[shezbut]

It became obvious to me by the time my sister was a young teenager. (I'm 4 years younger than she.) I have really struggled with acceptance of my sister being past the point of no return. Just curious if a little part of her is still good ~ like a little girl inside? She's 43 years old.

I hate to think that my sister's whole life will be filled with crime, feeling unloved, and without care for other human beings. Makes me so sad whenever I think of her. Is there any hope for her??

[Perna]

I think only she could answer that (and she may not be able to).

People are rarely one thing/way. I would look hard at what you see and find some neutral or positive/similar things in your sister. Big differences engage us whereas the everyday does not because it's just. . . normal :-) When your sister exhibits a behavior that you and others don't like, still, you notice it. If she rarely got noticed for positive things, she did for negative things. Hard to balance that out. It's like people who are always doing for others but not themselves, which "socially" looks/feels good but is just as unhealthy.

Do you hang out at all with your sister? Do anything at all together? What does she have in common with you (does she like/dislike makeup like you or make her bed every morning because you parents were strict and made you all and it became a habit, etc.) How do you remember her kindly as being her younger sister?

My next older brother and I played a lot when we were young because we were closest in age to one another (I have another pair of brothers equidistant from one another in age but second oldest is separated from this, third oldest brother, by more years than the two pairs are from each other) and I can even remember when we bathed together. Mostly I was his sidekick since I was a girl and younger. But we did share things, even if not equally/the same?

This brother is now estranged from the entire family. However, when our parents died, I sent him a "special" item from our childhood, even though he wants nothing whatsoever to do with memories and our family. I actually got a note thanking me :-)

There might be things you remember that could trigger good, joint, shared memories and you could talk about them and about your lives now, etc. and maybe get a sense of where and how she is bothered and help support her in a positive manner?

[shezbut]

My sister was basically kicked out of the family by my mom.

My sister, Janet, was always in trouble. Janet stood up for herself in fights with my brother, Mark. Yet, she was the one who always got into trouble. My mom was her step-mom and I always sensed that mom hated Janet. I tried hard to show Janet that I cared about her, but she needed to see love from my parents. I certainly never saw it given to her.

Janet was in and out of juvenile hall, to and from Grandma and Grandpa's in Chicago (we were in Ca. at that time). It was very hectic! Things got a little better several years after Janet became an adult, when she was in a solid relationship. I spent a few years seeing her kind of frequently, that was nice. Unfortunately, she caught up with a "bad boy" and never came back from that place. Drinking, drugs, stealing, major crimes, etc.

I tried to help Janet turn things around a few times ~ I wasn't a kid anymore either. But Janet was stuck in a low world that she couldn't leave. My mom told Janet that she never, ever wanted to hear from her again. Janet had 2 boys and 1 girl the last I heard or saw 8 years ago. I was absolutely furious with my mom for telling Janet to never call us again ~ and have tried twice to find her.

We have moved to Mn, and SO MUCH has happened in my life. Janet couldn't find me now even if she wanted to. I hold a lot of resentment towards my mom for closing the door & kicking her out of the family. That's what makes me so sad and angry.

I haven't ever pushed Janet away. I've saved all of the letters she once sent, to remind myself of the friendship that we did have. Just sad that it's gone. I wish that I knew where she was and if she and her kids are okay. Hopefully, she's no longer running from the law (or with a man who is). I really do care. And I resent my mom for playing such a large role in Janet's chaos.

[NuckingFutz]

Has she been tested for APD? a lot of people put this label on those whom have shown some traits of APD but have not been assessed. This disorder is exetremely rare, about 1 percent of females. I am sorry that your mom kicked your sister out of the family. I hope she still has your love.

[Perna]

That sounds really sad (for you as well as her!) Shezbut. Doesn't sound like she was "born bad" but kind of drifted into that sort of life from negative parenting and lack of options. And getting into the drug/crime world is a really hard one to get out of it seems.

I hope she's doing okay too. Have you written to her last known address or anything, tried to find her? How old would the kids be now? Maybe old enough you could help in some way if they needed it?

I'm sorry you mom was so unpleasant to your half sister; that had to be very hard for you, since it was your mom. I had a stepmother and am a stepmother; doesn't sound like your mom's life was too easy herself, though, either.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Has she been tested for APD? a lot of people put this label on those whom have shown some traits of APD but have not been assessed. This disorder is exetremely rare, about 1 percent of females. I am sorry that your mom kicked your sister out of the family. I hope she still has your love.

Honestly, I don't know if Janet was ever technically diagnosed with APD. She saw mental health docs a few times, and had a great way of getting everyone against one another. So, the docs were against my parents, and my parents against them for a while. Then, the doc would see janet from a different angle, and she'd be gone. My parents were against the grandparents too (and vice-versa). This is a striking personality characteristic that Janet has.

I've got a BA in psychology and did an extensive study paper on the condition. That was a perfect description of my sister. Not to say, she's a slime...I'm simply saying that I'm convinced that Janet suffers the disorder. And I can understand why! I feel very sad for her.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Perna

That sounds really sad (for you as well as her!) Shezbut. Doesn't sound like she was "born bad" but kind of drifted into that sort of life from negative parenting and lack of options. And getting into the drug/crime world is a really hard one to get out of it seems.

I hope she's doing okay too. Have you written to her last known address or anything, tried to find her? How old would the kids be now? Maybe old enough you could help in some way if they needed it?

I'm sorry you mom was so unpleasant to your half sister; that had to be very hard for you, since it was your mom. I had a stepmother and am a stepmother; doesn't sound like your mom's life was too easy herself, though, either.

Thanks Perna. I do think that Janet was emotionally alone. She really didn't have emotional support, and understandably fell into the wrong crowd. She certainly got attention there! Negative attention, but it was attention ~ better than nothing.

I did try writing several years ago, but my letters were returned by the post office. I searched on the internet, paying to look into her, and found old addresses (as well as probable newer ones) but the listed address doesn't exist. No such thing. I also called police departments (in those areas) to see if she was currently encarcerated. Nope. That's all of the info they can give.

Her daughter is around 17 now. Janet depended on Tabbitha for watching the 2 young boys a few times, pulling her out of school. I was very upset when I found out about that, and promised tabbitha that I'd always be in her life. That was the last freaking time I saw her! (A huge part of my anger towards my mom on that one!) The boys must be about 10 and 11 now. I have no idea if Janet ever had more kids. Maybe. Just so sad to me!