, but it's best to let go of the past and find it in yourself to forgive. If not for him, then for yourself and your family.

The stress you're feeling now, everyone in your house feels. If you want to save yourself, and your children, then find it in your heart or your mind to move past it all.

Thanks for this, it is a very helpful point for me to hear this.

There is a song I heard once the lyrics of which are: "you only become what you hate." so far this for me has been true to life experience.

regards
Jade

[JadeAmethyst]

My Father's behavior was similar to yours. He got older, ill and eventually died. During that time he did attempt to re-parent me also and most of the time it would touch many nerves and open old scar tissues. It wasn't pleasant, guess it isn't meant to be though at the point of illness (any kind) there is always some fears, guilt, anger, tenderness, sadness, regrets, all kind of conflicting love, hate, and all shades in between for a long time before and during and after my Father died.
Today, I have a different feeling for him as a person, and that has been helpful for my grief as well as understanding my own life also.

During the time all this happened for me, I wish I had known about PC it is a true resource and support.

If there is a local grief support for you it may be of help too. I hope you will keep posting here.

regards
Jade

[gnat]

I don't hate my father, I never have. Despite all he put us through, I love him very much. I do get angry with him when I am reminded of ways he failed me or get jealous as he doesn't give the attention to my children that he gives to two of his other grandchildren.

I guess what I am frustrated with wasn't just his comments on my parenting. (Thanks dad, I've got this covered and you're the last one I'd go to with parenting advice). It was mostly the condescending tone he used. The tone brought me back to the days of my childhood as he used it with my mother too. I remember the tone always escalating.

And, yes, my father did find God.

[gnat]

Perna- Now that I've had some time (I typed this up right away after the hydration comment) I do see the humor in it. I have since relayed the story to my sibling as "the funny thing dad said."

I'm not even angry about it anymore, just concerned his behaviors will escalate as I have known them to in the past.

[Perna]

If he's dying, what does it hurt to practice being gracious and a good child? Parents mess their kids up but, usually, kids aren't all that easy to raise either? Now we're older and have children of our own, we can see that so working to correct some of our earlier, ignorant, selfish defects can't hurt us.

My stepmother got senile and she'd call on the phone and we'd get into a fight and she'd hang up on me and I'd be all bent out of shape but then she'd call again 5 minutes later, not remembering the previous call and I'd get a second chance! It takes two people to have a relationship problem?

I can be part of a solution as well as part of a problem. Do you really want your child using the f*bomb? Your father's solution doesn't have to be right but can you thank your father for bringing it to your attention? "Caring" and connecting in that way doesn't cost much and it is good practice for all relationships, not just those that are difficult. We often have such automatic responses we learned in childhood; the automatic "pushing away" we do like you have described above? That gets to be a habit and I would rather practice and develop a connection habit than a pushing away one.

[gnat]

I've worked all my life to be good. It has stuck as an adult, striving for perfection as I had hopen prayed when I was young enough that maybe if I was good enough he wouldn't beat mom up. Thing is, no matter how good we were, he still did it. When you have an abusive alcoholic in the family it only take one to stir the pot. He's come home drunk and tipped mom out of bed to beat her up. What do you feel she did to deserve this?

I do behave still to this day in my father's presence. He doesn't know I was offended by the comment because I played the goof little conflict avoiding girl I have been all my life.

[QUOTE=Perna;3243419]If he's dying, what does it hurt to practice being gracious and a good child? Parents mess their kids up but, usually, kids aren't all that easy to raise either? Now we're older and have children of our own, we can see that so working to correct some of our earlier, ignorant, selfish defects can't hurt us.

My stepmother got senile and she'd call on the phone and we'd get into a fight and she'd hang up on me and I'd be all bent out of shape but then she'd call again 5 minutes later, not remembering the previous call and I'd get a second chance! It takes two people to have a relationship problem?

I can be part of a solution as well as part of a problem. Do you really want your child using the f*bomb? Your father's solution doesn't have to be right but can you thank your father for bringing it to your attention? "Caring" and connecting in that way doesn't cost much and it is good practice for all relationships, not just those that are difficult. We often have such automatic responses we learned in childhood; the automatic "pushing away" we do like you have described above? That gets to be a habit and I would rather practice and develop a connection habit than a pushing away one.[/QUOTE]