[VoodooChild94]

Before I start this, I’m going to say that I don’t expect a diagnosis…because really, how can one ‘diagnose’ another through the internet? I could by lying for all anyone knows.

In any case, I’m not lying (which is quite the feat for me) and I am in all seriousness, searching for an answer. Well, maybe not so much an answer but similarity, and a second opinion I guess you could say. After living a life on the sidelines, not really knowing what is wrong, I’ve become so frustrated with my situation that I have begun to blame it on all sorts of things. Depression? No, I’m not sad. Anxiety? Possibly….I did have a few panic attacks before…Asperger’s? Maybe. And then I found socio/psychopathy. Bingo. In so far as I can tell, the symptoms fit me to a tee…well with a few confusions or well, possible misconceptions on my part?

Anyhow, so here’s the deal; I’m going to exploit myself and give you my oh so ‘interesting’ story and you, whoever you are that decide to read through this 'novel', will tell me whatever it is you think/feel/etc about it.

My story:

Let’s start off with the basics because I feel it could be helpful in the long run. I am a nineteen year old female who grew up in a relatively ‘normal’ family; missing dad (ADHD and possible sociopath/narcissist), loving hypochondriac mother, asshole narcissist little brother and drama queen older sister. So, where do I fit in here? I’m the middle child; the odd one out, the one that never quite ‘fit in’. So, despite the **** my father pulled when I was too young to remember (alcoholic and druggie, physically and mentally abusive, coming and going), growing up was rather ordinary….well as ordinary as my life could get.

As a child I was shy, distant, un-trusting, a bit paranoid, and angry among other things. I don’t remember this at all, but I’m often told I used to scream A LOT for absolutely no reason. Yes, children are loud and scream/cry when their upset but with me, I literally used to stand in hall and for no reason, scream at the top of my lungs (I actually got the cops called my mother before for scaring the **** out of the neighbors since they thought I was being beaten by her). I would purposely (as my mother says), scream when I didn’t get what I wanted (such as when I was forced to leave a store because apparently I loved shopping? Or to go into a restaurant/etc. I think it was more because I didn’t like to be told to do something…even now I don’t and will completely refuse to do something unless I’m asked, not told and even then, will only do it when I decide I want to). Honestly couldn’t tell you why I did this most of the time and don’t really remember it so I can only go off of things my mother and siblings say they remember. However, I can tell you that it annoyed my sister to the point of trying to kill me....several different times. I do remember however, that since I was little I have always had a rather explosive temper, even violently so. I punched a kid in elementary (below 4th grade), broke my brother’s tooth and finger (on separate occasions), broke several antiques that were around the house, would carve into/write on the walls/furniture out of anger, would throw physical temper tantrums which consisted of screaming/crying, hitting, throwing things/etc.

I am what you could describe as a pathological liar. I’ve been this way practically since I could speak; anything and everything I could lie about, I would, even if the person saw me do it; I’d lie straight to their face. From small things such as destroying my sister’s toys or clothing out of anger, to bigger things such as stealing something from my ‘best friend’. I have no idea why I did this and why I still do as it’s become habitual. Even when I want to tell the truth more often then not, I’ll pull a, “No”. Few second go by and think about the actual answer, “Yes.” It’s almost automatic, no matter what the question is; whither I did something wrong or someone's simply asking if I know where something is or asking if I like something. I don’t even purposely decide most of the time that I’m going to lie, it just happens without much thought and depending on if the lie is detrimental to something or I have no purpose in lying, I’ll turn the answer around and tell the truth or let it go, even if they'll find out I lied moments later.

The lying is especially true when I know I’m guilty of something; I will literally do anything to get out of an accusation. I will lie, put the blame on someone else, hide/destroy the evidence, plant the evidence on someone else, make it look as if it was accidental, cry in order to get sympathy and sway the person’s accusation or just cry/lie for pity when I know there’s no way out other than to make the other person feel bad for me instead and then the table is turned and I’m no longer in trouble, but instead soaking up their attention so I can just deceive them again.

As a child I used to kill bugs and insects/destroy and plants that I’d find around the house….actually I had a really bad habit of destroying anything I got my hands on. Anyway, about the bug killing thing; I never for once thought I was doing any real harm….I mean they're bugs after all, so who cares right? At least that’s what I thought. I also found it interesting to watch spiders spin their victims up and eat them (it was kind of a hobby of mine since we had so many of them in the backyard).

