[Que Sera Sera]

my mom ... humph ... real piece of work.. mean alcoholic, very bitter. she made no bones about letting me know she dispised me.. loathed me and wanted nothing to do with me from the start. told me once all the nitty gritty details about how she had tried to do a "self abortion" to get rid of me before she had me.
i have quite a few vivid childhood memories which i will spare you all but this one heres a pretty good example ..
this one ive got pegged down puts me somewhere around 7 yrs old ....coloring book and box of crayons in my hand i went to "mommy" and asked her to color with me .. she grabbed the crayons and color book out of my hands.. dumped the entire box of crayons out on the table slammed the book open to a random page grabbed a crayon (it was yellow btw) just scribbled gibberish on the page picked the book up flung it at me and said "there, is that good enough for you.. i colored".. she got up.. began to storm out. stopped turned around screamed at me to pick up my gd mess, get back in your room where you belong and leave me the h#!+ alone.
the reason i brought that up here is to offer my take on the question of children and parents and how they end up either opposites or identical..
i knew very very very early on i was never going to have children of my own. i knew that i had no business being a mom whos responsible to raising a child. i did not have a good role model & as much as id like to make my self believe iwould not be my mom i knew i could not trust my own self enough to take the risk of the chance that i would not be the mom my mom was to me. i am not equipped to wing it on my own and it would not be fair at all to try and raise a kid when i had no idea how the heck i was doing & no clue how i was supose to figure out what to do.
as time has gone by & ive gotten to know more about how my own nature was turning out ive run the thought thru about maybe i could give it a go after all, but, to this day where i am now well past my childbearing age ... i still do not trust myself enough to feel it be safe for me to be a mom.
the person as a person i am .. i do have my "mom moments" where i turn right into her. a couple of times on a few occasions people who knew my mom have witnessed it and even they mentioned seeing the "mom mimic" right then. i am very aware of it in me and i have put a ton of effort into stopping myself the instant i see myself becoming her. snippy sarcasm, bits of bitter, snooty selfrichious.. the bad stuff is the only her i have in me . there was no good traits for me to carry so.. ..all my good, is all me!
although im not sure opposite is the word i use to describe our differences but... ive always made it my # 1 point too priority .. to NOT be the type of person my mom was. its not a matter of i counter her greed with my generosity type of thing but i found her to be a rather offensive person ... and that is NOT how i want people to feel about me.
its not about do exact opposite of her its more like do it any way EXCEPT her way.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Que Sera Sera

my mom ... humph ... real piece of work.. mean alcoholic, very bitter. she made no bones about letting me know she dispised me.. loathed me and wanted nothing to do with me from the start. told me once all the nitty gritty details about how she had tried to do a "self abortion" to get rid of me before she had me.
i have quite a few vivid childhood memories which i will spare you all but this one heres a pretty good example ..
this one ive got pegged down puts me somewhere around 7 yrs old ....coloring book and box of crayons in my hand i went to "mommy" and asked her to color with me .. she grabbed the crayons and color book out of my hands.. dumped the entire box of crayons out on the table slammed the book open to a random page grabbed a crayon (it was yellow btw) just scribbled gibberish on the page picked the book up flung it at me and said "there, is that good enough for you.. i colored".. she got up.. began to storm out. stopped turned around screamed at me to pick up my gd mess, get back in your room where you belong and leave me the h#!+ alone.
the reason i brought that up here is to offer my take on the question of children and parents and how they end up either opposites or identical..
i knew very very very early on i was never going to have children of my own. i knew that i had no business being a mom whos responsible to raising a child. i did not have a good role model & as much as id like to make my self believe iwould not be my mom i knew i could not trust my own self enough to take the risk of the chance that i would not be the mom my mom was to me. i am not equipped to wing it on my own and it would not be fair at all to try and raise a kid when i had no idea how the heck i was doing & no clue how i was supose to figure out what to do.
as time has gone by & ive gotten to know more about how my own nature was turning out ive run the thought thru about maybe i could give it a go after all, but, to this day where i am now well past my childbearing age ... i still do not trust myself enough to feel it be safe for me to be a mom.
the person as a person i am .. i do have my "mom moments" where i turn right into her. a couple of times on a few occasions people who knew my mom have witnessed it and even they mentioned seeing the "mom mimic" right then. i am very aware of it in me and i have put a ton of effort into stopping myself the instant i see myself becoming her. snippy sarcasm, bits of bitter, snooty selfrichious.. the bad stuff is the only her i have in me . there was no good traits for me to carry so.. ..all my good, is all me!
although im not sure opposite is the word i use to describe our differences but... ive always made it my # 1 point too priority .. to NOT be the type of person my mom was. its not a matter of i counter her greed with my generosity type of thing but i found her to be a rather offensive person ... and that is NOT how i want people to feel about me.
its not about do exact opposite of her its more like do it any way EXCEPT her way.

