Do parents need the child as much as the child needs the parents

As I've gotten older I've realized just how much both my parents relied on me in certain aspects that weren't very obvious. I found myself parenting my parents at times throughout my life, even when I was very young.
My mom would often cry to me and I would have to comfort her.
My dad relied on me in his own way but definitely not as much as my mom did.
This created a strained relationship between me and my mom because when she was busy treating me like her mini-me, her mother, or her best gossip friend she forgot to actually treat me as her daughter.
She leaned on me emotionally in unhealthy ways. If I didn't agree with her bad mouthing her coworker, she would hold it against me. Its not even that I wanted to be involved but she would literally drag me into her own dramas and if I had an opinion slightly different from hers she would withhold love.

In a lot of ways she seemed emotionally stunted. She often reminded me of a teenager with petty attitude problems as opposed to a grown middle aged adult. I used to feel happy that she would treat me on the same level as her but eventually I felt obligated and burdened. She wasn't upholding her role as a mother, she was shifting it onto me. The tables felt flipped a lot of times.

So as I've gotten older, and I look back on my relationships with my parents, I often wonder how much they needed me as opposed to how much I needed them. My dad is also getting older and I find him being less of a father figure and more of a dependent figure - this comes with being elderly, I know. My mom didn't have this excuse though, especially when I was 6+.

Do parents need the child as much as the child needs the parents?
This is in the ACOA forum because my mother was an alcoholic, by the way.

I remember being pulled into inappropriate peer status with my parents. A lot of what you say resonates with me. What felt flattering to me as a child, I now look back at as very unfortunate. My parents turned to me to hear about their marital troubles, their financial disagreements. Not what I should have had on my mind.

Thank you for sharing this here, CosmicRose. I've been questioning this myself for a long time.

I don't recall ever really feeling like my parents needed me, but I have been there to help guide my mother through her own issues. My dad was the drinker, but I found that after my brother and I had moved out, she began hitting the bottle pretty hard too. It was no doubt a way to block out my dad, since he can be seriously invasive and loud.

There came a night where they were both completely off the wall and my mom came into the kitchen to pour another drink. They had been on sort of a rampage for about a week and I happened to be standing there. I took the bottle before she could grab it, lifted it over her head, and asked what she was doing. She started grabbing at me and begging for the bottle. I told her very calmly that she needs to look at what she was doing to herself because it was going to destroy her the same way it already had my father. It must have been a miracle of some kind, because that was the last time I know of where she had more than one or two drinks in a single day. This was about five or six years ago. More recently, I helped her take the steps toward helping herself and my father.

To answer your question more directly, I've always felt more dependent on my parents. My dad never had a use for me, so I went to mom for everything and she usually didn't lay a whole lot on me, but I was always receptive of her. Because of my relationship with her and the couple of times she really needed me, she listened. We still talk about every other day, but it's balanced now and we just talk about what's going on.

I can only speak from my own experience, but I think it depends on a lot of variables. If I came out a football player or a republican, maybe the whole dynamic would have been different.

You said it perfectly, "What felt flattering to me as a child, I now look back at as very unfortunate." I feel the exact same way. It's difficult to explain, too. My mom really unloaded all of her worries, thoughts, troubles, judgements onto me and I soaked it up like a sponge. She was very erratic and emotional, it was like living with a loaded cannon that could go off at any second and often did.

She treated me like her equal since I was in elementary school, I think she purposely chose that parenting style because she was never close with her mother, so she must have thought by doing that we would have become close but man it really alienated me and looking back I just crave the mother I didn't get. I didn't get to experience a normal childhood because of that. It also made my world feel less safe because I saw my own mom breaking down so often, then me having to clean up the mess, it was scary. I felt mature even at age 7 because of what I had seen and the things she told me.

I brought this up to her when I grew up and she would say things like "Oh please, you're just too weak or sensitive." She really doesn't get it. She thought she was somehow doing me a favor I guess?

