My last chance

Hi I have basically ran out of ideas of what to do and ended up on these forums. I am 27 and very troubled and have led a bad life, ok lets just jump in.

I started getting in trouble at a very early age, I had an unusual aggression about me I was always starting fights and I have been fighting all my life. I've pretty much always been in trouble with the police I think the first time I started getting arrested I was 10 years old , setting fires and smashing school windows and ive been arrested around 8 times for violent and assault crimes I have even been to prison because of this I literally used to just go out and find fights. my parents split up when I was around 10 -11 years old and I was constantly shifting between the 2 but ended up living with my mum and at the time her very abusive boyfriend , he used to beat her up , used to throw me about and give me constant threats of abuse to the point where I was scared to go home so I resorted to being out all the time and eventually became a drug dealer. I have had many jobs but never lasted long in any of them I either had really bad anxiety that kept me away or i'd leave early without being able to tell anybody or just angry all the time and snapping at people. I have suffered for really bad anxiety for most of my life since I was at school anyway but unfortunately I never knew was anxiety was I just always thought it was just a weird sick feeling and a force that I couldnt explain. I used to avoid school alot and bunked off nearly every day in the last 2 years of high school. I have lost a lot of good friends just because of the way I am , I really cant help it for some reason I was always putting them down for no reason or having indrect ways at hurting them I even ended up sleeping with my best mates longtime girlfriend a few times which lost me his friendship for ever. if anything bad happens its always somebodys fault or I try to rationalize everything that my life is the way it is because of other people I have pretty much always been a liar and a manipulator doing or saying what ever I need to to further my own agenda. I literally have no value for family I can go months or years without speaking to a family member and it doesnt bother me I literally have no feelings on the matter. The violence about me is what is worrying me because ever since a young boy ive had millions of fantasies about what it would be like to kill somebody and I know its only a matter when not if. I went through a bad stage of depression where I tried to commit suicide , ive butchered both my wrists , ive had multiple overdoses even in 1 desperate attempt i took a bunch of pills to knock me out and strapped a bag to my head but just always end up waking up. I spent time on a psych ward but was never honest with them just told them what they wanted to hear to get myself out so id have the freedom to end myself if I chose to. They have me on all sorts of meds now and the depression has faded and the anxiety is lowered but now im just void of emotion . I have a beautiful child but rarely see him because I didnt want him to see my while I was depressed , but now I just avoid him and my ex who wants to get back with me like they had the plague . I know I should love them both but I genuinely cant feel anything for them I have to fake a smile and i'm soo releaved when they leave and Even I know thats messed up. I no longer feel depressed but I could happily shoot myself in the head if I got access to a gun its very strange , now I roam the streets picking fights most of the time ones that I know i'll lose just in the hope of actually feeling something, im even getting wound up now because I feel like this whole thread has been wrote by a blind person im just usless at everything . I was told I had clinical depression but I know its much more than that and genuinly would like it to be gone but i've been like this my whole life its who I am and i'm destined to go down a dark road to be honest I dont even know why ive wrote this

Hello Ithinkimbroken: I'm so sorry your life is so difficult. I would have to say that, although I am an older person, there are several ways in which what you wrote sounds familiar. Hopefully, coming here to PC can be the beginning of better things in your life. You concluded your post by saying you don't even know why you wrote this. Perhaps it is because, somewhere within, you still hope that healing is possible.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Thank you for your reply , I have been sat here all dAy waiting and hoping somebody would reply maybe someone who feels the same , I know i'm broken and don't think it can be fixed im just hoping there is some sort of coping methods and rituals I could learn to help me cover it all up , once again thank you

Why is it a matter of when and not if? Killing somebody is a choice. You can simply choose not to. It's worked fantastically well for me, I've never killed anyone.

I know you said you were depressed, but was there any other reason(s) that you tried taking your own life?

Void of emotion? What emotions are you void of?

Do you love your child? I'm asking that because this is the ASPD forum, I don't mean that question as any sort of insult.

If you're no longer depressed then why do you want to kill yourself?

