[acat1989]

Four days ago I reached a breaking point. My father offered to help me to fix the drain in my kitchen sink. I thought he had been doing better, so I thought I should allow him the opportunity to come over and help. I have distanced myself so much from him that I have allowed our relationship to be one that only exists when there is a need (either on my part or his). He showed up at my door with a beer in his hand and I immediately wanted to tell him to go home. I have a lot of issues with feeling extreme empathy for people and am therefore unable to turn them away, say no, or tell them how I feel. "You have been drinking- go home" was not an appropriate response, but when he is drinking I feel more like the parent. It is hard to find the adult child/ parent relationship here because I have always felt more like the parent. He goes out, gets drunk, and I have to pick up up from the event he attends and take him home. When I married the love of my life and moved out that all stopped...but he continued to think I was "daddy's little girl" and that he was "dad of the year". I look right at him and tell him he drinks too much and it never phases him. One time, as a young teenager, I looked him right in the face and called him a drunk after he started screaming at me over nothing. I was the one who got in trouble that night-- not him. My mother has always enabled..always defended. I understand what it is to stand behind your husband. To love and support the man you vowed to spend your life with, but at some point you need to understand that you cannot penalize your child for the actions of a man who obviously can't even see his own wrong doing.
Yesterday, I told my mother that my father needs help. Real help. Despite the issues there were growing up- the locking myself in the bathroom or my bedroom to get away, him standing at the door or blocking my escape and screaming at me, her screaming at me because he is and instead of trying to understand the situation and what is going on, he is right and she doesn't care to know if that is the correct choice or not, all of it---too much-- I have decided to continue trying to make a relationship with the both of them work. It doesn't though, it never does. It just falls apart time after time because it is the same vicious cycle. But nobody has actually sat down and offered help to him- real genuine help. My mother's definition of help has always been to yell and scream and try to get her point across and when that doesn't work then she just throws her hands up in defeat.
I feel damaged, worn down, defeated. I don't know where to go from here because when I stand up and try to get them to work through this...try to get him to get better and get her to understand... they just attack me. I am an adult and I get talked to like I am 5 and have no opinion about it at all. I have a lot of anxiety and until recently never really contributed it to what I dealt with growing up, but I am starting to connect interacting with him to episodes of increased anxiety. Cutting them out of my life seems like it is not an option because they seem determined, whether I like it or not, to be a part of my life. They also seem determined to continue controlling me. He wants to be all sappy and take trips down memory lane- that is not a fun trip for me. I have to hold back my eye rolls as he tells me he would do anything for me. This is such a ridiculous statement to me as he knows there is one thing I want from him but continues to pretend the problem doesn't exist.
This post is all over the place and probably makes no sense-- but that is where my mind is right now. I am currently not talking to my mother because she is insisting on playing games right now as according to her I "said that his addiction is all her fault" because somehow saying "he needs help" means it is her fault. And it makes me sick to even talk to my father anymore. I don't know what to even do. It seems that life would have a wonderful simplicity to it if they were not involved in my life, but that is easier said that done- and would that simplicity come with an unexpected loneliness? But I am expected to hold my feelings in and that is not healthy either. So, it seems, any path I choose here has its share of negatives.
Might I mention my father has been an alcoholic my entire life, his parents were alcoholics, and I view my mother as dependent on his condition.

[Skeezyks]

Hello acat1989: I'm so sorry you are having this difficulty. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. (By the way, just for the record... I'm 67.) My perspective is that your parents are old enough to make their own decisions & to bear the consequences of those decisions. (I know I am.) You are not responsible for them. You are responsible for yourself, for your relationship with your husband, & for your children if you have them. Yes, you are correct. There are going to be negatives no matter what you do. Unfortunately, much in life is like that. But, as you wrote in your post, this is the way your parents have operated since you were a child. There is no reason to expect that they will change now. If they do... great! But, in the meantime, please do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

[DechanDawa]

Have you ever attended any groups for adult children of alcoholics? It sounds like you are frustrated because you have run out of coping tools, and need some more. My heart goes out to you. I have alcoholics in my family. Without seeming rude I have to say that alcoholics are the most selfish screwed up personalities, and they will hurt their nearest and dearest. I used to be kind to drunks but no more. It is perfectly sane for you to tell your father not to enter your house when he comes over with a beer in his hand. Just because he is trying to made an insane situation sane doesn't mean you have to also. You are realizing all this. Your post was long but clear. You need support. If your parents stay in your life you are going to need to set firm boundaries and realize they are not healthy. Sad. But save yourself. You will be okay. Gets lots of help and support. Read. Attend groups. Be proactive. You'll be fine. Nurture your marriage. Invest emotionally in your life and your marriage, and detach with love from your parents. Best of luck. You will be okay. You sound very smart.

