Hidden Memories - Passing Things Down

This is the thread where I am going to talk about "it". Yes that thing that nobody likes to talk about: Physical and mental abuse by our alcoholic parents. I have memories in bits and pieces and it worries me that they are just the tip of the iceberg - that I can't remember most of the abuse that happened.

To this day, these things still flash back and I can hardly believe that they happened, and I know that if there are only these few memories that there had to have been more- hidden memories. I always thought my childhood was idyllic until I was about 27. Then I tried to see someone that specialized in ACOA matters, but we didn't get very far. And I was early pregnant with my 2nd child.

Bottom line is, I have never had anyone try to get me to remember these things more concretely. I'm sure they're buried for a good reason. But I often wonder just how bad my childhood and teenage years actually were. I have such good memories in there too- we went on vacations to Disney World twice, and to see my grandparents in Canada at least 3 times in the house they built, but more if you count their apartment and big house before that- and that the problem- they are hidden too. The good memories are hidden with the bad. Day-to-day, the drunkenness , the being abandoned,- but hey we could cook our own dinner, right? And my dad said he'd cook us macaroni because we liked it! I know we did, but not THAT much. Other good memories include going to England for 3 weeks with those same grandparents and they paid for most everything. My dad seemed totally okay during those times! I wonder how far back his drinking really went! I have no idea and it would crush my childhood memories (early and middle childhood) to think that my dad was drinking back then, too- drinking through the times I saw as good (like the two Disney World trips, for example).. But lurking in the background was my dad's abuse as a child which fueled his drinking, I'm sure. And he's still an alcoholic and still troubled and still dealing with his childhood trauma from his family. I hope to god that I did not pass anything on to MY kids. They are all grown now.

How do I reconcile the good memories with the bad? Which person is my dad- the good guy who was such a loving father when I was young- or the bad guy who abused us and who still drinks and sometimes STOPS drinking cold turkey even now at age 73 and almost DIES from it? I never know which father I will get when I call him- the chipper happy dad who will rehash old memories with me (the good ones of course) or the drunk dad whose speech is unintelligible. And I may never see him again because he lives in another state and can't travel anymore because of his health. I can't really afford to go see him, either. And now with covid, its even MORE difficult. For the longest time I preferred to just relive all the good memories and forget the bad, but the bad has a place. Something to work through instead of brush under the rug.