Yep... we usually grow up very fast. Which in some ways helped me with life in general and other ways has been a hindrance while I try and trust others.

I went to a Catholic school when I was young. It was a small town and they knew about my mom's mental state and my dad's behavior. I was in about 4th grade and the principal, Father something (lol) had a meeting with me to make sure I was doing OK.. I still remember his feedback is that when he met with me, it felt like he was talking with a 20 yr old. I guess my family was proud but now we know what that really meant.

My parents took turns seeking me out as an ally. Each was looking for affirmation from me. In my mid-teens, I stopped being willing to commiserate with my mother, as though she were the victim. The withdrawal of affection that come about on the heels of that was very hurtful to me. Children should not be asked to take sides in their parents' troubled marriage. That shouldn't be the "price" of parental love. I became less and less willing to be an audience for one parent denigrating the other. They both did it. I find myself, even now, asking myself if that was really so bad. When that's all you know, it's hard to even figure out that this is not a normal part of being someone's daughter.

I loved both my parents. But what they seemed to want was not my love, so much as my being available to vindicate each of them. Of course, as I got older, I could see how much each contributed to the dysfunction. I even imagined that I could "counsel" them into a better relationship with each other. By the time I was mid-way through high school, all I wanted was to get out of that house.

Yes same thing happened to me. My mom hated that I wasn't on her side when she would be horrible to my dad, she didn't realize the amount of pain she was causing in the family, it was constant fighting every night that she started and she was expecting me to side with her and see her as the victim, when she simply wasn't. She often said things like "You made your bed, now sleep in it. You took your father's side." I said "You gave me no choice, you were making my life a living hell." She thinks somehow I was supposed to either stay out of it completely or take her side, but how is one supposed to stay out of it completely when their mother is screaming at my dad who had a host of physical health problems and nearly physically attacking him (which she also did sometimes) and other strange horrible mental behaviors that I had to endure from her? To put it bluntly, she made what should have been a safe environment into a very toxic one. And yet I was still supposed to either stay out of it or take her side? Hmm...

She thought me, my sister and my dad "ganged up on her" and she had no idea she was shutting us all out because of the way she was treating us, when all I wanted was a loving mother. She even said once that she was "too busy to be a loving mother" because she was working, but yet she had all the time in the world to be abusive? Doesn't make sense to me...

Wow, these posts really resonate with me! My dad, who died in 2001, was the alcoholic and my mom, who died in April, was definitely codependent. Unfortunately, she allowed and encouraged me to become her ally against my dad. So I became her protector, from the age of about 12!! When my parents fought, I would get in the middle and defend my mom and she liked and encouraged it! Not appropriate!!! My behavior then alienated me from my dad, and he came to really dislike me. Mom should not have allowed this! She should have been the parent!

After dad died, I became very codependent with my mom, which is something I didn't recognize until she died. My friends would tell me,"you're such a good daughter", but they didn't realize that I was putting mom's feelings first and mine were always second. I felt sorry for my mom because she had such a ****** marriage and I wanted to help her have a better life. I don't think this is wrong, and I am not sorry that I did this, but I want to stop this kind of behavior in my othe relationships, going forward.

I guess the thing with alcohol is that in the short term it helps you feel good. Relaxed and calm. It helps you feel more sociable. It helps hurtful comments roll off your back (it gives you a thicker skin) and it helps you find other people to be witty and entertaining whereas you might not find them so very amusing in a more sober frame of mind.

Of course for every high there is a low and things turn sour... But in the short term it can be very appealing.

I guess... People who tend to over-use or abuse alcohol are people who really do have a hard time of things without it. For them to think the short term upside is worth it. Otherwise... Why would they do it?

It is hard being a kid... You need to learn so much to make your way competently in the world... It is really hard when parents don't have a bunch of skills that would be really useful... How are we supposed to learn when they can't teach us? Can take years... That's for sure...

Do excuse my jumping in here, as I'm NOT ACOA. Just clicking past and wanted to read this.