[DechanDawa]

Have you ever attended any groups for adult children of alcoholics? It sounds like you are frustrated because you have run out of coping tools, and need some more. My heart goes out to you. I have alcoholics in my family. Without seeming rude I have to say that alcoholics are the most selfish screwed up personalities, and they will hurt their nearest and dearest. I used to be kind to drunks but no more. It is perfectly sane for you to tell your father not to enter your house when he comes over intoxicated and with a beer in his hand. Just because he is trying to made an insane situation sane doesn't mean you have to also. You are an adult now. You are realizing all this. Your post was long but clear. You need support. If your parents stay in your life you are going to need to set firm boundaries and realize they are not healthy. Sad. But save yourself. You will be okay. Gets lots of help and support. Read. Attend groups. Be proactive. You'll be fine. Nurture your marriage. Invest emotionally in your life and your marriage, and detach with love from your parents. Best of luck. You will be okay. You sound very smart.

[TerriLynn]

Hey there. You sound just fed up! I don't blame you. The first thing you need to understand is that you cant get them to do anything. You are going to have to start setting some healthy boundaries for yourself and you can maybe have your husband help you with those. He can be your backup.

Secondly, it would be extremely helpful for you to attend ACOA meetings, Adult Children of Alcoholics. They will do wonders to help you understand what is healthy, what you are responsible for and what you are not.

There are also some books that will help if you want to get started, Codependent No More is an excellent start! Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics is another good one.

Good luck and I am so sorry you are struggling.

[brainhi]

I totally understand your post. Many of us have been in your shoes. My heart continues to break for those that have to go through these crappy childhoods... in this day and age, there is much more help for people with addictions and yet they are so sick they cannot manage to try and get better.. and not only f up their life but the life of everyone around them.

Please know you are not alone in your struggle. The good thing is that we do have many more options to make our own life better. There is not a darn thing you can do to save your mother or your father. Many of us have tried.. with constant heartbreak.

Do not let them ruin your life! If they were "well" or wanted to get "well" maybe relationships would mend.

I would say it has taken a couple decades for me to get better and better. I'm not without the messed up thinking entirely but life is much better. Really notice the good things on the journey of your life. Work on managing them in your brain and your heart.

We are glad you are here. It gets better - I promise - but it does take work and time - you and your family are worth it. Your life does not need to look like anyone else's... it only needs to be good for you and the ones you love.

[Curry]

I have to go home soon to say goodbye to my Dad who is dying of cancer. My Mom is an alcoholic and mean as a snake to me, she is my Dad's princess. I was wondering how to control the situation so my visit wouldn't be like sticking my head in a blender. Then I thought, I will go there and stay with them. I will see what part they allow me to have in helping my Dad die comfortably and helping my Mom settle in a home with love. Once I let go of trying to control what ever crazy behavior they might come up with, I could handle the visit. I am going to let myself do what I need to do - cry, leave, or maybe share some love. Trust yourself, acat1989, you know what is wrong. If you can point out their behavior by still treating them with dignity then go ahead. Remember your feelings are just as important as theirs.

[Thrubeingcool13]

I know what your going thru I've been dealing with parent issues for years and have recently discovered a key to unlocking the door. Tell me, how old are your parents?

[avlady]

i do hope you take the advice here from others. my parents drank but not alot. i suggest you go to meetings and such and if you can see a therapist. good luck

[Thrubeingcool13]

Our generations dictate allot more then we want to realize about ourselves in dealing with others. Understanding the generation our parents spawned from and then wrapping our head around the real differences between ours and theirs generation is the first step...WHY?? because we have to learn how to communicate and realizing that some people weren't taught the skills we seek for our own lives.