When playing with actual toys however, I more often than not had the toys get hurt. I’d like to have my toys fall from great distances, pretending they splattered to their death. I was always doing something to get into trouble and being adventurous and getting hurt; I constantly had bruised legs from falling because I was being stupid, etc. Mind you, alone these aren’t so odd (and they aren’t the only things I liked to do as a child)…but all together, now that I think about it, it’s a little morbid, isn’t it? Then again, children as a whole are a little morbid. Along with this however, I’ve always found death fascinating. You know that whole deal where kids find a corpse in a swamp and poke at it with sticks? Yeah, that was me. Anything I found dead; birds, bugs, butterflies, rabbits and even my own dead pets fascinated me; guinea pigs/hampsters, birds, etc.

This next part goes in with the last; remorse and grief. I’m not sure if I’ve ever truly felt any of those; I know I’ve cried for pets after they died but it was forced crying and really, I only felt bad because I wanted to watch it happen and because of the fact that they were no longer mine; I lost ownership and control, they were gone…it was more possessive and jealousy/frustration because I couldn’t be there when it happened and for some, couldn’t see them after the fact. This is just down right sick and I recognize that. I want to believe I felt bad for them and I think for a time there, I made myself believe I did but really, it was all selfish and forced…either because of the above reasons or because I wanted others to feel sorry for me that I had lost a pet. Infact, I’d boast about the fact that I did, right after and had an incredibly hard time doing it without smiling or laughing…I’ve always been terrible at showing regret and grief, how can I do this without smiling at the thought of other’s reactions to it? Seriously, this troubles me; I smile when bad things happen to people and I know I’m supposed to look sad or sympathetic..but I just CAN’T. It’s resulted in a lot of awkward situations;

Person 1: “You think this is funny?”

Me: *Smiling, as I glance down at the picture of my dead pet I was showing off to person 1* “….No” *laughs hysterically…pauses *sad face* “…Sorry I just….*Eyes water* “I really don’t!” *here comes the water works* “Why do you think I’d find this funny?! I just don’t know how to handle it!”

Person 1: “It’s ok, it’s ok y-“

Me: *Cuts them off* “No, it’s not ok, ok?” *cries some more but inside, I’m getting a rush out of it and laughing hysterically still* “I don’t know why I was laughing….I’m sorry, I’m a terrible person. I just…I dunno…I dunno. He’s gone, ok? He’s gone and I miss him….I didn’t want to cry in front of you so I laughed, I really don’t think any *voice cracks, wipes my tears, sniffles* “I’m sorry, I don’t want to trouble you with my own drama. Just ignore all that. I’ll be fine. *Walks away, wiping the rest of my tears*

Person 1: D’: *Feels bad for me for the rest of the week and buys me things and give my sympathy to help console me*

Me: *internally smirks, allowing them to go along with it without feeling bad. All ‘feelings’ toward the pet are gone…sure I might miss them but I’m not sad, at all, I’m just focused on the fact that I like people feeling for me, and greedily take their offered condolences. I even brag about how my pet died to even more others to get more out of it, and use it as an excuse not to do things and to get me out of sticky situations.

This right here, makes me a terrible person. I recognize it, and mind you, the whole guinea pig/dog thing happened when I was younger (well…round Sophmore age….). I now realize this is wrong, I still do it to an extent but I don’t pride myself on it, it’s just an instinctual reaction. I really REALLY like bragging about having experienced terrible things in life just to get a reaction out of people and to one up their own stories; because mine is obviously more horrible and needs more attention and I could give a **** less about theirs, even though they were raped as a child and witnessed the murder of their mother…. Actually, I tend to walk away from those people, because it becomes tiring to keep up with their emotional ******** and also to keep tabs on what my own false story is. Once the novelty of my little made-up story wears off and I tire of their sympathy, I’m gone. Just like that; they never existed.

I have done this several times in the past, as well as walking away from friendships which at the time, I believed were genuine, but simply because they did ONE little thing that I didn’t like; that I didn’t have control over, I left. One person in particular, I was very VERY close friends with them and I say that term loosely because I know my definition of friend is completely backwards. Friend: Someone whom I can mooch off of, have stimulating conversations with, someone who I can have control over and manipulate, someone who provides some sort of stimulant and even comfort. Someone whom I feel at ease around and I can ‘confide’ in them, the things I want. Etc.
Now, that being said, I do have ONE friend who I will NOT EVER cross and whom I believe will affect me more if they somehow just died randomly. I do believe I could be genuinely sad for them because I know I care for them, not just value their relationship like others. Yes, some tendencies come out and I see ways I can use and manipulate them but I have made myself boundaries and have decided that this one is not expendable like the others. This, however, has taken many years to establish (after they stuck through my ******** bullying and just ******** in general).

