Does anyone else feel so guilty about something that they feel they may be punished?

afalvo · Sep 13, 2009 at 12:00 AM

I know it's an odd question but I've been living with a variety of anxiety disorders since I was a young child and have always had an extreme amount of guilt. A couple of years ago my husband and I separated for a year, we decided to work things out but he also knew that I was seeing someone at the time. The problem is I never told him everything that happened or in the time frame that it happened in, I started to but it just upset him so much that I thought I was almost being selfish and just trying to relieve my guilt. I immediately back peddled and basically lied to make him feel better. I knew he wouldn't leave me either way and we also started counseling so I knew we would never have to be in that situation again. Long story short, I still feel incredibly guilty and just haven't been feeling well since the whole thing happened a year ago. Last week I found a lump in my breast and I can't help but think that this is my punishment for being a bad wife and mother. I know that sounds ridiculous especially since I do not believe in God or karma but as much as I don't believe in it I can't stop obsessing. I almost feel as if I would deserve something horrible. Since I made my doctors appointment it's all gone downhill, I can't stop crying, I can't even get out of bed. I watched my mother go through breast cancer and my father die from cancer at a very young age and I feel almost positive that when I go in they will tell me what they told my father, that I have six months tops. Even if it turns out that I am fine I can't shake the feeling that something horrible will happen to me because of what I have done or that I am riddled with cancer that they just have yet to find. Has anyone else ever experienced this?

jerrymichele · Sep 13, 2009 at 01:30 PM

I think that it's fair to say that your husband has forgave you. I don't think a time difference would really make much difference, seeing how everything is out into the open. I can tell from reading your post that your sorry about the situation. Also he knows that your sorry. I'm sorry that you are frightened about your health. That would be really scary, but try to think positive about it. Times have changed so much with any type of illness, and who knows maybe you are ok. I wouldn't say that having a lump is punishment, it's just one of thoses things that can happen to any of us. My mother passed with brest cancer back in 1990. They did the xrays and all that, and they couldn't find it that way. The found it by drawing her blood. If they would have found it that way, she might still be living. You found something and you are going to take care of it. And just because someone has cancer, doesn't mean it's a death sentence. I also have a lot more relatives who have had cancer. They are all alive, and came out of it.

possum220 · Sep 13, 2009 at 09:16 PM

Putting a different spin on things - Maybe God or Karma helped you to find the lump early enough because you and you partner have already been through enough.

Who knows why any of us get sick, but I don't think God or Karma would make you get sick.

Guilt is a really nasty thing to process. Maybe you could have a few private sessions with your counselor to process what your emotions are at the moment.

Your hubby has forgiven you. Maye its time to forgive yourself.

BrokenNBeautiful · Sep 27, 2009 at 07:36 AM

I came across your post and i can really relate to your issue.

I just got married and had a wonderful honeymoon with Dane.

Right afterward, I lost my therapy.

I thought God was punishing me.

But deep down, I believe that God does not punish people.

He loves people.

He loves everyone.

but I understand, cause I was brought up to believe that He only loved some people and punished others.

No, I don't believe God gave you that lump.

Like someone else said, it can happen to anyone.

Hey, it happened to my aunt and she was a wonderful person! She had breast cancer.

I hope everything turned out okay.

I am praying for you.

If it didn't, again, I don't think it's a punishment.

It happens to the best of us.

Okay?

Hang in there.

Billi

bellatrix · Oct 10, 2009 at 09:29 PM

I worry about similar things... I think it is human nature. I have a lady on my job that is lazy and tries to get everyone to do her work for her. I am so frustrated with her, I compensate by being cruel behind her back with a friend. (I know... not the nicest thing to do.) I feel guilty for being cruel and worry that my health issues are "payback" since I am not a nice person. Logically, I know I am not terrible. I am a good wife and mother, have a job where I help needy children, but my one terrible downfall is I am a gossip and talk about people that do not do their job.
Hang in there and don't blame yourself. I understand where you are coming from. It is always comforting to find that others have the same guilty feelings/problems that I do.... it makes me feel more normal, so thanks for posting.

billieJ · Oct 12, 2009 at 09:28 PM

Often, worrisome things happen to good people. I hope that by now you have some answers and are relieved by what you were told. I pray that you are okay, afalvo. God or Karma, or the positive powers that be do not do bad things to us. That is depressive thinking, which so many of us have, myself included. Best of Luck to you, and may you be a good health. There's so much that can be done these days, even if you have a tumor - which my hopes are that you do not. Don't lose hope, medicine is miraculous these days. billieJ

VickiesPath · Oct 13, 2009 at 08:42 AM

I have a little different viewpoint to offer. I hope you pick up on this thread.

For the most part, I agree with everything that everyone has said here. No, God is not punishing you for anything by giving you breast disease. He does not work that way. You are loved and cherished, as are everyone in His world. You are not being punished and you were not a bad wife and mother and the affair ended.

You said that you did not tell your husband everything that happened and in what timeframe it occurred because it upset him too much, and that he would not leave you anyway. But you were experiencing guilt because of it. Are you stilll having this guilt feeling? The reason I ask is because you are going to need every bit of your positive mind available to battle the breast disease you are facing. Feelings of guilt have no place in your way.

I would suggest either drop the feelings of guilt or if you can't do that, tell your husband everything and get rid of it. You have too much to put your energy into to waste it on this guilt. Your health doesn't need that negativity.

Sending hugs. ((((((((((((((( afalvo )))))))))))))))))))))

phoenix47baby · Oct 13, 2009 at 02:42 PM

I think this is about forgiving yourself rather than your husband forgiving you. When you can get to the point of forgiving yourself, I bet the guilt will diminish in size. Remember, you were separated at the time. Give yourself some slack. Your husband loves you. Sending good thoughts.

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phoenix47baby Grand Member Member Since Sep 2009 Location: Southern California Posts: 619 14	Oct 13, 2009 at 02:42 PM #8 I think this is about forgiving yourself rather than your husband forgiving you. When you can get to the point of forgiving yourself, I bet the guilt will diminish in size. Remember, you were separated at the time. Give yourself some slack. Your husband loves you. Sending good thoughts. __________________ Phoenix47
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