[Frk68]

What you are dealing with is not uncommon in the the world of alcoholism.You are not alone.Understanding the disease of alcoholism and the unmanageability it creates helps.Detachment with love helps me cope with my father.Al anon is a great group to gain tools to cope as well as knowledge to understand what you are dealing with.And your mother putting him before you is quite confusing,I have dealt with it myself.Get on the train of recovery.Good chance things will make much more sense to you once you do so.
Take care and God Bless

[reality bites]

Originally Posted by acat1989

four days ago i reached a breaking point. My father offered to help me to fix the drain in my kitchen sink. I thought he had been doing better, so i thought i should allow him the opportunity to come over and help. I have distanced myself so much from him that i have allowed our relationship to be one that only exists when there is a need (either on my part or his). He showed up at my door with a beer in his hand and i immediately wanted to tell him to go home. I have a lot of issues with feeling extreme empathy for people and am therefore unable to turn them away, say no, or tell them how i feel. "you have been drinking- go home" was not an appropriate response, but when he is drinking i feel more like the parent. It is hard to find the adult child/ parent relationship here because i have always felt more like the parent. He goes out, gets drunk, and i have to pick up up from the event he attends and take him home. When i married the love of my life and moved out that all stopped...but he continued to think i was "daddy's little girl" and that he was "dad of the year". I look right at him and tell him he drinks too much and it never phases him. One time, as a young teenager, i looked him right in the face and called him a drunk after he started screaming at me over nothing. I was the one who got in trouble that night-- not him. My mother has always enabled..always defended. I understand what it is to stand behind your husband. To love and support the man you vowed to spend your life with, but at some point you need to understand that you cannot penalize your child for the actions of a man who obviously can't even see his own wrong doing.
Yesterday, i told my mother that my father needs help. Real help. Despite the issues there were growing up- the locking myself in the bathroom or my bedroom to get away, him standing at the door or blocking my escape and screaming at me, her screaming at me because he is and instead of trying to understand the situation and what is going on, he is right and she doesn't care to know if that is the correct choice or not, all of it---too much-- i have decided to continue trying to make a relationship with the both of them work. It doesn't though, it never does. It just falls apart time after time because it is the same vicious cycle. But nobody has actually sat down and offered help to him- real genuine help. My mother's definition of help has always been to yell and scream and try to get her point across and when that doesn't work then she just throws her hands up in defeat.
I feel damaged, worn down, defeated. I don't know where to go from here because when i stand up and try to get them to work through this...try to get him to get better and get her to understand... They just attack me. I am an adult and i get talked to like i am 5 and have no opinion about it at all. I have a lot of anxiety and until recently never really contributed it to what i dealt with growing up, but i am starting to connect interacting with him to episodes of increased anxiety. Cutting them out of my life seems like it is not an option because they seem determined, whether i like it or not, to be a part of my life. They also seem determined to continue controlling me. He wants to be all sappy and take trips down memory lane- that is not a fun trip for me. I have to hold back my eye rolls as he tells me he would do anything for me. This is such a ridiculous statement to me as he knows there is one thing i want from him but continues to pretend the problem doesn't exist.
This post is all over the place and probably makes no sense-- but that is where my mind is right now. I am currently not talking to my mother because she is insisting on playing games right now as according to her i "said that his addiction is all her fault" because somehow saying "he needs help" means it is her fault. And it makes me sick to even talk to my father anymore. I don't know what to even do. It seems that life would have a wonderful simplicity to it if they were not involved in my life, but that is easier said that done- and would that simplicity come with an unexpected loneliness? But i am expected to hold my feelings in and that is not healthy either. So, it seems, any path i choose here has its share of negatives.
Might i mention my father has been an alcoholic my entire life, his parents were alcoholics, and i view my mother as dependent on his condition.

i understand you would like for things to improve in you and your fathers relationship but if he cant control his drinking or chooses no to then thats all on him. Youve put forth the effort in making things better and opening yourself back up to him even though you might have felt uncomfortable doing it. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make a horse drink it. That sounds like whats happening between you and your father. You cant be to trusting even though thats your blood. My advice to you is quit picking up the pieces that everybody leaves behind. You cant always save everyone all though its good to help, dont make yourself outto be a push over and you dont want to be taken advantaged of.