Anyhow, onto this other friend. I truly believed I cared about them….but in the end when I saw an opportunity after they did something to me I didn’t like (VERY minor in comparison), I stole from them, used them for alcohol and a place to go to get away from family at times, made up ******** lies about what my family was doing to me, made them feel bad for me because I knew they were emotionally weak, prayed upon whatever opportunities they had to offer, emotionally drained them, demeaned them, and completely destroyed their reputation at school. It felt good at the time; it really did because I knew I was completely at fault but they got all the blame. Everyone we both knew back then, hates her now to this day because of this. I didn’t feel bad at all about this at the time, as I just stated I got a rush out of it. Now though, realizing I completely destroyed this person’s reputation, tore their friends away from them and took them for myself, stole things that were valuable to them, etc, I know I did something really REALLY wrong. I want to say I feel bad for it, I really do, I even apologized for it…but the thing is, I don’t, I don’t actually care at all and even thinking back on it makes me laugh at a little; mainly at how idiotically manipulative everyone was and how EASY it was to completely and utterly ruin someone like this. Anyway, so I convinced myself this was all her fault and I moved on; she on the other hand, dropped out of school, became a druggie, got pregnant and gained a bunch of weight.

This is already incredibly long and since I believe I’ve hit more of the major points, I’ll leave out some of the minor stuff and try to sum this up the best I can.

So, basically around 8th grade was when I really started noticing something wasn’t quite right. I mean, I always knew I was different in some ways…maybe more than I realize now but when going into high school was when things really started clicking for me, even if just a bit. I actually though, confused this with depression at the time; went through ‘emotional bouts’ which really, now that I delve into in and really pay attention, was all just frustration and I’ll go more into that in a bit. So anyway, I began to notice how much on the outside I truly was; I was always a little socially awkward but I chalked that all up to being shy and whatnot. But really, I just didn’t and in some respects, don’t know how to act in certain situations. I’ve always been awkward when people bring their emotions to me because I really don’t know what to do with them; I don’t know how to console people, I don’t have any natural anything that tells me what to do. Some people seem to so easily be able to know how to react to this and I just feel a little stupid because of it.

It’s not only that it makes me feel stupid though, I feel awkward, uncomfortable, and annoyed. I put on a false pouty face and hug them or put a hand on their shoulder when really…I just want to run away or sap them around a bit and say “toughen up you *****!”. Ugh, I hate dramatic and ‘bubbly’ people; I just don’t get it, how in the world are they constantly annoyingly happy about everything, and dramatic people crying when see a dead animal on the side of the road? It’s dead; get over it…I’d sooner inspect it than cry over it. I believe I have a fairly well-adjusted and adapted sense of morality and most of the time I act according to social standards; You know, acting sorry for homeless people instead of voicing how pathetic I really think they are because they couldn’t get off their asses and do something about their situation instead of begging for other’s hard earned money. Why should I give anything of mine that I EARNED to someone holding a sign on the street that’s just as capable of walking into a Mc Donald’s and grabbing a job application as the next guy. I mean really, their the idiots that caused their homelessness in the first place; why should anyone else feel obligated to clean up their mess? It’s not anyone else’s problem but theirs. Of course, I say this but when I see that little old homeless guy on the street I still think, “Aww poor guy”, as an automatic response to the site because I trained myself to think this and keep my true thoughts locked up. I hate being criticized for my ‘cold thoughts’. I mean really, it makes sense after all; if one can get themselves into such a ****ed up position, they can figure out how to get out of it.

Anyhow, so after years of being scolded for my ‘cold thoughts’ and for being ‘hearless’, I’ve learned when to shut up around people so I can avoid the cacophony of “oh my god, how could you think that way?” or, “You’re heartless, you know?”. I have a moral compass based upon what I’ve learned from others (which is really convoluted really, I mean everyone has their own views on things, especially those that think emotionally…I don’t know what is really ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ anymore…they’re all hypocrites but so am I, I guess). So, even though sometimes I would really like to, I don’t shove everyone out of my way when they’re walking too slow, or steal everything I can from the store because I know I can get away with it; I’ll think about it, I mean I’ll REALLY think about it, but I tell myself it’s wrong, and I don’t do it.

