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wanderlust12
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Default Aug 24, 2015 at 10:23 PM
  #1
Hi there all! Looking for any and all advice. For the past 2 years or so, I have been trying to support my alcoholic mother in her recovery, and her battle against depression. She had hit a clear rock bottom about 9 months ago- constantly mixing alcohol and any medication including my dogs tranquilizers, missing most of the big events of the last year, several "suicide" attempts ( I put them in quotes because they were more like temper tantrums than actual attempts to take her own life). I have tried to accommodate her in all sorts of ways- I found her a great therapist, I have attended AA with her, i even moved my wedding so she would be able to attend while in a good place having just come out of 2 months in a rehab facility. She is constantly in and out of rehab and clinics, and it always goes the same. She seems to do really well for a few weeks and then starts to nose dive and is unable to come back from it and lands in another clinic.

I am having a baby in 2 weeks and have been steadily trying to place healthy boundaries with her in terms of things I expect if she wants to be a part of the baby's life. Months ago I expressed that she she needed to improve, not be perfect, but improve her situation. And within the last few months,albeit some bumps, had Improved in generall. She seemed to be having better days than not. However, throughout all of this and something we have discussed many times, she hides and sneaks alcohol, becomes defensive when you point it out and outright makes random excuses to go buy it. Due to where I stand emotionally with her and my enabling and very pushy father, I wrote an email explaining that for the safety of the baby, she would essentially need my father to supervise visits with the baby and invited them to meet and discuss this with me at my therapist' meeting a few days later. ( the reasons being that we can't always figure out when she's been drinking and has panic attacks at the drop of a hat- I will have a newborn, I can't babysit her any more). Well this well intentioned email resulted in me being blamed for my moms most recent visit to the psych ward and suicide attempt. My father did attend this meeting and mostly scolded me for sending an email and saying that I was simply wrong and my therapist was wrong about everything. I expressed at this meeting that with a few weeks before a my new baby arriving that I needed a break from my mom and her insanity...to which my father "understood". Within the last week since expressing my need to focus on me and the baby, I have been told by my father that I needed to respond to my moms texts and calls quickly and positively so she doesn't think she has done wrong and then told that I was to attend a family meeting at her newest group.

Bottom line is this- I asked for a break and am still being bombarded by the insanity. I have a baby coming in 2 weeks that I have had no time to focus on because everything has been about my mother. I want to see her do well and want her in mine and my family's life but as a healthy influence, hence the boundaries. Do I go to this meeting, knowing it will end up like every other one that we have had in the last year? A few weeks of good and then a nose dive because she is never getting better for her? Or do I politely decline, stick to my guns and just express that I need time away from all this?

Help? I am trying so hard to focus on my new family ( which is just being worn down by this chaos) while still taking into consideration my historical family.
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Default Aug 25, 2015 at 02:27 AM
  #2
The thing with drug addicts and alcoholics is that You can do very little to help them. They might only improve, if they want to by themselves.
You did a lot for your mother, but now I think You should stop doing this for her and focus on your baby. Being stressed about your mother affects not only your health, but baby's as well.
You should now isolate her from your life and move towards happiness of your own family. If she understands, that You and your baby are more important for her than booze, she will improve, I guarantee it.
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Default Aug 25, 2015 at 08:27 AM
  #3
Put yourself and the baby 1st. You've done more than enough. Stick to your guns and, in time, I think she will either understand or still blame you. Let her go and focus on making good decisions for your family which it sounds like you already have. Cat
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Default Aug 25, 2015 at 12:03 PM
  #4
You've made your position clear. Do your best to prioritise what's important. I'm talking about breaking it down to groceries, gas in the car, fixing meals, etc. Then, if you have time and inclination go to the meeting but focus on your basics. Once the baby comes your life will be all about the basics anyway!

Do what you can and move on!!

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wanderlust12
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Default Aug 25, 2015 at 11:05 PM
  #5
Thank you all. My husband and I actually just had another 3 hour fight about how my mother and her issues are ruining our marriage and he can't take it anymore and feels like we won't make it. We've been married for a year.

I don't want to lose him, I just seem incapable of taking a stand for myself against my mother and father. I feel like I can't do anything right- not a good mother, wife or daughter. It sucks.
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Default Aug 30, 2015 at 04:46 PM
  #6
You are aware of the impact she has on you and your family. It's going to take time - I know I hate it - when people say that too. You are attached to your mother in an unhealthy way. You did not become that way over night. You are trying to do the right things. Hope your husband can try to understand!

PLUS - do not let guilt take over or make you weak....that is your backslide.... It gets easier - I promise!!!

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“A person is also mentally weak by the quantity of time he spends to sneak peek into others lives to devalue and degrade the quality of his own life.” Anuj Somany

“Psychotherapy works by going deep into the brain and its neurons and changing their structure by turning on the right genes. The talking cure works by "talking to neurons," and that an effective psychotherapist or psychoanalyst is a "microsurgeon of the mind" who helps patients make needed alterations in neuronal networks.” Norman Doidge
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Default Aug 30, 2015 at 07:08 PM
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You will make it! I am not married but my grown daughters told me the other day that their dad (I'm happily divorced) told them that my mother was always stirring up trouble. That's not why we divorced but it opened up my eyes. I don't have a thing to do with my mother and my daughters (both in college) think she's nuts. My kids and family come first and yes it's a process. Keep doing what you're doing...Cat
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Default Aug 30, 2015 at 07:55 PM
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I know it will be hard but like the others have said, you need to stick to your guns. Your soon to be bigger family need space and a healthy environment to grow and quite frankly, your mother is not going to help that in any way. I am sorry you can't have her be a part of your life right now. I know it's tough after all the time, energy and love you gave her, but you need to think of your husband and new baby right now and not her.

I know you can find the strength to keep to your guns. A mother's love and will is a strong thing indeed.

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Default Sep 01, 2015 at 01:51 PM
  #9
You have to become.....the mother you never had.....I did that. Focus on your family; your mom isn't your job, although t feels like it; Get into therapy also; that can help a great deal!

There is an excellent book called, Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud

Your family is using emotional blackmail on you. Do not let them do that;; it is neverending; a bottomless pit.
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Default Sep 04, 2015 at 11:03 AM
  #10
I send you a hug, some scented oil for your bath, and some cookies. This is the most wonderful time in your life, you get to meet your baby soon. A real person, with his own distinct personality is going to be blinking up at you soon. You sound really articulate and together, I think you are going to be fine. I remember, there was never a time I needed my Mom more than when I was having my four children. You go back to who you are at your basic being when you have a baby, and I wanted lots of love. My husband had all the emotions I did, and no way to express them. I don't think my alcoholic Mom was ever more of a drama queen, or my Dad more of an enabler than when I had kids. Everyone became a squalling kid and I was the one who wanted to be held. Do what you can, laugh if you can, and then take a time out. No matter what it is going to be wonderful.
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