Asking for advice

Let me start off by saying I have no intentions of hurting anyone for the most part. I believe that the world would be a much better place if some people died off. From some things that I have done I think I fall under my own category, I have abused animals in several ways as a child and I still remember feeling much remorse over their deaths but from the things I have done I don't think I get the full gravity of it. I can remember a time in my life when I was innocent, There was a family death but I don't think it changed me like I think it did, It very well could have but I am not sure. You are probably asking yourself, What is the advice you want. Well, Let me get down to brass tax, I have bipolar disorder with mixed manic episodes. That is my official diagnosis. What I feel seems very distant.

Like I almost have a block up. It's not that I don't feel anything. It's that I find everything to be trivial. I cannot fathom real loss. for example, a member of my family came back into my life after many years because he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I thought he was the coolest guy ever. I wanted to see him as much as I could when he was still alive. I remember when we were going up to say our goodbyes. He died in the car ride over. I watched my mom freak out and start crying but I didn't react like that in the slightest. It made me feel evil. It made me start to question myself. What would I have to lose for me to feel something like that for something else? This has made me question my moral standing. I hide under my newly found religious beliefs now like I did my formal anti-theistic beliefs I held before. before I had a breakthrough in my life from something I will address at another time I held myself behind the notion that nothing I did will ever matter. That this whole thing was pointless and went nowhere.

At the time of his death, that was the belief I had held. Now I hide under the fact that if we have souls, Death is meanless and nothing to shed tears over. But at the end of the day, I believe that I have destroyed pieces of myself with my actions and I am now just realizing that. Do any of you feel this way? Like you made yourself emotionless. I believe some people are born without feeling anything but I don't think that is the majority. I know I still feel stuff but I think everyone feels something at some time or another. This is just me rambling on in the early morning, it's just been a question on my mind for quite some time.