The basis of ACOA seems to be that we are irreparably damaged

I attended an ACOA group for over a year. It was therapeutic, at first. Then, I started to notice that nobody progressed.
The joy of finding people like me was replaced with exasperation at hearing the same stories from the same people.

I can see how that can happen if the group is getting together to ruminate and there is no real effort towards healing from the damage it caused.

I wonder if it was maybe the group that you were in? I've really enjoyed the ACOA fellowship I've experienced. While I have seen people continue to struggle with the same issues for years, I do see that many make progress. I think it's important to remember that we can only control our own progress, and many people will never be able to change their behavior. They will go to the group and get support, but actively making the changes in their own lives is very challenging.

I've run into this with support groups. In my experience, they're good for clarifying the problem, but it's up to you to come up with the solution.

Those who have figured it out won't be there, because they'll have moved on from the group. If you're lucky, you'll meet one or two who are on the verge of a breakthrough. Observe them closely while you have the chance. Take note of those who leave just when they seem to be doing really well.

If you're really lucky, they'll say goodbye and share what they've discovered. But there are things you can't understand or appreciate until you figure them out for yourself.

If you leave at the right time, you won't regret having attended. I look back on it as a necessary phase.

(I've observed a similar pattern in organized religion.)

If a person is struggling at sea, the group might be keeping them afloat until they can start to progress towards land.

As Trust Issues Too wrote, support groups can lead people to open up and give words to the situations they found themselves in. And it's always a good thing to realize we're not alone in our circumstances.

But I think it often helps to have qualified people facilitating the discussions in the group. That way, when the same things keep coming up, the conversation can be gently re-directed to more helpful, pro-active thinking and behaviour.

An experienced, and hopefully TRAINED facilitator is key to the therapy process of a group. Progress might not happen at all if the same conversations happen over and over.

I completely agree with everything you said here, MuseumGhost!

I also believe that 12-step groups for addiction serve a different purpose and benefit for addiction problems, but not so much for victims of people with addiction problems (hence, victims of a substance-abusing parent who was emotionally abusive, emotionally neglectful and/or physically abusive, etc.). Those who have survived from child maltreatment deserve different types of groups for different types of healing. Staying within the walls of the addiction mindset can be a trigger itself; meaning, for someone like me, 12-step groups trigger me because my father had an addition to alcohol and I associate such groups with people like my father, so even a "support" ACOA meeting will be too triggering to benefit me. I would assume that other ACOA survivors opt not to attend such meetings and instead attend other supportive networks, which includes ACOA but is not limited to just that; because, in essence, every ACOA has experienced at minimum, some level of child neglect (restricting love, warmth) and emotional abuse (inflicting verbal harm or other forms of emotional harm, such as passive-aggressiveness). Being part of non-12-step meetings might be most beneficial for ACOA survivors if and only if the ACOA survivor isn't also battling with addictions. But I could see how ACOA could help those with comorbid substance-abuse disorders (SUDs, as they nick it now).

Perhaps the rumination is part of the issue with ACOA, which might be beneficial to demonstrate consequences for those with addiction issues, but not so beneficial for those who ruminate over non-consequential stuff, but rather, abuse memories, shame memories, blame memories, self-hate memories, etc. Those things aren't using negative reinforcements in the proper way to stop a behavior, but rather in a self-punishing way to stay stuck in the past without any true grieving process that allows for growth (I'm not identified by my parent's addiction any longer; I was hurt, and it wasn't my fault, so I can move forward without blaming myself), positive affirmations (I survived, I'm not alone, we can move forward, we can make the most out of life, despite the emptiness of the past), positive reinforcements (positive changes through boundary setting, for instance), and many more things that the 12 steps don't address because they really aren't beneficial for victims (or, put differently, those dozen steps aren't beneficial for other mental disorders).

Maybe this will shed light on a new perspective - one that hopefully will help offer multiple paths of support for ACOA survivors.

I, for one, cannot feel comfortable or safe in a 12-step group.

