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RoxanneToto
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Default Dec 23, 2020 at 10:04 AM
  #1
Is there a way of detaching from the anger of living with a long term alcoholic parent? Have been feeling quite angry at what’s been going on lately, mostly because of feeling protective towards my mum and she gets the brunt of it.
I wrote out a really long post but deleted it because it’s all just more of the same stuff we’ve been dealing with for years but what’s changed is I’ve been (twice lately) having angry outbursts towards him. My anger is justified, but the yelling isn’t doing anything to change things, never could either.
He fell over again about a week ago, cutting his head open and it took two paramedic crews to convince him to go to hospital (mum asked him to for her sake, he said no and I got mad at him, telling him he would be going. I went in the other room to calm down with my in-laws after apologising to the paramedics. I was amazed at how angry I felt, though, like I had a physical ball of negative energy in my stomach bursting out).
He wanted me to look at his head wound yesterday, after I said “yes I am squeamish” when he asked if I was. I said it was better to see the doctor if he didn’t think it was getting better. Got told off because I sounded angry then, too, but I didn’t actually realise.
This is only the tip of the iceberg, most people in this sub forum likely know the drill, though.
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Default Dec 23, 2020 at 01:37 PM
  #2
Dear Roxanne Toto,'

That whole situation sounds so distressing and demoralizing. I think I would be thinking and feeling the same things you are if I was in your shoes. Wish I knew how to be helpful but sadly I am at a loss. Your life must be so very difficult and that is heartbreaking.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Dec 23, 2020 at 02:51 PM
  #3
Thanks for your response, Yaowen, you’re always really kind even if you don’t have a solution, it helps! It’s mostly mum I worry about, but I know I can’t really do much. I keep out of his way as much as I can.
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Default Dec 23, 2020 at 10:00 PM
  #4
I am sorry RoxanneToto I have to admit I get angry myself and I do not care to associate with active alcoholics. Yes it is sad for the parent that gets the brunt of it. It’s surprising you mother stays with your father.
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Default Dec 24, 2020 at 12:34 PM
  #5
Thank you, Open Eyes. I also avoid being around active alcoholics as much as I can (it’s actually pretty easy for me, as I rarely go in pubs or other places where people might drink a lot, it’s just I can’t totally avoid being around my dad, of course). Mum does talk about divorce occasionally, but nothing ever comes of it. I’d support her if she ever wanted to go ahead with it though!
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Default Dec 26, 2020 at 08:45 PM
  #6
How old is your father Roxanne?
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Default Dec 28, 2020 at 03:37 PM
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Around 71, I keep forgetting exactly how old he is, though. Mum’s 75.
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 12:22 PM
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My father was an alcoholic and it has left me with some deep challenges. I was able to get close to my father and get to know the part of him aside of this disease. My older brother on the other hand still carries a great deal of anger. His relationship was very different so I understand his pain and I have listened to him talk about it quite a few times now since my father passed away. Neither my brother nor I developed a problem with alcohol, my older sister used to drink a lot, don't know if she still drinks. My sister turned into a very angry mean person and I can't be around her without getting severely triggered. I have had to have a lot of therapy to help me with that challenge.
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 01:42 PM
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Thank you, Open Eyes - I admire that you could do that. I’m as civil as I can be towards him, but keep interaction to a minimum. Another thing I really ought to bring up with my therapist when I start sessions again in the new year! The relationship between him and my brother wasn’t a million miles different than mine, although he’s slower to get angry than I am.
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 03:25 PM
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My older brother has a lot of buried anger about my father’s alcohol abuse. Actually I was talking to my brother yesterday when he once again brought up an old experience he witnessed where my father was so drunk he fell in the bathroom and hit his head against the toilet. My brother said it frightened him. Like your mother my mother suffered as well. So I get where you are coming from.

Another time he was so drunk he fell down the stairs and broke two ribs. My father was almost 93 when he passed. My father still drank when he was your fathers age. Not during the day though, mostly at night.

I am 64 so when I was younger there was not as much discussed about it like there is now. My father kept saying he did not have a problem because he did not drink every day. I learned much later he was wrong.

I have also learned how this problem is a disease and it’s very hard to stop and learn to live life sober. There are a lot of different things that can trigger a negative in me. Especially the way different people I was exposed to in my past would say things. Also certain behavior patterns I observed that are typical of addicts.

Have you ever attended an alanon meeting?
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Default Dec 30, 2020 at 03:37 PM
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There was actually a lot of alcoholism in your father’s generation and my father’s generation and even in my generation. I came across a lot of it in my piers.
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 02:25 PM
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@RoxanneToto the other thing that is happening with you is that the more you understand healthy boundaries the harder it is to see how your alcoholic father disrespects boundaries and also that he continues to choose engaging the alcohol because "it makes him feel good".

Alcoholics DO NOT respect boundaries and the more alcohol they consume the worse they get. I would have to say, that is the one significant thing I have noticed about this disease. Truth is EVERYTHING revolves around THEIR DRINKING AND ABUSING ALCOHOL. They become a walking problem everywhere they go too, at work, in friendships, and personal relationships. And at times they can be VERY entitled and genuinely struggle with their emotions and tend to act out and get themselves into trouble. They don't even know what "healthy relationship" means. Even their idea of what a "friend" means is warped. They look for ENABLERS, and they don't really LISTEN, they want what they want when they want it.

YES, your mother is suffering and she has learned to navigate as an ENABLER. It's VERY HARD to be a witness to that dynamic. Often an alcoholic will hook up with another addict because they WANT AN ENABLER. Then they fight and argue and pout and get angry and it's JUST AWFUL. If their partner is not also using then they work on making their partner codependent.