I am so sorry you had such ordeal no child should live like this. I applaud your ability to be insightful and thrive to do better. It takes strength

[Marie123]

I am so so sorry you had such a cruel mom. I also did and made a vow to never be like her.....and then realized that I was nothing like her! I have children and became the mom I always wanted to have and in a way it was healing.

[Open Eyes]

I am very sorry that you grew up with such a negative presence like that. It sounds like your mother was extremely unhappy with herself and sought to escape through alcohol where she was such an angry drunk. It's especially hard for any child that has to be exposed to such a scary mean presence like that. When someone behaves that way it's important to understand through your adult mind that she was not attacking you personally, that you did nothing wrong either but more that she resented herself.

Alcoholism is such a hard thing to be around because often the alcoholic blames everyone else for their unhappiness. The person gets used to lying and creating their own narrative, all the while also living in denial that they are IN this disease actively. Ugh, and they constantly have excuses of I can stop anytime, it will work out, I just need it right now while I (whatever the excuse). It's their effort to escape from themselves and their insecurities which is why there are so many narcissistic behaviors in alcoholics.

[~*glass_owl*~]

[unaluna]

Que sera sera - im glad this thread was saved. The coloring incident sounded familiar to me, that was how my mother interacted with me, and then how i would interact with my little friends or cousins. My idea of playing house was to slap my baby doll and then game over! I remember ALWAYS wondering wth kind of game was this, what were you supposed to DO?

It took me many years and much therapy to realize "house" is a game of attachment, of relationships. I had book knowledge of such things from novels, but no real understanding. I dont think my therapists even understood how lacking in attachment i was.

I had inherited many of my mothers mannerisms and they were not serving me well. I feel my own self is barely developed. Some things i know are true - i like this politics and not that - but that is sociological, not personal.

[Mendingmysoul]

Que sera sera,so sorry for what you went through as a child.My mom was not alcoholic but was very violent,cruel and put me through all kinds of abuse.When I played house,I used to try to breastfeed my doll and sang lullabies to her.Later cried myself to sleep.I am sorry for all of the posters who had abusive mothers.Its just awful to be in that situation as a kid.Hugs to you all.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm so sorry for all you went through as a child, Que Sera Sera.

I also did not have a good role model in how to be a mother (loving, generous, and kind... no to all of those in how I was treated ) I remember when I was 4 a game I used to play with a doll

I did not learn in that ''family'' that ''house'' is a game of attachment and relationships

I am not sure who was so violent with me when I was that young as I was raised by a string of au pairs. I do remember one of them being violent and abusive.

Hugs and respect to all

[MuseumGhost]

BIG hugs to you Que Sera Sera. No child should ever have to endure that from a parent.

My mother was not mean, per se. But she could be very cold, moody, distant, and changeable. That was bad enough.

I know she had a kind side to her. She was very, very good to my disabled sister. She talked to us about how we should consider our sister's situation, and how to be a humane and patient, loving individual. As we got older, she talked often about the future, and creating a tolerant, benevolent world. She was as interested in our having good characters, as well as her concern about our education and our health.

But she had moments, and she could turn on a dime. The littlest offense could set her off. And she would essentially turn to ice at times, too---most often, just when I needed her to NOT be ice.

It was hard living in that house.

[SprinkL3]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Que Sera Sera.

I am an adult survivor of an alcoholic (my dad). I can relate in some ways, but what you described was really painful. It was both emotional abusive and emotionally neglectful, in addition to having to witness an alcoholic parent.

(((safe hugs)))