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RoxanneToto
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 12:46 PM
  #1
This is kind of the feeling I’ve had for a few years, that my concerns/feeling of safety etc didn’t matter, and I got told I should just accept or learn to ignore things my (adoptive) dad did that made me uncomfortable.
Possible trigger:

I’ve told mum a lot of this stuff and just got a “meh” response, which I’m not sure what to do with. On the one hand I wonder how much stuff like this she’s experienced/endured; on the other, I feel resentful that my feelings/fears over my general sense of safety at home have been dismissed. I even feel guilty at times for not having much of a relationship with dad (which I find weird, but since I was a preteen I distanced myself from him as much as I could).
Hopefully this is the right forum for this, I guess, release of some thoughts/feelings I don’t think I’ve managed to process properly yet. Let’s call it a brain dump
He is an alcoholic, and I’ve blamed the alcohol for most of his actions over the years (maybe wrongly, but who knows?) and I’ve realised my mum is an enabler, to an extent. I’m having some trouble handling the feelings that have arisen from realising some of my best interests in childhood were basically ignored, for whatever reason. I’m angry and upset, and feel a bit betrayed. But still feel guilt for feeling like that! Argh!
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 02:19 PM
  #2
Dear RoxanneToto,

I think your thoughts and feelings about what you endured are completely understandable. If I was in your place I think I would feel exactly the same way. Wish I knew what to say that would be helpful.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 02:34 PM
  #3
What resonates with me about what you said:
Possible trigger:
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Default Apr 14, 2021 at 02:55 PM
  #4
Thanks, both of you. And I agree with what you said, unaluna (until I had certain conversations with my T, I also had that feeling of “limbo” about some things dad had done. Having it clarified was good, it meant I wasn’t imagining things) - it felt wrong to me then, but mum sort of jumped in and tried to convince me to take it as a compliment. I didn’t, but I stopped trying to correct him too because I could see I wasn’t getting anywhere. I’m not sure she understands the true nature of the stuff my dad has said to me that I’ve passed on, or whether she’s resigned herself to being helpless because she couldn’t change him (she’s talked about leaving and threatened divorce several times, over his addiction, but never took any meaningful action. I know it’s not easy for her either, so I’m not blaming her for what’s happened, I just hated the attitude that I was wrong for speaking up for myself. I was a child, not much more emotionally mature when I was in college - and ultimately, shouldn’t have needed to defend myself from a parent).
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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 02:41 AM
  #5
Conflicted. I ended up sending a long email to T (some condensed gripes about childhood, including things I wrote further up. No lies or exaggerations and I did leave some stuff out, but made no attempt to balance it out with good stuff either! Of course it’s never been 100% awful at home, and some things I probably could have taken more responsibility for when I was older, but for whatever reason, didn’t). She said from what I’d written, I was entitled to feel really angry and no wonder I was having the problems I am.
I don’t want to see my mum as a bad person; I know she’s not, and that I was slipping into all or nothing type thinking while writing the email (I did let it sit several hours before sending, felt better later, but T emailed me about rearranging my appointment due to something more urgent that was coming up for her - she could only fit me in for 45 minutes or I could go the week after instead. I said it was fine, and mentioned the email I’d been debating sending. I sent it anyway, because I thought it warranted further discussion, which we will next session. It is stuff I’ve carried around for a long time that hasn’t been addressed properly).
Part of me just feels like I’m being ungrateful and like I’m focusing too much on myself/my own feelings. I’m finding it hard to “give” true love to my mum, even right now while my dad’s in hospital after another fall. There’s talk of him potentially going into a home (it was a bad fall, but we’ve felt for years that something like this would happen eventually). It would be a relief for all of us, I know mum would feel torn though. Is it bad that I don’t feel much for dad? Mum wrote a get well soon card yesterday for brother to take and got me to sign it, too. She thought I was going to write “love from RT”, but I just squeezed my name in between hers and the dog’s!
How to refill my empathy meter?

Last edited by RoxanneToto; Apr 18, 2021 at 03:27 AM..
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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 07:46 AM
  #6
Funny you should say that, about your empathy meter. I call it my love bucket. You can only take out of it what was put into it, hopefully with interest, but whatever. Only weird stuff was put in mine, leaving me feeling very fake in these situations. Fake and alone.
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Default Apr 18, 2021 at 09:23 AM
  #7
I’m sorry to read that, unaluna, it really does make things harder than they should be.
I think I’m just really burned out with family stuff right now, at the same time that a lot of my repressed anger is coming to the surface. It helps to write it out, and I don’t really have many other outlets.
I’ll be relieved if my dad does go into a home of some kind, but at the same time, the worst damage is already done. It would mean less drama for us all, at least. Even with him being in hospital, I feel more relaxed.
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Default Jul 12, 2021 at 09:54 PM
  #8
Quote:
Is it bad that I don’t feel much for dad?
No!

My mother abused alcohol through my entire childhood. There were lots of explosive arguments between my parents, lots of me being dragged to drinking locations with her, lots of feeling unsafe in the car with her, with everything revolving around her in the household.

I never felt much for her, and still don't. What I did feel was revulsion if she tried to give me a hug. When she died, I didn't grieve. What I do grieve, at times, is never having had an actual, loving mother.
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