Why do you want to feel something? Have a specific feeling in mind?

Why are you so convinced that you're going down a "dark road"?

If you think you can't control your violent behavior either towards yourself or other people, you need to admit yourself to a psychiatric ward.

I really dont have answers its just like there is nothing going on inside i can feel anger and rage but thats about it , thats not all the time but im quick to jump to it , its even like when I read your questions, Its like I get a overwhelming sense of dumbness its like I cant think of an answer which in return makes me want to put my head through my laptop screen . And the bit about my son I know I love him but its hard to be around to him , but its not just him i can't be around anybody.When im with people I get really irritated and feel uncomfortable and it starts hurting my head when they talk to me, I guess i've just grown to prefer being alone. I always avoid the people closest to me who have done soo much for me , its messed up I dont even know whats wrong with me or whats going on . And ive told the police and hospitals many times i'm feeling dangerous and im likely to hurt somebody and there words was they can't do anything until i've actually committed the crime , but once ive been out and hurt somebody the last thing im going to do is confess to it , I may be a bit unhinged but im now smart enough to cover my tracks and keep me out of police custody after so many years of being arrested, I don't want to be like this . I see everyone around me having there nice family lifes, working , going out on weekends with friends and I know I could have these im not physically disabled but something inside me just forces me to push everyone anyway I really dont get it there must be something wrong with me and some sort of treatment

Whoa, that's pretty extreme.


What's wrong with preferring to be alone?

It sounds like for whatever reason you have a hard time accepting other people's love and/or generosity towards you(hence the pushing people away you described). Have you considered therapy?

Hey friend. I read your post and it really hurt but is also sort of relieving to know there are other people out there who go through crap. First off I want you to know your not alone. Coming here was a good idea bc people will talk to u and u will talk to them. It lets out everything in a healthy way.
Now I want you to know there are people who care about you. THEY WILL MISS YOU IF U DIE. For instance your kid? He is yours. Isnt that something to live for?
And lastly if u cant live for anybody live for YOU because you are worth it
Although you may not be a Christian I want you to know that God loves you no matter what.

SO STAY STRONG MY FRIEND

your welcome And i hope you begin to feel better

Reading your post makes me realize something about myself , I am uncomfortable with people caring about me I always have been Ive always known it but I didn't know exactly how to connect to it till now thanks for the epiphany, I'm thinking It's possible you may be somewhere in that neighborhood too . I hope you continue to keep fighting to understand the part of you that rages , there is a lot of information on psych and it does take time to get through it but talking to people here and educating yourself is a step in the right direction

I wonder if you don't have complex ptsd. I hear this a lot from the kids I worked with.

When your body is constantly telling you your in danger, it prevents you from forming attachments. Focusing only on survival. When your living in this state you have to find ways to expend the energy.
Hence the fights and the trouble.
This is more common than you think in kids who experience several traumatic events in a short amount of time where they have no control.

As the name suggests it's complicated and there is no quick fix, but it can be managed and over time you might even be able to be there for your boy.
But one thing at a time, first you need to trust someone enough to find help.

All the best,

I was diagnosed as antisocial in my early twenties, there are a couple of things that may help. In my case I found an improvement after 25years and then when I turned around 40 I again had a big improvement. After 40 I as able to hold a job, buy a house etc. Remember that it will get better. Depression is often associated with this disorder and though treatment for being antisocial isn't very successful there are good treatments for depression. The most important thing is that you accept things aren't right, so now you can seek professional help. You are different from most people but that doesn't mean you are wrong or bad. People like us make the world interesting, imagine how dull the world would be without the "weird" people. Stay strong, seek help, and don't put yourself down, you are an important part of the rich tapestry of human life.

Hey I just want to say I admire your strength and determination and success. I do not have aspd but my fiancé does when I looked it up I was horrified at what I found so many articles based off of judgement calling you all monsters it seriously kills me that people who have the ability to experience empathy would Condemn you and call you monsters. You can't help who you are you have a psychological disorder. You deserve kindness and to be loved just like any other human