[sunsetsunrise]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Grey Matter]

Currently in so much denial about it all my brain is starting to believe the denial over truth.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

Currently in so much denial about it all my brain is starting to believe the denial over truth.

Yes, denial can be so dangerous. Believe me, its how I ruined my health. Its so much a part of this disease. The good news is that on some level you know you are in denial. I hope that part of you can take charge. Because this disease, untreated, is progressive. Or thats been what I have noticed. It take more of a grip as time goes on.

Are you getting any help at all?

[Grey Matter]

thank you.

I am not getting help for it, no. I think it's always been in my brain since it was just something that was always brought up to me ("you're too fat" "you're too big" "go on a diet") even when I wasn't big. Thanks to my lovely extended abusive family.

I really do need to bring it up now though. With my autoimmune diseases and my now poor kidney function, I really can't let this continue. But it feels like the only thing I have left to control. I can't control my failing health or my pain but this I can. It's so twisted and exhausting I know I need to stop.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

thank you.

I am not getting help for it, no. I think it's always been in my brain since it was just something that was always brought up to me ("you're too fat" "you're too big" "go on a diet") even when I wasn't big. Thanks to my lovely extended abusive family.

I really do need to bring it up now though. With my autoimmune diseases and my now poor kidney function, I really can't let this continue. But it feels like the only thing I have left to control. I can't control my failing health or my pain but this I can. It's so twisted and exhausting I know I need to stop.

I hear ya re the abusive family. The roots of my ed come from mostly my abusive mother. Although even dad had a role to play in it saying he would like to see me painfully thin.

I also hear ya re the control thing. To me it is the only thing I am good at that I can control. So I do hear you. I ruined my health starving. I ruined my digestive system. Dig system is also linked to immune system. I know why the naturopath was very concerned about my heart. I have compromised that muscle.

I dont know how recovery from starving works. But I think that it may involve working with someone to find substitute.... real ways to feel in control. I think the goal is to learn to be in control (in a healthy way) of the body. Of the food.

I know from observing people who I love who are ano, that this is a profoundly deteitful disease. Because the person with the ed thinks they control it. But really it controls the person. Through body dysmorphia. Through messages that are the opposite of truth. And it sadly only seems to get worse unless its treated. Odd that I have so much clarity about it with other people. And yet I need to heal my own ed.

So I call ano the great deceiver. Again, because it twists the truth. It is in control. Until the person works to heal the disease and take back the power. Thats a long process. And a veryyyyyyy scary one. I know. My heart and degestive system knows. My mind is twisted though. By this disease.

I also yoyo. I am also a compulsive eater. I cannot control food. So if I am not vigilant, i will gain spiral out of control in the other direction. Same coin, opposite side. We all deserve help to take back our real power from this warped disease

[Fuzzybear]

[Grey Matter]

Sun, you're totally right. I am not in control of this at all; yet I feel like I am. It's tricking me. For a while I was able to have these behaviors in my mind and ignore them. Recently I have been acting on the ideas, etc. It's horrid.

[Inmediasres]

I agree that the desire to control is the driving force behind ed, but as Sun stated, in reality, the ed is controlling us. Controlling our weight is like a coping mechanism we use in order to reduce the anxiety, depression, etc., with which we are dealing.

I don't know if you find this, but I find that the more others try to control me (the way I think, what I do, what I say, what I eat, when I eat, etc.), the more I feel the need to clinch control of my weight. It is the one thing that is mine that I feel as though I can control.

What I have found that has helped me loosen my grip on controlling my weight is reclaiming my selfhood, which, over the course of years, I have lost. Starting at a very young age, I have always allowed others (my mother being the worse) to tell me how to think, what to believe, what actions to take, what to like, who to like, etc. I have let others have their way too much by allowing their feelings, beliefs, and desires to become more important than my own. So slowly, I have started to assert myself and set boundaries. I have been met with a lot of resistance, but I keep moving forward reclaiming myself and in doing so, learning who I am.

I hope that I find that as I assert myself more, I will have less of a need to keep clinching onto the ed. With some fluctuations, since I have been asserting myself, I have at least somewhat maintained my weight.

Is there anyone in your life who is not allowing you to be you??? Is someone or something (other than the ed) who/that is controlling you?

Also, through my experience with ano, I have come to believe that the disease easily worsens because we become so desensitized with our appearance. I find people staring at me in disconcerting ways, and I think why are they staring at me??? Then I realize it's because I'm much thinner than I see myself. We CANNOT trust our perceptions at all.

Originally Posted by sunsetsunrise

I hear ya re the abusive family. The roots of my ed come from mostly my abusive mother. Although even dad had a role to play in it saying he would like to see me painfully thin.

I also hear ya re the control thing. To me it is the only thing I am good at that I can control. So I do hear you. I ruined my health starving. I ruined my digestive system. Dig system is also linked to immune system. I know why the naturopath was very concerned about my heart. I have compromised that muscle.

I dont know how recovery from starving works. But I think that it may involve working with someone to find substitute.... real ways to feel in control. I think the goal is to learn to be in control (in a healthy way) of the body. Of the food.

I know from observing people who I love who are ano, that this is a profoundly deteitful disease. Because the person with the ed thinks they control it. But really it controls the person. Through body dysmorphia. Through messages that are the opposite of truth. And it sadly only seems to get worse unless its treated. Odd that I have so much clarity about it with other people. And yet I need to heal my own ed.

So I call ano the great deceiver. Again, because it twists the truth. It is in control. Until the person works to heal the disease and take back the power. Thats a long process. And a veryyyyyyy scary one. I know. My heart and degestive system knows. My mind is twisted though. By this disease.

I also yoyo. I am also a compulsive eater. I cannot control food. So if I am not vigilant, i will gain spiral out of control in the other direction. Same coin, opposite side. We all deserve help to take back our real power from this warped disease

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by Teen Idle

Sun, you're totally right. I am not in control of this at all; yet I feel like I am. It's tricking me. For a while I was able to have these behaviors in my mind and ignore them. Recently I have been acting on the ideas, etc. It's horrid.

yes. It is tricky. thats for sure. Or I call it deceptive. The good thing is that you (and I) are able to see that.

I really like what Inmediasres wrote. She is totally right from my personal expereince of it. For me what she wrote makes total sense. I dont know if it fits for you as well.