[autumn15]

Hi Everyone,

I suppose i just feel like venting to some others who might understand how I am feeling. (I am not quite sure i even understand how i am feeling though!)

I am 26, the daughter of a mother who has abused alcohol for as long as I can remember. I would consider her a high functioning alcoholic to some degree.

Her worst trait when she is drinking is her narcissism. She makes everything about her, how great she is, how perfect she is, how terrible everyone else is and how stressful and terrible her current life is and how much she has given up for other people, how great her life used to be 30 years ago etc etc etc.

This behaviour has been especially prevalent in the last few months and i feel like shaking her and telling her to build a bridge and start enjoying life instead of wasting so much energy making yourself miserable. Her drinking makes everything seem worse and the way she carries on you would think she lived in the gutter with no limbs and no family. It is even starting to creep into her personality on the off chance that she is sober.

It makes me so irritated and upset that I cannot seem to feel comfortable around her lately. I feel like i may as well not be there or talk to her because at much as she whinges, I can never give advice, i can never share anything about myself and it is just down right draining. It makes me want to avoid family occasions even though i love my family and hate not seeing them.

I have been really concentrating on self improvement at the moment and on most fronts I think i am getting my life on a good track. I just can't seem to find a way to avoid my Mothers drinking affecting me. I've tried confrontation, Ive tried the nice 'I think you should get help', ive seen therapists who have given me some ways to approach the matter and nothing works. I decided six months ago that I had to let it go and let her sort out her own problems because it was just too upsetting for me.

Does anyone else have any tools to be able to internally cope with this behaviour in a healthy way? As a last resort the only thing I can think to do once i start getting upset with how she is acting is to ignore her, walk away or hang the phone up. And every time i do this she gets really annoyed and then I am completely plagued with guilt and feel like I am in the wrong.

I feel so trapped in this situation and if i could wish for one thing in the world it would be for my Mum to get her life on a better track. I am tired of feeling like the responsible one in our relationship!

Rant over Does anyone have any other coping mechanisms which might help me?

[CANDC]

I decided six months ago that I had to let it go and let her sort out her own problems because it was just too upsetting for me.

I find just not trying to tell mom what to do makes life a lot easier for me. She does not want to work on herself or her problems and she definitely does not want help. So I do the housework or repairs she cannot do. I try to avoid confrontation. It is like walking through a minefield because she helped me when I was down and out. I listen more and tell her less. "I know what you mean" "Oh yeah, I understand" all go a long way to reassure her.

Does anyone else have any tools to be able to internally cope with this behaviour in a healthy way? As a last resort the only thing I can think to do once i start getting upset with how she is acting is to ignore her, walk away or hang the phone up. And every time i do this she gets really annoyed and then I am completely plagued with guilt and feel like I am in the wrong.

I sometimes find myself getting stressed and depressed. I start breathing naturally, counting the breaths silently, 1 for the inhale. 2 for the exhale, continuing up to 10 then start at 1 again.

I have heard people say good things about ACOA and other orgs that support children of alcoholics.

When you have 5 or more posts or replies to others posts, the moderated chats are a help to meet people and see how they are coping. The chat may say Anxiety (8PM EST G-4) but people there are also dealing with multiple problems. It is a friendly supportive environment. Same for Depression Chat thursday 9PM EST G-4 and other chats. See Calendar for more after you have 5 posts (in blue bar above)

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[autumn15]

Thanks!

I have been getting pretty good lately at not letting it get to me so much seeing as though its my Mums problem and not mine. I definitely need to keep reminding myself that as much as my Mum can't take control of her life, I can.

Sometimes, for instance when i wrote that post, I just forget how to let it go and all of a sudden I can feel the heaviness on my shoulders. I suppose it will take a little more self improvement and more practice before I can completely get control of my emotions!

Its really great to see that there are so many forums like this around where people can vent their feelings and get some perspectives from others in similar situations. This is exactly the kind of thing I needed growing up! Oh well, better late then never.

The Anxiety chat sounds really good! I will have to try and get to that one