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feb2020user
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Default Feb 10, 2020 at 10:07 AM
  #1
I got to reading many of the other forums here, and I saw that a lot of personality disorders are actually fairly singular. Not to over-simplify them, but many cases seem to stem from over-correcting from a certain need that wasn't met or was met too well in childhood. This is even a theoretical model for treating them. BPD deals with abandonment, HPD deals with attention, NPD deals with validation, and so on.

Well, then AsPD would clearly, at least in some cases, be born out of an underlying feeling of powerlessness. Maybe not in all cases, but seeing this logic apply to other personality disorders, maybe it could apply to AsPD.

Then I remembered that the FBI has documents about catching psychopaths that put an emphasis on manipulating their sense of control. It seemed to add up. So, does that line of thought actually apply in reality?

For me, yes. I'm obviously a case study of one, so that doesn't prove a general rule. Honestly, I think AsPD is so wide that it probably applies to a ton of people for different reasons. But I realized that my devaluation of things I can't control, my repression of emotions I can't control, and my impulsive need to do the exact opposite of what I perceive people trying to "make me" do all stem from childhood trauma that left me feeling powerless into adulthood.

The emptiness I feel isn't boredom. It's more existential than that. It's a pervasive feeling of powerlessness. Everything that I am has been constructed to counter that, right down to my rejection of self-identity in an attempt to keep control over my own individuality. All that's left when you devalue larger goals is short-term, hedonistic gratification. All that's left when you devalue other people that you can't control is egocentrism.

That's why no amount of power or entertainment I seek is ever enough. The problem I'm trying to solve isn't an external one.

But it also means that I'm not a sadistic control freak because I just enjoy being evil. I'm a control freak because I'm broken, and I fill that hole with my pursuit for power when I'm not just trying to distract myself from it.

I guess this isn't really a revelation. It's in the DSM and, as I mentioned before, the FBI sees it in the behavioral patterns of criminal psychopaths. To me, though, I don't feel like I've ever understood myself as well as I do after this epiphany. I guess the next step is to find some way to accept my powerlessness.

I'm posting this here in case it helps anyone else out. I know this is indexed by Google and we have some lurkers. Just remember who helped you out.
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Default Feb 10, 2020 at 03:54 PM
  #2
The emptiness I feel isn't boredom. It's more existential than that. It's a pervasive feeling of powerlessness. Everything that I am has been constructed to counter that, right down to my rejection of self-identity in an attempt to keep control over my own individuality. All that's left when you devalue larger goals is short-term, hedonistic gratification. All that's left when you devalue other people that you can't control is egocentrism.

That's why no amount of power or entertainment I seek is ever enough. The problem I'm trying to solve isn't an external one.


It isn't necessarily that you seek power, though, but rather that your methods of seeking power are maladaptive. You try to cope with your feelings of powerlessness by rejecting an identity and devaluing larger goals. How do you suppose that'll lead to a happy or fulfilling life? Or lead to you obtaining power?

Instead, it leads to self-doubt:

I'm a control freak because I'm broken

...which often causes the feelings of powerlessness to spiral.

You're not broken. More than likely, you'll always have a desire for power, but it isn't wrong to desire power. It's how you go about it. As you become aware of the desires which drive your behavior, you gain more control over your own actions and even your own thought processes.

I guess the next step is to find some way to accept my powerlessness.

Firstly, what's currently making you feel powerless?

Secondly, why is accepting powerlessness a remedy?

Honestly, I think AsPD is so wide that it probably applies to a ton of people for different reasons.

Yeah, and it's one of the major criticisms of ASPD as a diagnostic term.
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Default Feb 11, 2020 at 08:23 AM
  #3
"It isn't necessarily that you seek power, though, but rather that your methods of seeking power are maladaptive. You try to cope with your feelings of powerlessness by rejecting an identity and devaluing larger goals. How do you suppose that'll lead to a happy or fulfilling life? Or lead to you obtaining power?

Instead, it leads to self-doubt"

I don't think self-doubt is the right word. I'd have to have a self to doubt for that, and I don't feel like I do. I think it would be more accurate to call it self-rejection, but I'm not sure if that's really what it is, either. I'm not seeking a happy or fulfilling life, just more control over my mind. Rejecting an identity prevents me from "having to" act in any specific way across the board, which makes me more adaptable to achieve whatever wants I have. But maybe that sort of kaleidoscope identity is still technically an identity.

"You're not broken. More than likely, you'll always have a desire for power, but it isn't wrong to desire power. It's how you go about it. As you become aware of the desires which drive your behavior, you gain more control over your own actions and even your own thought processes.

Firstly, what's currently making you feel powerless?

Secondly, why is accepting powerlessness a remedy?"

Well, that's just it. There's not really a rational reason for me to feel powerless. I don't necessarily have a desire for power as much as I feel the constant need to diminish my omnipresent feelings of powerlessness. Desiring power isn't really the issue, as you say, it's the constant feeling of lack that can make me easily irritated by minor inconveniences. I have to accept what I can't control, genuinely accept it, in order to focus on what I can. There's a point where being a control freak is self-destructive, and I pass that point too often.

And you're right. At the end of the day, I don't think that will magically make all of my symptoms go away or erase my antisocial impulses or philosophy. I do think that it will make it more manageable and, ironically, lead to more control over my life in general.
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Default Feb 11, 2020 at 01:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by feb2020user View Post
I have to accept what I can't control, genuinely accept it, in order to focus on what I can. There's a point where being a control freak is self-destructive, and I pass that point too often.
Fair enough. In which case, I highly recommend Stoic Philosophy and Existentialism, if you haven't already checked those out. The former teaches one to distinguish between what is and isn't in one's control, and the latter emphasizes freedom of choice, from which follows absolute responsibility of our actions.

I think it's also important to remember that lack of control over a certain circumstance doesn't always necessitate powerlessness. As one obvious example, just because you can't control the actions and thoughts of someone else doesn't mean you're powerless against them. You can control how you respond to them.

And regarding identity:
I'd have to have a self to doubt for that, and I don't feel like I do.

You'd also need a self in order to use "I," statements, yet here you are. We're not entirely bereft of a sense of self.

Consider Existentialism again, from Sartre:
Quote:
A tree is a tree and lacks the ability to change or create its being. Man, on the other hand, makes himself by acting in the world. Instead of simply being, as the object-in-itself does, man, as an object-for-itself, must actuate his own being.
SparkNotes: Jean-Paul Sartre (1905–1980): Being and Nothingness

But maybe that sort of kaleidoscope identity is still technically an identity.

Agreed. After all, deceitful and manipulative are characteristics.
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Default Apr 04, 2020 at 11:33 AM
  #5
Fantastic insight. Those with AsPD seem to be so insightful, intelligent, and logical. I am unaware if your population recognizes their mental illness or not. It seems as though some of you do. Absolutely fantastic post.
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