So…you can probably see now why I’ve come to this conclusion. However, there are a few things I think might be a bit contradictory to my believes. What can sociopaths actually feel? Myself, I do feel frustration, anger, fear (only sometimes), anxiety and paranoia…..possibly sadness (I’m not actually sure about that one)?

To better explain the conflictions with emotions:

Normally I feel well nothing really…just boredom; I am constantly bored. And not just “oh I’m bored, I’ll go play a game”, but maddeningly BORED. BORED. BORED.

When I feel anything other than boredom it’s more often than not, frustration. Though, it’s not just becoming a little mad over the fact that you can’t accomplish like being unable to beat a level in a game. No, it’s much MUCH more than that. It’s angering, enraging even…it’s like an adrenaline rush, accompanied by sudden rage beyond belief, something like maybe sadness? I’m not sure, but it’s underlined in there and terrible…it feels like there’s something in my stomach trying to literally crawl it’s way out and like I have something caught in my throat…during these moments I want to scream, to bash my head into the wall, anything to get rid of it, sometimes I cry out of frustration because I don’t know what’s going on, I feel like I’m going insane…it’s almost like a panic attack in intensity but I don’t feel like I’m dying; more like I want to scream and laugh hysterically at the same time. I feel terrible and great at the same time and I want to destroy something. I have no idea how to really explain this, but it’s the most intense feeling I have ever had. However, if I want to, I can prolonged it easily and also shut it completely off if it’s not gone overboard already. Then, when it’s gone. It’s gone and I feel nothing again; just normal and after a momentary freak out, I’m back to doing what it was I was doing beforehand without another thought.

What is this, do you think? It’s quite startling and unnerving but also a rush as well.

So, there’s that emotion or whatever it is, then there’s fear…which is usually only purposely instigated when watching a horror movie or something…I actually like the feeling to an extent but then again I loathe it because I’m not in control when it happens. When I do feel fear however, it’s usually pretty intense if not a minor jump and skip of the heartbeat; if intense it’s accompanied by frustration, anxiety and paranoia if not, it’s gone in a matter of seconds.

I can force myself to cry if I want, through practice and sometimes it’s just habitual to do and even, I tend to connect it to feeling real sadness for someone or something. Basically, I force the physical symptoms like the tightening of the chest and the feel of something in the throat and force it further and further until the feeling of frustration comes on and that’s when the tears are accessible and that’s when I can find the really terrible part of frustration that naturally brings tears for me, and I can draw on it and literally and forcefully yank it out until I’m feeling something a little more than frustration, a little deeper but not as intense as my fits of angry frustration…Is this what sadness feels like? I’m not sure but I associate it with sadness. I mean, is it even possible for a sociopath to force train themselves to actually feel an emotion? I mean, granted this took a while to master and only comes when forced but even still….

I find it incredibly hard to speak to anyone anymore; I am alone in my thoughts and perception of the world. Others have been so sculpted by society and the way they believe human kind should be; they are all the same, their opinions differing from person to person but still the same in their ideas. What I mean by that is, no matter how unique one believes their ideas and opinions to be, there is always a cluster that follow the same exact pattern. I feel as though I am sitting on the edge and watching life; close enough to see clearly but not to touch. I am an insider who feels completely and utterly as an outsider. I would much rather be an outsider pretending to an insider; it’s one thing to know you are not the same species but play their game but to be the same species and unable to play along? I have felt, since I was young, that I have been here for much much longer than I know I have. I do not mean that I believe I have lived before, but the world is already tiring, it’s people un-interesting, it’s experiences it offers, bland. It’s torture.

That, right there, sitting above this is what is so, so so FRUSTRATING about this. I don't want to live as an outsider among my own species!

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

i'll admit, and i'm sorry for it, but i couldn't finish. As far as I got down, it seems to me (not being a professional or anything, just what makes sense to me) that all of your issues stem from childhood trauma. I would hazard a guess that whatever happened to you that you have blocked from your memory needs to be dealt with in a healthier manner. I have always believed you are not a bad person until you decide to be a bad person. This means, to me, that if you truly want to not be a bad person, than it is up to you to be the good person you want to be. You set your own standards. You can always get help from certain people, but they can't do it for you. I don't think it's always necessary or even smart at points in our lives to label ourselves. When you recognize there is a problem, and you see where it's coming from, even without that label, that gives you a solid starting point to work on. This is how i personally would approach it.