[Teddy15]

As the adult child of an alcoholic mother I can identify with what you're feeling. What I can say for myself and my experience is that you have to take your power back and protect yourself. Those with addictions like our parents are not only not dependable but often manipulative. And because a child's love for a parent is so indebted we can be taken in by it in hopes that one day they will get better. That they will finally be who we've always needed them to be.

But as adults ourselves we cannot let this have such a huge effect on our lives and emotional stability. It is much harder to do than to say, but we've suffered enough and we deserve happiness too. True happiness, not waiting for what may quite often never happen.

Give yourself the love you may never have received and protect yourself the way you always should have been. Then you can still love your parent but not have your happiness dependent on their getting better.

[StarLife]

Originally Posted by acat1989

Four days ago I reached a breaking point. My father offered to help me to fix the drain in my kitchen sink. I thought he had been doing better, so I thought I should allow him the opportunity to come over and help. I have distanced myself so much from him that I have allowed our relationship to be one that only exists when there is a need (either on my part or his). He showed up at my door with a beer in his hand and I immediately wanted to tell him to go home. I have a lot of issues with feeling extreme empathy for people and am therefore unable to turn them away, say no, or tell them how I feel. "You have been drinking- go home" was not an appropriate response, but when he is drinking I feel more like the parent. It is hard to find the adult child/ parent relationship here because I have always felt more like the parent. He goes out, gets drunk, and I have to pick up up from the event he attends and take him home. When I married the love of my life and moved out that all stopped...but he continued to think I was "daddy's little girl" and that he was "dad of the year". I look right at him and tell him he drinks too much and it never phases him. One time, as a young teenager, I looked him right in the face and called him a drunk after he started screaming at me over nothing. I was the one who got in trouble that night-- not him. My mother has always enabled..always defended. I understand what it is to stand behind your husband. To love and support the man you vowed to spend your life with, but at some point you need to understand that you cannot penalize your child for the actions of a man who obviously can't even see his own wrong doing.
Yesterday, I told my mother that my father needs help. Real help. Despite the issues there were growing up- the locking myself in the bathroom or my bedroom to get away, him standing at the door or blocking my escape and screaming at me, her screaming at me because he is and instead of trying to understand the situation and what is going on, he is right and she doesn't care to know if that is the correct choice or not, all of it---too much-- I have decided to continue trying to make a relationship with the both of them work. It doesn't though, it never does. It just falls apart time after time because it is the same vicious cycle. But nobody has actually sat down and offered help to him- real genuine help. My mother's definition of help has always been to yell and scream and try to get her point across and when that doesn't work then she just throws her hands up in defeat.
I feel damaged, worn down, defeated. I don't know where to go from here

Several points you've mentioned here sound like they could've been taken out of my father's playbook. Particularly when he was blocking the doorway preventing your escape, and him saying he would do anything for you. Also the daddy's little girl/dad of the year and the taking trips down memory lane (good memories? What good memories? )

My father has been an alcoholic since my earliest memories at 6 yrs old. Every day was like a game of Roulette – will he or won't he get drunk. Very often, my mother and my sister and I had to spend the night in a hotel. Sometimes we’d have to leave immediately after walking in the door because he was so drunk that we knew it was going to be “another one of those nights.”

My father was also physically abusive. I got slapped a lot, and throttled. My mom and my younger sister would get worse. We were frequently made to stay up until 3 and 4 am listening to him sing. He had been a semi-successful singer in his younger days and never got over the idea that he would still become a huge star. I would arrive at school in the morning and be unable to stay awake. One thing that he used to do a lot was block my way and shove me if I tried to walk past him.

The most ridiculous thing about him was how selfless, giving and loving he thought he was. He always talked about how he loved me more than anything in the world, that he would do anything for me, etc. To this day, I'm 36 years old and I have never met anyone as selfish, egotistical, and narcissistic as my father. He has made a huge hole in my psychological well-being and the fact of the matter is, I really, really hate him.

In all honesty I can't wait for him to die. My sister and I have longed for his death for years. We have even spiked his drinks with medication to make him fall asleep. My worst fear is my mother dying before him. She knows that if she were ever to die before him I would dump him in a home and leave him there to die.