TRUTH be told, there is a lot of NARCISSISM with this disease and the addict doesn't even consciously realize it. They have a tendency to make bad decisions and blame others when things go wrong. You can only love them on THEIR TERMS. They do NOT see YOU in a normal way and they don't even know it.

They are often in the moment and conveniently FORGET your needs but MUST have their OWN needs come first. A lot of how they behave depends on how much alcohol has accumulated in their brain that affects the part of their brain where they have the ability to actually be AWARE of you. They tend to have a lot of cognitive distortions. Yet they don't see it because of this disease.
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Default Dec 31, 2020 at 04:00 PM
  #13
Everything you wrote is right, Open Eyes. We’ve seen it all in him, especially the narcissism. He does the sad sausage act a lot! It’s difficult to reconcile my feelings around mum with the fact she chose to stay even though it causes her so much stress. As much as I hate that she suffers, she could have chosen differently.
She tries to help him by “rationing” alcohol for him but it doesn’t work. When he can get out he buys more or puts it on a tab of some kind.
She actually realises all this, but maybe part of her thinks it might work one day? Maybe she gets a sense of control from doing it. He did improve a little through the first lock down, but we knew it couldn’t last.
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Mad Dec 31, 2020 at 05:18 PM
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I know this is hard but it’s important to consider their age. Your father has your mother trained and she doesn’t realize this role she has taken on. I saw this dynamic in my own parents. My parents passed away about a year and a half ago now. My parents were almost 95 and 93. I am 64 and all this talk about narcissists and codependency and enabling did not come up when I was younger and your mother more than likely has not been educated about the role she plays in this unhealthy dynamic. And it would probably be hard for her to learn how to live differently.

My father kept saying he did not have a problem because he did not drink everyday. Later when I learned about alcoholism and they actually know much more now I learned how this disease progresses. I also learned that after my fathers drinking on the weekends when his body was withdrawing he experienced bad moods.

I remember my mother complaining about it many times. Around the time my father was your fathers age he drank every nite. My father’s father was an alcoholic that drank daily and my father felt that if he did not do that then he was not an alcoholic. I also remember my mother hiding alcohol knowing if she didn’t my father would drink it.

The nature of this disease is denial, denial, denial. Also lack of true self awareness and emotional immaturity and self absorption.

It’s a very lonely existence for the wife and children. The husband and father is there but not truly present. It’s even worse when an alcoholic is an angry drunk prone to rages.

For myself the conversations I have had with my older brother have been listening to his anger. Given that we grew up in the same environment he needs to vent his anger in his grieving since my father passed away. I try my best to listen and comfort him. This means accepting that he feels what he feels as that was not considered when he was growing up.

With alcoholics it’s all about THEIR feelings and not yours. They are not AWARE of that either. However they can learn how to fake that they care. It’s part of the narcissistic nature of the disease.
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 12:57 PM
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Thanks, Open Eyes, I’m sorry you’ve also experienced similar as well. I think mum does have some level of awareness, but she’s stuck for many reasons, mostly like you say because of the “training” she’s had over the decades. The only saving grace is he has had exceedingly few rages. He has spoiled or outright sabotaged a lot of family get togethers, though.
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Default Jan 01, 2021 at 05:13 PM
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My dad is 74. He and my mom divorced when I was 22. I'm now 49 in a few months. I don't live near him and neither does my sister but he calls her every day to check in. Still, he's almost died from alcohol withdrawal when he went cold turkey off the booze. He's falled in the bathroom I don't know how many times. When I was a teenager, there was screaming and physical violence. My sister called 911 once but the police didn't do anything. These days he'd be hauled off to jail! I won't go into detail because it could be triggering. Even now when I call him, he doesn't really have anything to say partly because he stays at home all day every day unless he has to go to the grocery store- mostly because of covid. He's frail physically. He's got a terrible cough and had a quintuple bipass. Sometimes we go through old times and its fun to hear what his version of our memories are but sometimes he just sits there silent and I have to pick up the slack in the conversation and its really hard holding onto both ends of a conversation. I fear the day when he dies. He's frail. I see only 74 year old men and they make my dad look 94!

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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 01:16 PM
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It's unfortunate but there is a lot of cognitive distortion when it comes to the disease of alcoholism. There is a lot of self gaslighting in this disease too, this is part of the denial aspect of this disease.

When you get educated about it and know the behaviors, you begin to see the distortions much clearer and it's hard to sit and watch how others enable not realizing what they are enabling.
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 01:33 PM
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Very true.
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Default Jan 02, 2021 at 02:01 PM
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I just found this forum and I'm glad I did. Although my dad was a violent drunk and took it out on my mom, he never hit us kids. I always blamed myself when he got angry and thought if I could just do better, he wouldn't get mad. My mom left him when I got married and moved to another state. They both died about 10 years ago, but, dad had stopped drinking back in 1984 when I turned 18 . Before he died, we had a good relationship outside of the disease and I found out he was abused as a child in a very religious household. He had always drank. I'm glad I could make up the relationship with him, but still carry the scars he left behind. Your stories make me realize I am not alone. Thank you.
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Default Jan 03, 2021 at 04:45 PM
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@Open Eyes That's a great idea, Alanon. Roxanne Toto: I truly sympathize with u. You're very honorable protecting your Mum! Alcoholism at its worst, is vile & horrendous toxicity. I know cuz I used to be sick with alcoholism, like your Dad. Does he ever say that he wants to quit? How many years did u notice full-blown alcoholism? Some people are high functioning alcoholics. And I guess they hide the disease. Alcoholism is toxicity..for every person it touches. Its very bad news..
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