[CityToCountry]

Hi everyone. I am new to the board so thank you to anyone that can offer some much needed perspective. I am fortunate that I never had to live through watching an addicted parent as a child. My Mother, however, has always struggled with depression and other mental illnesses my entire life. She is 55 now (I am 37) and for the past six years I knew something was very wrong with her. I felt that it was a prescription drug addiction and when I voiced my concerns to her and my Dad, it was met with anger, guilt trips, and deflection. A year ago my Dad admitted to me that my Mom has a severe drinking problem. I was pretty shocked as I'd rarely ever seen her drink. She was hiding it from everyone, including my Dad, for a very long time. Since my Dad decided to be open with my brother and I about this, my Mom slipped much deeper into her addiction. She totaled her car 3 times in one year, set their kitchen on fire when my Dad was at work one night, cannot control her bodily functions, has shown up to my child's practices intoxicated, etc. Back in August, we met with a professional interventionist and asked my Mom to go to treatment. She was angry with us, but she chose to go and completed 30 days at one of the best facilities in the country. After 30 days, she came home and wrecked her car 4 days later and got slapped with a DUI. She went back into treatment at the same facility for another 30 days. She's been back now for 8 days and she's already getting drunk again.

Trying to make a long story short. I had a lot of compassion for my Mom when she came out and admitted to us that she has this disease. I recognize that addiction is a disease she cannot control. I was married to an alcoholic and worked the 12 steps through Al-Anon after our divorce years ago. I realized during that time that even though my Mom hadn't come out and admitted to being an alcoholic, that she exhibited patterns of an addict all of my life. Her Mother has never admitted to being an alcoholic but she is and my Mom had a very, very hard childhood growing up with her. I know the horrible things my Mom experienced as a child, and for that reason, I've had a lot of empathy for her in this situation. However, I am feeling very much at the end of my rope at this point. She has bled my Dad dry financially. He is a very young at heart man and he would do anything for her. He honors their marriage vows more than most people these days. They have been married for 38 years and together for 41. I am worried about what this is doing to him and he is at a point where he doesn't know how much more he can take. My brother and I have had to limit our childrens' interactions with their grandmother, she hasn't been allowed to take care of my daughter in 5 years, and has never been able to care for my niece. Instead of owning up to the fact that there is an issue, she blames us. She makes us feel guilty for not allowing her to care for our kids. She makes my Dad feel guilty for going to work every day and doing anything he enjoys instead of staying home with her and being miserable. Now that she's gone through 60 days of inpatient treatment (she is in outpatient now as well), she tells my brother and I how we (him, myself, and my Dad) need to do this, that and the other to make her better and support her. Yet, she's still getting drunk nearly every day and thinks we don't know it. I do not believe my Mom wants to get better for herself. I believe she probably wants to appease all of us and get better for us, but if she won't ever do it for herself I know it probably won't get better.

To add to this issue, my Mom was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 10 years ago and even though she's never admitted it I know in my heart that she has been suicidal. I believe the night she got the DUI that she was attempting to hurt herself. The police officer told my Dad she said that and my Mom vehemently denied it. I've point blank asked her if she's ever wanted to hurt herself and she says no. I've encouraged my brother and Dad to ask her the same. She says no, but I just don't believe her. At this point, I really want to cut ties with my Mom. I am angry with her for simply going through the motions and trying to do everything her own way. I get it's an illness. But, there is absolutely NO accountability on her part and there has to be at some point. I knew once she came back from treatment the second time that if she slipped back into her patterns that I would have to make a huge boundary and I'm not sure how far I should take that. One part of my wants to cut her completely out of my life and my daughter's. But I know this would hurt my Dad and I am afraid it would push her over the edge. I could never live with myself if I made that move and she hurt herself. On the other hand, her drinking has caused me grief and anxiety I've never experienced in my life. I've been attending Al-Anon again for the past two months and I'm just having trouble getting clarity about how strong of a boundary I should set in this situation. Is it wrong if I tell her I don't want her in my life? or do I just continue to limit my time with her while she's still sick as I've been doing for the past 5 years?

Anyone with any advice...I appreciate it. Sorry for the long post. Just at my wit's end.

[Skeezyks]

Hello CitytoCountry: Welcome to PsychCentral! PC is a great place to gain support as well as to obtain mental health related information. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more you'll gain from the time you spend here.