I am an addict. (NA) I am also a mother, and HAVE parents.

I went to rehab in 2011, and gave my daughter to my Mumma. Was just getting sorted out and planning to have my baby back, when I almost died in a bad bad car accident and *I* left hospital and went home to MY mum.

I was just well enough mid last year, and planned to have my baby move in with me. My daughter decided she didn't want to move in with me. So my Mum and Dad are parenting her full time now.

Things got tense with both me and my Mum mothering my little girl. Somehow we grew into a new dynamic, and I am now the Big Sister, and I let Mum alone do the parenting.

So my daughter and I are kinda in the 'equal' pattern now. I don't have to enforce veggies, bedtimes, curfews, whatnot. Just try and set a good example.

When I was really broken after the accident, (was able to do about what a 2 year old could do) and couldn't feed or dress myself, my daughter stepped up quite a bit and did my hair, grabbed stuff I needed (wheelchair) and couldn't reach.

Now we interact on a far more adult base. I do try and make sure I don't put too much on her, because she is 10yo. Just a kid. I do however, need her. We are close, and I make sure our relationship is happy, and close, and she knows she can depend on me for anything she needs.

She talks to me more like a sister now, and shares more than she probably would've before when I was being Mum. Now that MY Mum is mothering her, and I am not in that parent role, she seems able to share more. It's really silly, because I am exactly the same, I just don't need to pull her up on her behaviour, or do mum kinda things.

I do need her though. I don't think I would wanna live without her. It was horrid finding out she wanted to stay with my Mum. I almost died. They say that losing a child (dying) is the worst thing ever. Whereas parents are expected to die first.

I am very close with my Mum. I need her a lot. I cannot imagine my life without either of them. <3

There is no perfect family. It would be wonderful if individuals felt safe and loved overall. No one wants to be a pawn in any situation

This was my experience as well. At this point, I really resent my parents for that. I feel like I missed out on forming relationships with my own peer group. My friendships weren't as strong as they should have been because I was too busy being friends with my mother, who discouraged me from taking steps that would have taken me away from her (going away to college, learning how to drive, moving out).

That's what happened to me. Each of my parents seemed to look at me as best friend. My father didn't want my mother having any friends. I used to ask her why she never invited the lady next door over for coffee. They liked each other. She said that my father would be angry, if he came home and found a neighbor visiting. So she was always having me sit with her for hours at a time, listening to the story of her life. Some of it was interesting and appropriate. But it was too much. If my father went anywhere, he always wanted me to go along with him. Again, some of that was fine. But it was just too much. I was so occupied in being involved with the both of them, plus looking after younger sibs, that I revolved my own life around the home more than I should have. It felt like a full life to me, and I felt useful. But my involvements were very out of balance.

In my case, it was my father who was dead set against me going away to college, or ever moving out. Those became my burning ambitions and I made them happen. There was too much tension in the home from periods when my parents weren't talking to each other. I came to understand that I was never going to have much impact on how they dealt with each other. All I wanted was to get away from it. As my life came to be more about me than about them, they seemed to have less and less interest in me. In the end, I wasn't very close with my parents at all. It felt sad.

all of these experiences mirror my own.

my entire reason for seeking out the ACoA community is because my marriage has fallen apart and i have no real friends or relationship to speak of to help me get through the divorce.

i'm slowly learning that the reason i don't have close relationships is because i never learned how to develop them as a child.

my family went from wealthy and social to bankrupt and isolated when i was 9. my parents taught me shame and to hide from any and all social situations. when my parents relationship was rocky because of my dads drinking i became my moms therapist. i was told all kinds of things i shouldn't know as a kid and it still haunts me to this day...and i'm in my 30s.

i'm trying to figure out how to let it go and learn to develop close relationships with people.. ones that don't involve me saving them from whatever emotional crisis they happen to be in that i willingly envelope myself in so i don't have to address my own issues.