My Father

My dad wasn't an alcoholic, he just drank all the time. My father was good to me, goodness he spent more for me to go to school than many people earn in a lifetime. He was old to have a son as young as me, he was a smart guy, he had been a combat pilot that flew F4-Phantoms in Vietnam and then transitioned to F-15's and was stationed in Europe and that's where he met my mum. What would you know, I came along, and you don't exactly have to be Ptolemy to know I was probably not drawn up on a design board. My mum was joking with me once that they just came home to their flat one day, and I jumped out of thin air as a toddler and screamed...."Surprise!" Dad was always patient with me, in this I was lucky, he was a big rough and tumble kind of person, that never once put a hand on me to harm me. Even after he stopped flying he worked as an engineer, and I can remember sitting in his workshop, and we would talk about engineering and mathematical concepts. Once we moved to the states though and he separated from my mum, he thought the way to show your child love was to provide well and throw money at them. I never wanted anything but more time in the shop to talk, he never came to watch me play baseball, or we didn't do a whole lot, except on occasional family trip. When I was a young teen, me and my good friends, would go to DragonCon every summer, dad would always materialize a few days before and hand me 5 or 6K because he always told me he didn't want me to have an emergency and not have it. He liked that I collected comics and did the kind of stuff. All too often though he was not there, he would be gone at times for days, weeks, I had a stepmother that was a good person, but she was a full time nurse that always worked. I watch how other kids are raised mystified, I never had a bedtime, could go just wherever whenever, except on school days. The only expectation from him was that I did not get in trouble and made good grades in school. Most parents hair would turn white and fall out. But even as a kid I was rather responsible, to this day I have never even had a speeding ticket. My father had issues from his military service and I understand that now, when you are a kid you don't. He was an alcoholic but a functional one that never missed a day of work in his life and made fantastic money. When he was home he treated us well, and I want to do nothing more now than to have him here to hug him. The barrier between life and death separates us, not much longer. Then perhaps he and I can go fishing, and he won't have something else to do. And maybe he won't need to drink so much because all of that stuff that bothered him so badly, and the stuff that bothers me so badly will just fall away. I drank when I was in the military, but quickly escaped that trap, his life to me was a cautionary tale. He was good because if it wasn't for him, there would be no me, I am not a bad fellow either. Everyone always still says of his good qualities he had they see them all in me. Thanks for that dad, I never got to tell you that. But you not being around much then, and most especially now really hurts. I know you can't help it now, I will see you soon.

You were fortunate to have that. My father and I had nothing. Mom died when I was a teen. She was a good woman. It all left quite a void. I've adapted but not well.