This isn’t meant to sound judgy exclusive Or harsh but as someone who’s has years of sobriety from alcoholism because of AA I often feel a little…hijacked as far as the 12 step model goes. I won’t say that only
Alcoholics get to have 12 step groups but it seems like anyone can take the 12 steps (created for alcoholism and addiction) substitute any issue and bam a support group has formed. And there’s no one you can just call to get clarification about the literature, no CEO or Mr AA to call and no group or agency that oversees the whole process. So when you are talking about something triggering or psychological etc a 12 step model I don’t feel that peers are as qualified to dispense advice and guidance when the principles are addiction based. I know it works for many so this is just my opinion

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I completely agree with your statement, too, sarahsweets! And congratulations on your sobriety!

Here's the thing - I'm addicted to nicotine. I quit over 19 months ago, but I did that without any help. I was just scared straight from the pandemic. I did attempt to quit via medical guidance (the patch) as well as psychotherapy for smoking cessation. There are no nicotine anonymous groups; most 12-step groups have exchanged one drug for another - nicotine (lots of smokers at the 12-step meetings) or food (sugar, coffee/caffeine addiction, comfort food, etc.).

Most people whom I know who quit smoking don't attend any 12-step groups to maintain their sobriety. So, this may be saying something about the different needs for different people. Some people may need 12-step groups as a supplement to ongoing medical and/or mental health treatment, if they see addiction from the medical model perspective. Others may need "tough love" if they need accountability, if seeing it through the punitive model (thus criminalizing addictions). Some use both models, and others will use trauma-informed models (typically, in mental health and dual diagnosis settings).

I agree, there should be some accountability for the 12-step meetings themselves.

I've heard that from several people, too, sarahsweets, just as you wrote it out. Relatives and good friends have expressed this to me over the years. It's not just your impression. It's a valid concern.

When things are closer to being normal again, it would probably help to try several groups in person, and see which one fits you best.

Until then, there are always online groups---which I suspect by their very nature much more casual, and require less commitment.

Thanks, RT and SprinkL3.

I have to go back and read what the OP wrote, here....

Okay, I don't think the people at the helm of the ACOA Support system ever had 'keeping people stuck in one place' on their agenda.

A friend handed me the book that's used in their meetings, because it contained so many HELPFUL, POSITIVE and UPBEAT kinds of reflections that people could meditate on after a meeting, or reading one page a day out of that little volume. She had attended meetings for several years, and felt I could benefit (because of things I shared with her) from the earnest encouragement within its pages. And I did find it helpful.

I'm pretty certain the entire motivation behind having a support group in general is so that people can move on from painful experiences, and see hope for themselves and their lives.

Hello, been a long time since I've been here but I just had a couple of comments. As someone on both ends of the addiction issue, I think a lot of the healing can be more easily achieved by the perspective we allow. I see judgements towards those unfortunate enough to fall into addiction. I believe someone mentions " victims of people with addiction problems." If you view yourself as a victim of people, it's going to be hard to heal ,as there is going to be resentment. I prefer to think of myself as a survivor of the condition of addiction, both that I had it and that both parents did. I cannot imagine someone supporting someone through a terminal illness of another disease and calling themselves a "victim" of the disease of pick one, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimers etc and hold resentment towards the human who suffered with the condition. Of course that would effect the loved one, and they may hate the disease that robbed them of time with the person ( and yes addiction is another epidemic that takes lives ). There is still so much stigma attached to addiction and many of the non addicted who are related to them have lasting effects, sadly there are people who recover for many years and are still banished from the lives of others affected due to resentment . Yes there are social problems caused by the disease, but perhaps just perhaps if everyone knew just how hard it is to recover from , and how low the success rate is to recover , those who do should not have to continue to be treated cruelly and stigmatized and as if they have poor character. This stigma keeps people from seeking help, which exacerbates the problem and extends it for them and those around them. Perhaps a change in perspective, such as hate the disease not the sufferer would shorten the active phase for all involved and maybe then without stigma, they could help each other in their recovery from the disease. We know it can be a generational disease, it would likely be helpful if there was a generational group recovery. You ( hopefully ) wouldn't let someone go through cancer or Alzheimers alone, while being eternally ticked off with them. You need help too. Fight it together.