[Dust to Dust]

(Warning: Before reading there may be trigger words in this)

With depression and eating disorders? Or do the 2 just correlate? I've been depressed for awhile and am just noticing my habits from it..I'm just never hungry and if I am then I'll eat. I don't think I'm all that concerned with gaining weight but then it really depends on the day. I used to be chubby..I was 5'5 and overweight.. and I lost weight the healthy way through exercise and eating healthy foods. My girlfriend was my main inspiration. She was a gym girl and she helped me get in shape. My portions were so huge and I ate out socially too much. That all changed. But she's moved away and I've been depressed lately..to the point where it's hard to like move. I eat the same thing for breakfast every day. I literally force myself because I'm usually too tired. It's always a cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal. Lunch is questionable now. All my meals actually are for this reason..... my brother has anorexia and bulimia..along with a few other disorders. His was bad. But he took it out on us, whether he meant to or not. My mom would come home and all our groceries from the day before would be thrown out or eaten and then purged. One day he actually ate all our food and took all the plates and threw up all over them and then wrote hurtful words in it and left it out in the apartment for us to come home to. I literally threw up at the sight of it all. To resolve this issue, my mother and I split the cost of a mini fridge which we keep in our very tiny room that we share...we then bought a lock to put around it but somehow my brother found a way in. I've tried hiding food..sometimes we'll put it in the dryer or under my bed..I've put bread and peanut butter in my underwear draw but it's still found. I used to have a large purse that I would put non-refridgable food in and I would carry it everywhere so there'd be no way of him taking anything but that phase become wearing. Anyways, my mom's solution was just to stop buying food which sucked because we'd starve all the time. My brother would even flip out if he found out food was bought because he felt financially food shouldn't be a necessity. I think my mom gave up and took everything out on me. I was then told that I should have to pay for my own food because she couldn't afford it. Back in the old days, I would buy small things..but they would just get stolen or eaten and then it just felt like a waste of money. So lately, my cup of coffee and oatmeal are items that he won't steal so that's been it for me every day.. then I usually skip lunch..I did have packets of mixed nuts but I ran out..and even that isn't considered a lunch and I know my girlfriend would kill me if she found out this was how it really is with her gone. She takes care of me... she made sure I had meals..she made sure I was okay. I know we'll be together soon but this is all so hard. It shouldn't be this hard right? And on top of that my mother never makes dinners like ever.. if she does it's an egg.. or a pancake.. or something cheap and fast and not so healthy for you. My brother also is a truant..so he gets homeschooled and there's always a teacher out in our livingroom.. so my mom feels it's rude to cook while they are here..so by the time they leave it's past dinner time and there's no need to cook for her.. sometimes I just find myself sitting at the dinnertable with her not eating.. sometimes she'll yell at me for everything and it becomes so stressful to the point where I just want to throw up.

Anyways..I'm 23 years old,5'5. I see my ribs and sometimes I enjoy that..I also find myself constantly checking my weight at least like 10 times a day.. but I know my girlfriend would know there's something wrong. I'm not as energetic as I once was.. I just don't enjoy things under this household. Is there a difference between depression and just not eating because of myself and my situational trauma going on versus eating disorders where it's about image and not wanting to eat because you don't want to gain? Or is it correlated? And does anyone have any advice about having food around someone who is sufferring an eating disorder. Because I think it's making me even more depressed and my weight is slipping so rappidly. My mom actually thought I had like cancer because I dropped weight so suddenly..she's obviously a bit paranoid.. but truly, I don't know what to do and my physical is around the corner and I know my doctor is going to know something is up.

[utterlyconfused]

Originally Posted by Dust to Dust

(Warning: Before reading there may be trigger words in this)