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful mother who buffered me from him and tried her best to keep us from being miserable. But it wasn't nearly enough. My mom and dad separated for 3 months when I was 9. I begged her not to take him back. I was the only kid I knew who desperately wanted my parents to get divorced.

The advice I'm about to give you comes from someone who absolutely hates and despises the alcoholic in her life. If you do not feel this way about your father this might not be useful for you. But, I had to say something because I related to your experiences with your father on such a deep level. It almost makes me curious to know if these are common themes in alcoholic families.

The saddest thing about my mother is that she is the definition of codependent. I know that a large part of why she has stayed with him all these years (they are 70) is guilt and pity. My father would literally be dead if she had left him years ago. He hasn't worked since I was a kid and either homelessness or disease would have killed him. I wonder if some of that codependency we learned from the enabling parent trickles down to us. People who grow up in such dysfunctional households are often made to feel like they owe something to their parents for raising them. I'm also wondering why you, in your situation, feel guilty enough to continue having a relationship with your parents since it seems like they have been nothing but a toxic burden to you. You say it hasn’t worked. You say that you can't cut them out of your life since they are determined to stay in it.

In my relatively short time in this forum, I've seen a lot of touchy-feely posts about forgiveness and trying to mend broken relationships. Much of the time I feel compelled to call bul*s**t because I feel that the poster who is asking for help would be much better served by dumping the problem person on the side of the road and never looking back.

I hold out absolutely no hope for addicts. Of course I don't go into addiction forums and tell those people how awful they are. But the fact that there are alcoholics / addicts who post in this and other forums isn't going to hold me back from speaking the truth about how I really feel about addiction and how addiction has affected me. I'm sure there are some people in this world who started out wonderful, had problems with addiction, got help, and went back to being wonderful. I’ve just never met any of them. I am of the opinion that an addict’s personality is permanently altered by their addiction.

I believe you should absolutely and in no uncertain terms cut these people out of your life. They've caused you enough suffering. You don't owe them anything. They are not good parents, they didn't hold up their end of the bargain when they brought you into this world. Do you want them following you all throughout your life trying to force you to respect them and listen to their screaming s**t? As far as I can tell, they aren't worth anything to you. What good are they to you? To your future family? If the sum total of their contribution to your life is more pain, frustration, and anger, why the hell should you give a **** about what happens to them?

I don't believe in sticking it out with people with addiction problems. I have never dated a man with an addiction and I never would. I've never had friends with addiction problems and I never would. I can only imagine how much harder it is when the one with the problem is someone you already love. But YOUR first step is recognizing the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change that person. Then you have to make a choice between living your own life with your own problems and triumphs, or letting their problems suck you dry.

My sister has been telling me for years that she is over our childhood and our dad. Yet she hardly spends any time with me or my mom and has gone years on and off without seeing or speaking to my father. She gives my mother a lot of money every month because they are poor. I think that's what she does to cope with the guilt. She's been raising a step daughter for 12 yrs whose mother was a heroin addict. Her boyfriend and her chose to keep the addict in the child's life. Three years ago the 36 yr old mother died of an overdose. Among the many ways the child was affected, she pretended to close friends and strangers that her mother was still alive. In the words of her father, “My daughter is so ****ed up.”

From what I understand, never having felt love for an addict, when people who love an addict completely cut that person out of their lives, they are actually doing the best thing they can do to help that person. It is the only thing that they can do that amounts to using force to get the person to change. At that point the addict ultimately has to choose between his drink / drug of choice, and the people who care about him.

So if you are like me and hate your father, your best option is to cut him out of your life forever. On the other hand, if you still love him, you should still cut him out of your life, and tell him that he is not welcome back in it until he gets sober and stays that way. Either way, you need to put yourself first. Find a way to get rid of the guilt. You don't deserve to feel guilty. You are the victim of the selfishness and insanity of these two people. But you can instead choose to be a survivor and let yourself be victimized no longer. You have a wonderful husband and a lovely life ahead of you as soon as you put them behind you.


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[Curry]

I discovered when I let go of my anger the bridge between me and my alcoholic mom disappears. Me loving my parents is a natural feeling, I choose to love them regardless of their behavior. When they behave in a way that hurts my life, I acknowledge the unhealthy behavior, and choose what reaction is best for my life.