[LittleVoice]

My boyfriend split up with me a month ago, he maintains that he still loves me and we have talked regularly since. I am not planning on any reconciliation but care about him deeply and am maintaining a friendship with him.

I have been trying to get closure on some of the issues in the relationship.

During a long conversation last night we were talking about the suppression of some of his feelings as I felt that perhaps I hadn’t encouraged him enough. We had talked about this quite a few times since splitting up as he said that was part of the reason for the split.

After talking about him feeling disconnected with people he then admitted to me that he thinks he is a sociopath.

I didn’t really know what this meant and googled it.

I am so confused now.

He has ensured me that he felt strong love for me, that he felt sparks in his head, that it made him change his behaviour, that he would sacrifice his safety etc for me, how much he would hate seeing me upset, he felt protective over me, feel guilty if I was upset with him for any reason, he would spend hours talking through things with me if I had things in my life that were up setting me, he had so much patience, never demanding, always gentle, he said he was insecure but never really showed it, he was attentive, would care for me and be nurturing when I was sick and seemed entirely selfless, loyal loving. - almost to the point where he was a doormat. We were very frank in our discussions and I believe that he did not cheat on me or deceive me at any point and he reiterated that he couldn’t due to the amount he cared for me. I don’t think this is me being naïve, I spent 2 years with him and have been a friend for a year before that, have seen him when he was tired ill etc and never saw him falter once. I only saw him angry a couple of times briefly. He had tremendous self control and I think a lot of him.

He seemed to genuinely want to be with me and on the phone last night he said he involuntary smiled when I was talking about the fact that he said he wanted children with me. He said that must mean that he meant it.

From what I have read on the internet, our relationship does not seem to fit with the sorts of relationships that sociopaths have.

I think since he has diagnosed himself he has felt everything is a self fulfilling prophecy and he just gives up on things, including me.

When describing what he meant he said that he can feel the big stuff like love and to certain extent fear but doesn’t grieve if someone dies, he said he thinks he could kill someone without remorse, that he cares about his family but doesn’t think he loves them, He will deceive people and not feel bad.

He says that he trusts me more than anyone and can’t believe that he told me those things. He says he thinks he manages it because both of his parents are psychologists so he has a great awareness of concepts due to discussions with them throughout growing up and also he feels that his IQ (I think it’s 148 or something) enables to perhaps make him able to manage it in a certain way that allows him to manage it.

He has a terribly sad and traumatic passed of bullying throughout school for around 12 years- it was sustained physical and mental abuse. His mother took him out of one school only for the same to happen in the next, He internalised and never told his family the extent of the suffering and abuse. During his teens everything came out as violence and crime etc with getting into a gang , but never got caught for anything.

He says he has learnt to say things through the patterns of speech etc on TV. His future plans involve living in a caste and living forever.

I asked him if he grieved for me and he said he missed me a great deal. He only has ever cried at TV. He says his greatest (over grandparents etc) loss was a cat he had

He does seem to regret these years and who he was back then.

He doesn’t realise when he is depressed, he says that he just sort of comes around a few weeks later unkempt and then realises he must be depressed. He isolates himself very easily.

He says when he was depressed 3 years ago he saw a therapist who wanted to do a personality disorder test on him but he refused and he said that he had otherwise it would be ‘on his record’

When he told me about the extent of his trauma when we first started going out I put him in touch with a therapist, he told her a lot about the bullying she got a hypnotherapist in, he let a lot of anger out, but he says now he didn’t tell her everything.

He really wrestles with all this, he has such an awful life I feel he deserves to be happy,-Do you think he is a sociopath? Is it really true that he will never change? Will he never be able to settle down with someone? Are people ever happy that are this way? Should I continue to stick by him?

[IKellyI]

Hmm, that does indeed sound strange. But, unless he was that good at decieving and lying, I don't think he is sociopathic. But I´m not a psychologist or anything. I´m just here to learn about myself.

[Cotton ball]

Little Voice,
I would not stick by him. Take care of yourself. Easier said than done I know. As long as you struggle on his issues you will only be avoiding your own and hurting yourself.
Being in a relationship with a "sociopath" is like nothing ever experienced before. It's really enough to make you crazy.
Think of it in terms of a non-relationship. It's all one sided. Once they are done with you it's over, at leaste whatever you believed existed.
They are masters of manipulation, lying, and completely self serving.
I struggle accepting this concept.
I too wish there were answers but sometimes it is what it is.
Just my opinion.
Good luck to you.

Well thanks, cotton ball. I suppose we all skin animals in our backyards & make everyone's lives a living hell because we have nothing better to do?

Little voice, "Do you think he is a sociopath?"
Some of the people who have the strongest emotions are the ones who try harder to suppress them... Your boyfriend has probably had some kind of trauma in his childhood or later on that causes him to disconnect. He doesn't appear to be sociopathic, from what I can tell. They usually have a little bit more going on than just emotional disconnect or depression.

"Is it really true that he will never change?"
If he has a personality disorder of any kind, it's highly likely, but there are ways of dealing with it.

"Will he never be able to settle down with someone?"
That's a mixed bag. Some of us are more impulsive than others, more malicious than others, less content than others... My impulsivity wavers, I'm not really that malicious unless provoked, & I tend to waver in contentment. All of those factors, along with finding the right person, contribute to the ability to settle down. I'm doing fairly well at being a good girlfriend, but it's a co-dependent deal in some ways, so I guess it's still kind of self serving.

"Are people ever happy that are this way?"
It depends on the severity. But usually if someone can get their own way, happiness is achieved!

"Should I continue to stick by him?"
Maybe, maybe not. It seems like he treats you well enough & feels kind of helpless about the whole situation... It's highly unlikely that he has anyone else to discuss these things with. You may as well continue to support him as long as it doesn't negatively impact you. But if it comes down to your happiness VS his? Go your own way. He'll find his.