With depression and eating disorders? Or do the 2 just correlate? I've been depressed for awhile and am just noticing my habits from it..I'm just never hungry and if I am then I'll eat. I don't think I'm all that concerned with gaining weight but then it really depends on the day. I used to be chubby..I was 5'5 and overweight.. and I lost weight the healthy way through exercise and eating healthy foods. My girlfriend was my main inspiration. She was a gym girl and she helped me get in shape. My portions were so huge and I ate out socially too much. That all changed. But she's moved away and I've been depressed lately..to the point where it's hard to like move. I eat the same thing for breakfast every day. I literally force myself because I'm usually too tired. It's always a cup of coffee and a packet of oatmeal. Lunch is questionable now. All my meals actually are for this reason..... my brother has anorexia and bulimia..along with a few other disorders. His was bad. But he took it out on us, whether he meant to or not. My mom would come home and all our groceries from the day before would be thrown out or eaten and then purged. One day he actually ate all our food and took all the plates and threw up all over them and then wrote hurtful words in it and left it out in the apartment for us to come home to. I literally threw up at the sight of it all. To resolve this issue, my mother and I split the cost of a mini fridge which we keep in our very tiny room that we share...we then bought a lock to put around it but somehow my brother found a way in. I've tried hiding food..sometimes we'll put it in the dryer or under my bed..I've put bread and peanut butter in my underwear draw but it's still found. I used to have a large purse that I would put non-refridgable food in and I would carry it everywhere so there'd be no way of him taking anything but that phase become wearing. Anyways, my mom's solution was just to stop buying food which sucked because we'd starve all the time. My brother would even flip out if he found out food was bought because he felt financially food shouldn't be a necessity. I think my mom gave up and took everything out on me. I was then told that I should have to pay for my own food because she couldn't afford it. Back in the old days, I would buy small things..but they would just get stolen or eaten and then it just felt like a waste of money. So lately, my cup of coffee and oatmeal are items that he won't steal so that's been it for me every day.. then I usually skip lunch..I did have packets of mixed nuts but I ran out..and even that isn't considered a lunch and I know my girlfriend would kill me if she found out this was how it really is with her gone. She takes care of me... she made sure I had meals..she made sure I was okay. I know we'll be together soon but this is all so hard. It shouldn't be this hard right? And on top of that my mother never makes dinners like ever.. if she does it's an egg.. or a pancake.. or something cheap and fast and not so healthy for you. My brother also is a truant..so he gets homeschooled and there's always a teacher out in our livingroom.. so my mom feels it's rude to cook while they are here..so by the time they leave it's past dinner time and there's no need to cook for her.. sometimes I just find myself sitting at the dinnertable with her not eating.. sometimes she'll yell at me for everything and it becomes so stressful to the point where I just want to throw up.

Anyways..I'm 23 years old,5'5. I see my ribs and sometimes I enjoy that..I also find myself constantly checking my weight at least like 10 times a day.. but I know my girlfriend would know there's something wrong. I'm not as energetic as I once was.. I just don't enjoy things under this household. Is there a difference between depression and just not eating because of myself and my situational trauma going on versus eating disorders where it's about image and not wanting to eat because you don't want to gain? Or is it correlated? And does anyone have any advice about having food around someone who is sufferring an eating disorder. Because I think it's making me even more depressed and my weight is slipping so rappidly. My mom actually thought I had like cancer because I dropped weight so suddenly..she's obviously a bit paranoid.. but truly, I don't know what to do and my physical is around the corner and I know my doctor is going to know something is up.

**Trigger Warning**

First of all, I just want to encourage you to try to eat small things. Even if it is an apple, or a light salad. Try to eat. My parents are constantly fighting and its always about me or my brother. I hate it, and so for me, my ed is both from the depression and not wanting to eat, but I am also very restrictive in what I eat because I am terrified of gaining weight. I can definitely relate to seeing ribs and making you happy. I don't know what that is all about, but it's something about the bone definition that just makes me so please with myself.

In your case, I do think that there is a difference. You aren't being restrictive and starving yourself because you want to, but because you simply aren't hungry. Anorexia and bulimia have psychological issues of a distorted body image, and sometimes people will hear voices in their heads saying little things like, "oh you're getting a bit chunky there," or, "you're gigantic! Look at all of that fat!" when there isn't anything there.

My t has been warning me about the different side effects of not eating, and I just want to share them with you so you don't wind up in a hospital or collapsing from lack of nutrition. When you don't eat, your whole body is effected. Your brain, organs, memory... anything and everything. That is probably part of the reason why you are losing energy. When you don't eat, or you have under 1,200 calories per day, your body will eventually go into starvation mode and will store everything it can. Since it sounds like you are losing a lot of weight, you probably need to start eating more because your body only has but so much fat to survive off of. The scary thing about restriction from food is that you don't know the damage you're doing to your body. When you start to see outward changes, there could be more internal damage done than you may realize.

I don't mean to sound preachy, but I just don't want you to end up in a hospital from not eating. Like I said earlier, try to eat. There is a difference between depression and not eating and having an ed. My advice for having food around your brother, I would buy what you know you're going to eat that day. If you cook, make something for you and your mom or something for just yourself. I would eat it in private, but I don't know much about bulimia and the different triggers that correlate with it. If anything, just don't eat at home. I hope things get better for you, and I hope this helps!