I see that you posted this Thread in the Adult Children of Alcoholics Forum. I feel certain there are going to be other members who frequent this forum who will be in a better position than I to address your concerns. However, from my perspective, I believe that ultimately each of us must be responsible for ourselves. And, if we won't , or can't, then those around us must do what they have to do in order to protect themselves. So my thinking with regard to the situation you describe is that the time has come for you to protect yourself, & your daughter. And, in keeping with this, I would say that your dad must do the same. If he's in his 50's or 60's, as it sounds like he is, he's capable of taking care of himself. It's not your responsibility to protect him. So if he chooses to continue to be a victim, although it is with the best of intentions, you cannot save him either. And it's not your job to. You need to maintain your own emotional stability so that you do not inadvertently pass this craziness on to your daughter. Unfortunately, by saying that you could never live with yourself if your mother hurt herself, you have already established a boundary. However it is a negative boundary... one that ties you, & your daughter, to your mother's ongoing self-destructive behavior.

I'm sure this all sounds harsh in the extreme to you. And it probably is. But it is my perspective with regard to this type of situation. From what you wrote, your mother's mother had serious mental health issues & your mother has them. From my perspective, it is time to do what is necessary to draw the curtain on this inheritance. I wish you well with this most difficult situation.

[TerriLynn]

It is never wrong to not have contact with someone who is toxic. And yes, that is what she has become. It is not good or safe for your daughter, you don't want her seeing a falling down drunk grandmother.

If you think you could make the boundary where if she plans to see you, she cannot have been drinking that day. If she wants to spend time with your daughter, she cannot have been drinking that day. You will not talk to her on the phone if she has been drinking. How about some boundaries like that? See if she can handle that.

If she cant, then maybe you don't see her for a while. Just because she has a disease, doesn't mean you have to have it too.

[brainhi]

It sounds like you are getting some professional help/support for yourself. It's incredibly awful to watch a parent self destruct... and yet I know you feel for her for what she went through as a child....

It was way to painful to hold on to my relationship with my father. If he ever chose to try and get well and reach out to me... I would have been there -cautiously...but we all know more times than not there is relapse. I heard a saying... the more they relapse the closer they get to finally getting better??? It takes a life time to become who we are... 30 days in rehab now and then can be helpful but it takes a lot more than that.

Throw some bipolar in there -wow. If she is not getting help for bipolar and is self medicating with booze she is in trouble.

Keep educating and getting support for yourself - and your family. Professionals can help you through this.

I sound like a broken record with this statement... but we cannot let our family's illness (addictions) hold us hostage in our own brain and ruin our own life. If your mom was thinking rational she would not want you to ruin your life either.

All this takes time... it appears you are on the search to have things better. Take care.

[Curry]

I had a lifetime trying to control my alcoholic mom so that she wouldn't hurt me or my family. Right now my Dad is dying from cancer and she won't even come to the phone to let me know the details. I am going to visit them in the summer. I don't know what condition she will be in with mixing tranquillizers and alcohol, or how mean she is going to be. I would like to help or to just visit, but I am prepared to walk away if I can't handle her. I have started talking to family around them asking for help. I phone regularly. I used to think I had to be able to handle what ever my Mom dished out, in order to belong to our family. Now, I am allowing myself to be just a woman who loves them all, and the really crazy stuff belongs between them and God. It is really nice letting myself cry, kiss my kids, and work on becoming a person I like - these are boundaries that are achievable and surprisingly strong against unstable people.

[AncientMelody]

I don't have advice, but please let me say I read your story and felt my heart ache for you. My story is different, but I see parts of my family in there. And mostly what I see, is what I struggle with. The black and whites. Addiction and mental illness in our loved ones breed a black and white world where you vacillate from love to resentment. From giving too much of yourself and then realize you have to look and find out who you really are.

I'm not at the end of the rope place that you are...but I was and I think that's when my different stresses and worries and aches and pains all coalesced into a full blown anxiety disorder. Then I had no choice but to start taking care of myself.

As I'm thinking I guess I DO have advice. I know you have Al-anon, but if you feel perhaps it's not enough, or not what you need, consider seeing a therapist. Mine really has helped me start to learn emotional boundaries to protect my mental health.

Let yourself not see her if that's what you need. You can love her without her being in your life. Sometimes people need to walk out before people start taking care of themselves. All the best to you

[avlady]

i agree with all posts here. you should take their advice, you need to take care of yourself first.