[Nonosoy]

Hello everyone, I'm a 25 year old man and I'm scared of what I could become ( or already am ? )

This is going to be long.
I'm terrified at what I've done when I was around 10 years old and later. I tried to find other cases like mine but couldn't find any and I'm desperate for answers and advices of people who lived the same thing.

I've been raised severely but with love. I read hundreds of books by the age of 8. My mother didn't allow me many things and my father was nearly never there because he had ( and still has ) a lot of work.
I've always been the shy type, the good, a bit overweighted kid. I've been rejected by other kids because I was "fat", but managed to make some friends. When I was 6, I had a dog whom I loved dearly and I never did any harm to it. But when my sister got a cat two years later, I remember that I terrorized the poor kitten ( not physically harming it, but I took pleasure in making him scared ). I stopped it without knowing why. When I was 8, our family moved at the other side of the country and I was heavily bullied at school, I felt alone and lots of boys insulted me, threw things at me. I complained to my mother but she wouldn't listen to me, telling me that it would calm down if I didn't retaliate. And I didn't. Not on them.
My mother often took my sister and I to see a friend of her who had children our age and a farm with lots of animals. I don't know how, why, what the hell was I thinking, but I was fascinated with the little chicks with their yellow fluffy feathers I wanted to cuddle them so bad but of course they were very scared of me. One day at that farm I was walking alone when I found a lost chick who was desperate to find his mother. He was running in circles and crying for help, I wanted to take him in my hands but he pecked at me, and I killed him with a heavy piece of wood lying there. Then, everytime I went there, I killed chicks with this same piece of wood, and people thought that predators got them. One day, my mother had an argument with her friend and we never got back there.
One day at school we found a lost baby bird and I got the duty from my teacher of taking it home with me to help. I fed him and gave him food, but still, I don't know what the hell I did that, I took pleasure in hurting it everyday. Until one day my mother told me that my dad had to put it out of its misery. I was very sad that the bird died, as if it wasn't my doing ( what the hell again ).
I then lived without any events of the sort, I even forgot about it until three years ago when it came back in my face out of nowhere and I fell into a severe depression.
I managed to escape from it through therapy and meds over 6 months but since then I regularely suffered from impulsion phobia ( phobia of losing control with intrusive thoughts of extreme violence ). I was in a toxic relationship for 4 years and a half with an abusive ex and I remember that one day we paid a visit to her best friend who had a puppy. I pet the puppy but at some point he bit me a little to play. I took pleasure at making him scared behind the back of everyone. It never happened again. I was fricking 22 at the time. I never hurt any of the three cats I had with my ex. In fact, when the first one died ( liver cancer, nothing we could've done ), I was devastated and I buried it in the garden while crying my heart out. I deeply cared for the two cats we had afterwards.
Two weeks ago I moved in my new flat and my girlfriend who I love tenderly stayed for a week. On the first night I woke up having an anxiety attack and I felt like I had no feelings for my girlfriend. I began to have all the symptoms of my first depression and decided to take the meds again, I'm going to see a psychiatrist on monday morning because I feel like I'm not normal. I'm scared of turning into a monster at some point in time because I have all the red flags.. Animal torture as a child, I very rarely lose my temper but when I'm really angry I barely control myself ( never harmed or wanted to harm anyone though ), I lie a lot in order to avoid trouble or responsabilities ( I swear on everything that I care that I didn't lie in this topic ). I have difficulties managing everyday's tasks such as cleaning, cooking etc..

I helped many people in the past with their problems, I'm a good listener and I think I'm a good friend, people tell me I'm very empathetic. I can't be a bad person right ? ... Right.. ? ...

I think that we only got one life, why did I got this.. I would gladly trade an arm if it would mean I would be sure of my sanity. Any constructive comment is appreciated. I'm lost and scared..

[Skeezyks]

Hello Nonosoy: Thank you for sharing your concerns here on PC. I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[sarahsweets]

Are you receiving any mental health treatment?

[Skeezyks]

Hello again. I hope you're still with us. I have to apologize for the brief welcome I left yesterday. I was pressed for time so that was about all I could manage. I did want to follow up though & so here I am.

