[cureav]

Since Adult Children of Alcoholics struggle with low self-worth, how do you build your self-esteem? How do you do that if not from the external sources?

[kaliope]

I started by finding one undeniable truth about me. there were many things my negative mind could tell me wasn't true, that I was worthless or people only loved me because they had to or because I did things for them so I has to find indisputable facts about me. so no matter how low I felt, I could not deny its truth. I am a good writer....not in emails and on here because I am also a lazy writer..lol...but professionally I am an excellent writer. my reports are outstanding. I got A's on all my papers thru out school and college. teachers raved about them. there is no denying that I am a good writer. so when I am feeling down on myself about something, I could say, yeah, I may suck at that, but I am an excellent writer and feel good again. then I found antoher fact and antoehr and another until I had a whole file of indisputable facts for myself. over the years I eventually was even able to say that other people loved me without disputing it. but having this file greatly boosted my self esteem. I can say I have good self esteem today because of it. it took years of work but it all started with one indisputable fact.

[brainhi]

It took a long time for me to feel good about who I am. I also recognize the things that I do very well. I do feel internal satisfaction. It's also great to have it reinforced by others I respect. But I still struggle with this - but not like I use to

It may sound simple but you do need to stop self sabotaging yourself. In the manner you would encourage a child or someone you treasure in your life, you learn to do the same thing for yourself.

Another big step I made is that I do not try to live by other people's standards (uless you are being paid for a job)... I do not compare myself to others.

After many years...I like myself better than I ever did. I also had to let go of a few people including family that did not treat me well...

I got help and support from professionals - not all were great but I learned something from every one of them. I remember telling my 1st therapist, when I was in high school, that she was only there for me because she is getting paid for it. Which I still remember that her reaction was loving....and I learned to believe that she really did care.

Every day, every year gets better.

[Perna]

You cannot build "self" esteem from external sources. Think of something you like about yourself, say your sense of humor or creativity, imagination, honesty, intelligence, some trait you enjoy and look for ways to use it to help you think better about yourself. For example, I did not like how I was putting myself down so I used my imagination and humor to create "support" for myself -- the mental image of two or three little guys in togas carrying a Corinthian column through the empty dome of my head between my ears and "setting it up" and then running out the other side. So, when I caught myself talking negatively about myself I'd yell, "Support!" and in they'd come. It made me smile every time and got me out of the habit of putting myself down instead of just working to solve whatever problem/situation I was encountering. Sometimes, too, I take on the self-critic; "he" always seems to use vague, "simple" words and concepts and claims that are unsubstantiated. I'm smarter than that!

I don't worry about the "usual" accomplishments -- graduating school, etc. -- any that I feel "anyone" could do/everyone does? If I am doing something because I am "supposed to" (school, have a job, etc.) then I do not expect to feel accomplished -- I look around for what I want for myself and then I have no trouble being glad/feeling good when I achieve that goal?

[BLUEDOVE]

Ah, BRAVO PERNA,BRAVO!

Cureav,
Treat yourself to the Master on the subject,
Nathaniel Branden;the man helped change my life.
I recommend: "Honoring The Self " and " The Six
Pillars of Self-Esteem". It will be a great investment
in dear self.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[cureav]

I really enjoyed reading your responses Thank you for your opinions!!!

[spondiferous]

Well said, Perna.