[IndieVisible]

sociopaths have no moral compass and are unable to feel how another person feels. Much like narcs they think the world revolves around them. That said, most sociopaths don't seek help and could care less what they are, some are actually proud of being stone cold.

[blackwhitered]

Yeah, I couldn't finish either (schizophrenia=short attention span for me), but 90% of the time, if someone calls themself a "sicko" or is concerned they might be an antisocial personality, they aren't. Especially if you realize something is wrong, because a hallmark of APD is no regrets.

Granted, there are people who seek out an APD diagnosis, but I'd bet they're really histrionics or narcissists. Most people get APD diagnoses from getting in trouble with the law and whatnot.

Why is it that all of these topics consistently involve asking if they are "a(n) antisocial/sociopath/psychopath/sicko/asshole", meanwhile also making sure to mention that they aren't looking for a diagnosis AND proceeding to tell us their entire lifestory? Contradictory & altogether boring.

[Mattmx]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Why is it that all of these topics consistently involve asking if they are "a(n) antisocial/sociopath/psychopath/sicko/asshole", meanwhile also making sure to mention that they aren't looking for a diagnosis AND proceeding to tell us their entire lifestory? Contradictory & altogether boring.

A lot of people seem to be curious about who they are and naturally they turn to the internet for answers. I honestly started here before I went to a pdoc for my diagnosis and stuff.

@Original poster: I didn't manage to get through all of your post because honestly the title really put me off. You shouldn't call someone a sicko then ask them for advice..

I understand that much, mattmx, & am not exactly in the position to rain on anyone's parade. It's just amusing how identical 99% of these sort of posts tend to be. That was what I was commenting on -- an observation.

I just don't see why someone would label themselves a sicko over something that is [seemingly] normal to them. Or why you would recognize that no one can diagnose you, yet post a validation-seeking saga full of one's exploits. It confounds me.

[Mattmx]

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

I understand that much, mattmx, & am not exactly in the position to rain on anyone's parade. It's just amusing how identical 99% of these sort of posts tend to be. That was what I was commenting on -- an observation.

I just don't see why someone would label themselves a sicko over something that is [seemingly] normal to them. Or why you would recognize that no one can diagnose you, yet post a validation-seeking saga full of one's exploits. It confounds me.

Yeah, to me if someone has a negative connotation about a sociopaths traits they probably aren't one

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

Unfortunately, anything other than what someone perceives as normal tends to be sick, crazy, odd, etc. That goes for the world. I can't fathom some cultures, as those cultures i'm sure feel the same about my way of life. It's really distressing that although the human brain is so powerful, there are some things that are seemingly as difficult as lifting a ton, when in retrospect it should have been easy to overcome. That simple ability to step back and look at the larger picture from an outside perception is really incredibly difficult. Something I think that gets lost on sites like this because of the overwhelming self doubt and worries that bring newcomers here.

The original post is pretty old. I did, however, read it. I'm not sure what is wrong/what your diagnosis is, but something seems off to me. You sound sadistic. You also sound like you are aware of your odd thoughts and feelings. I hope you discuss yourself with a therapist before something major happens.

[RRex]

Sociopath at the very least.

[Rubytuesday81]

Get over yourself

[Gremlin1974]

wow iam pretty saddened by the response to this story. this person is obviously soul searching, is being as honest as possible in her condition and you guys offer nothing but abuse. she is emotionally underdeveloped, not a monster.my friend is a sociopath and it is the reason iam on this site. I will never give up on her and believe in her.so no you are not a sicko but you are different, not better, not worse. all the best and ignore my fellow 'normals'.

[Gremlin1974]

You do sound sociopathic. I thnk some of your boredom comes from your limited emotional range. I believe your story and I feel for you. I have a friend who is the same, yes I realize the way she feels, but I love her all the same.i hope you find what you are looking for and dnt pay ant attention to all the negative reponce you have gotten. it's says alot about a society when the 'sane' attack the 'insane'. keep soul searching and no your not a sicko, sociopathic yes, sicko no.