You mentioned, toward the end of your post you'll be seeing a psychiatrist. And I think that is a good idea. One note though with regard to that. I see you list yourself as being in France. I don't know how mental health services work there. But here where I live, all psychiatrists do is to prescribe & monitor psych med's. Any and all discussion of mental health related concerns is left to mental health therapists. If, by some chance, that is similar to the way these sorts of things are handled where you live, I would like to encourage you to seek out a therapist, or perhaps a psychologist, with whom you can delve into all that is going on with you at-length & in-depth. Psych med's are fine. But they're only one part of mental health recovery, in my opinion. One also needs to dig down into the causes of what one is struggling with & figure out what to do about it. That's where therapy comes in.

Okay. So with that said, I'll tell you a couple of stories. (By the way... I'm an old man. So be forewarned.) I don't have much of anything in the way of memories of my life prior to around the age of 8. To some extent, it's like I was born 8 years old. But I do have a few fuzzy inklings of specific things that occurred. One of these must have been when I was not much more than 3 or 4 years old... maybe less? I seem to recall being in a paved area behind a home I presume my parents rented. There was another child about my age there along with that child's mother & my mother. There was a baby bird struggling to walk around on the pavement. And I guess the other child had taken something (a stone or a brick?) and dropped it near, but not on, the baby bird. I, thereupon, picked up the stone or brick & dropped it directly on the bird crushing it. And I recall my mother running up & scolding me... telling me that we were supposed to be just playing. And then when I was around 6 or 7 years old, I would guesstimate, we were living in an apartment in a house that was owned by my grandmother. She had a cat. The yard was surrounded by a white wooden picket fence. The front gate closed with a spring. I, again vaguely, recall trying to shut the cat's tail in the hinged side of the gate.

By the time I was a teenager, we lived out in the country. Often I had little or nothing to do to pass the time. During the summer months, there was a variety of wasp that would burrow down into the dirt on the sunny side of the house. I somehow got the idea of squirting model airplane fuel into the holes, lighting it with a match, & watching as the wasp would come staggering out. Around the same time, we also had a dog (whom I dearly loved, by the way.) My parents had purchased some dog shampoo. The dog hated the smell of it (I guess) and I would chase the dog around the house with it & squirt it at the poor dog whenever I would catch up to it whereupon the dog would take off with me hot on her heels. However, perhaps only a couple years later, my father & I were outside & I had my BB gun. There was a small bird perched on an electrical wire some distance away. I aimed my BB gun at it & fired never imagining I'd actually hit it. But I did & it killed it. I cried.

I don't know what caused me to do all of these things. Obviously it all got started very early in my life. And I don't really know what the point is of sharing all of this with you either... other than to say that I know something of what you've experienced. I think if you were to take a poll, here on PC, you would find that most of the members consider me to be a kind & compassionate Psych Central member. By the same token I've written numerous times, here on PC, that I'm not the same person in real life I am here on PC. In my life I have been both abused &, sad to say, the abuser. I could easily have become an internet troll on the web. But I came to know a YouTuber who taught me, by example, how to be a good person on-line. It is to her I owe whatever good it may be that I do here on PC. Under any circumstances, though, I'm not a monster. (At least I don't think I am. (There may be those who would disagree.) And I sincerely doubt you are a monster either... or that you will likely ever become one. But you do clearly have some things that are of concern to you. And I think that facing them, & dealing with them "head-on", so to speak, is the way to ensure that you won't turn out to be the bad person you feel you may be or might become. Unfortunately, way back when I was young, there were no mental health services available. So those of us who were young back then simply grew up & did the best we could with whatever cards we were dealt. It doesn't have to be that way today. So I hope you take advantage of whatever mental health services are available. My best wishes to you...

[Open Eyes]

Hi Nonosoy, welcome to PC. First of all, it's important to remember that human beings, especially males are "hunter/gatherers" and so we do have that in our human nature. Also, a child doesn't have the understanding and sense of right and wrong as a more developed adult has either. Children also don't really quite understand "death" either or the value of life like a mature adult finally learns to understand.

I watched my older brother constantly bullied on the bus everyday, it was actually traumatic for me to witness every single day. When I talked about this with my therapist his reply was "children can be savages". Actually, this very fact is reflected in a book called "Lord of the Flies" where children were stranded on an island and engaged in things, bad things that would never be allowed in our adult world.

It's not unusual for a young boy to experiment with killing animals either, keep in mind there was and even is now plenty of men that like to hunt and take their young sons with them and the one big goal is "killing animals". So, there is that element within your nature that is normal.

Also, the fact that you were bullied and no one mentored you or stood up for you so you could learn how to fight back has probably left you with a certain sense of vulnerability. Everyone wants to feel safe and find a way to be in "control". We all go through many challenges in our childhoods and in our teens. It's difficult in that that is also when many young piers are still very narcissistic and selfish. So, it's a challenge to get through all these years, especially when a father is always busy working and doesn't spend time with you teaching you about things and being a man and how to slowly develop a sense of control in your life.

The fact that now that you are 25 and thinking about your past and evaluating it, it's important to understand that you are actually at the age where your brain is finally fully developed and has more capacity to look at life in a very different way. This is contributing to how you look back and think "wow that was a bad thing I did", just remember that you are looking back on your own history when you really did not have the overall maturity that you have now. Being age 25 doesn't mean you are actually all grow up either, truth is all it really means is your brain has fully developed and you will be learning more and growing more and will also be growing and changing as a person as well. We do remember things from our childhoods, bit and pieces here and there and sometimes we recall "feeling unsafe" too, that is actually normal and it's important to remember how you were in fact just a child with very little life experience and overall understanding on so many levels, no where near where you are now and will keep growing and gaining on as you live out your life.

[Open Eyes]

I helped many people in the past with their problems, I'm a good listener and I think I'm a good friend, people tell me I'm very empathetic. I can't be a bad person right ? ... Right.. ? ...

I think that we only got one life, why did I got this.. I would gladly trade an arm if it would mean I would be sure of my sanity. Any constructive comment is appreciated. I'm lost and scared..

(((Nonosoy))), you are not a bad person, you are a hurt person because you were bullied a lot and your mother told you to ignore it and it would stop, but that is no help to a child when it comes to their feeling bad about being picked on. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxiety and then feeling that you had no feelings for your new girlfriend is more about your feeling "safe" to have feelings for her. This is coming from that overweight child in you that was picked on by other children that were not able to think about your feelings in an adult way, but instead were experimenting with what they could do to gain a sense of power. Actually, that is the same kind of mentality that would kill a small animal where it's about doing something that has to do with "power and control". Young children don't really understand how to see outside their own little world. This is simply the way children are developmentally and even baby animals are the same way, they peck and bite because it's simply the way they are exploring the world around them. A little puppy bites because they tend to explore with their mouths and they are also cutting teeth and that can be both painful and itchy, that is why puppies chew a lot, also why young children chew too when their teeth are coming in and we give them these "safe" things that are often kept in a cold place where the child can safely chew on them to ease the discomfort of their teeth coming out little by little, they call these teething rings.

The fact that you experienced an abusive relationship is reflecting that you still struggled with understanding relationships and others and the girl you were with was exhibiting her own history and lacks that she chose to take out on you. So, you mentioned that was for four and a half years. Well, you were only 17 and a half when you began that relationship, that is still very young and naive. That girl was still trying to figure out her sense of self worth and was punishing you when she struggled with that. At the age you started that relationship, there is still a lot of narcissism in this age group. At that age hormones are very strong and nature tends to push a desire to mate, that is what nature is all about, reproduction and the body is in high gear chemically looking for a match to mate with in order to produce healthy offspring. This is something that is one of the biggest driving forces in nature, even human nature.

You say you read a lot of books by age 8? It's good to like to read because it provides the mind with lots of information to help with problem solving skills. However, it would help you if you spent time reading about human development as this can help you better understand yourself and some of the challenges you faced that are still unresolved in you and can present to you in your sleep in a way that wakes you up where you feel so anxious and confused. You don't have to give your right arm to be normal, actually given your history a lot of how you feel and navigate is a normal reaction to being bullied and not really knowing how to respond to that and how it made you "feel".

I believe that you CAN listen and empathize, after all you know how it feels to hurt and feel insecure. Unfortunately, males tend to be raised wrong where they are often told that "men are not supposed to feel and experience emotional challenges", that is totally wrong. Our emotions are very much a part of us, we need to learn what these emotions mean, once we are helped to understand that we can get better at understanding them instead of thinking these feelings can't be felt and worked through.

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central! I think the important thing to do at this point is to deal with all the anger from your childhood. I think you hurt animals because you were being hurt.

I am wondering if you are still seeing a therapist. The fact that you haven't hurt critters as an adult leads me to think that you have no reason to worry. Just learn and use good ways to express your anger. Okay?

[Nonosoy]

Hello everyone,

First of all, thank you a lot for your answers. I never thought I'd receive such attention, especially with such a touchy subject. I'm indeed from France, maybe that's why some of my sentences are strangely formulated ! I posted on this forum because I'm desperate for answers and I want to understand myself.

I saw a psychiatrist this morning and I told him about the depression, the sense of doom and the insomnia, the running thoughts, but I haven't talked about the animal killing part yet.. At some point I told him I was afraid of being a sociopath and he laughed, which is a good sign I guess. He wrote a lot, and I kept talking about how I fear I might be different and not made to live, that my whole perception of reality might be wrong, and I bursted into tears. I didn't even noticed it, I was talking and then a urge to cry came and I couldn't do anything about it. It felt as if I could have cried for hours. I'm seeing him next monday at 10:30 AM, he told me to take Zoloft 50mg in the morning and at night. I think the worst thing about my situation now is that I feel numb and lost interest in everything. I have a life to live, a job to do, a girlfriend and family to take care of and this lands on me.. I guess it never is the time when it comes to this kind of terrible thing.

I'll keep you in touch on how it is going on, writing it down makes me feel a bit better, even if it's temporary.
Lots of love to you all

[Open Eyes]

(((Nonosay)))), glad to know that you got to see a psychiatrist this morning. I honestly know the kind of cry you described doing and how it just came out like that. I experienced that myself. What it really means is it's really time for you to finally ask for help like you did, that you simply can't bottle this all up in you anymore.

I don't believe you are a bad person, a person who is a psychopath or sociopath doesn't have the capacity to regret and feel guilt like you are feeling. The truth is, these individuals don't feel remorse, they don't have the capacity to empathize either. The psychiatrist laughed because a true sociopath would never present to him with the kind of feelings and challenges you shared having with him. Actually, he should not have laughed, but instead he should have explained that to you, if not for any other reason than to give you a much needed sense of relief.

It's important to keep in mind that "most" psychiatrists are simply trained to look at symptoms a person presents and match them to a diagnosis they believe best suits that and then prescribe medication that can help with some of the symptoms the patient is struggling with. Psychologists and therapists are the one that are supposed to have the training to help people understand these challenges and help them understand why and then help them to slowly learn to understand their challenges and how to better help themselves and heal and grow as a person.

You have been a victim of bullying, you were shamed and treated badly by other children who did not know what they were doing, that what they were doing was wrong and hurtful. Inside you is a person who doesn't want to be that way, and you actually fear becoming that way. (A psychopath or sociopath doesn't experience that, they simply don't care and that part of their brain is actually underdeveloped where they don't experience what you have shared). Also, the fact that you are now horrified because you killed animals proves that you have the capacity to care and feel guilt and genuine concern. You have a desire to connect with others and even help them, sociopaths only look for what they can take for themselves and they just don't love either.

[winter loneliness]

Lots of people have sociopathic traits. That is normal. Now is the time to decide who you will become.

[Calla lily12]

I understand. I did the same with frogs. Could you please use trigger icon? Thanks

[Saddyy]

Killing animals definitely is anti-social behavior, but doesn't inherently mean you have ASPD. If you're wondering if you have ASPD or not you should definitely take this up with a therapist. There's also always a possibility of having an attachment disorder, such as reactive attachment disorder (RAD). It's actually common to find children with attachment disorders having had tortured, mutilated, or killed animals. Children are naturally reactive, when they're being hurt, they adopt maladaptive coping skills and mechanisms to survive the environment. They also act out by imitating same harmful behaviors they're subjected or have witnessed others going through.

Stay safe, OP. Remember that you're not a bad person, you're someone who has just done things you're not proud of. The point is we grow from our mistakes and move on as stronger people.