[Willow13]

I was asked to play piano in church today since the regular pianist was out of town. I agreed to do it after warning the pastor he was underestimating my backwardness. During practice all was well, but then people started singing (the nerve!) and plus people were trying to get to their seats by the piano. Long story short, I panicked. I lost my place and almost blacked out. My hands were dripping sweat, my feet were sweating, my knees knocking, and a horrible feeling of unreality...pure blankness and blindness...

I don't remember how it ended. I think everyone was shocked (playing wrong chords, etc). It was horrible. All I could do was put my head down and tremble. I sat there thinking about leaving, but I stayed. I figured it couldn't get any worse. The next two songs went okay. Anyway, I don't think they'll ask me again! I went home and went to bed, exhausted.

Should I keep trying to take on difficult situations, or is this the signal that I should have said no? I have an appt. with the psych nurse for medication, but I'm very sensitive to medicines (I can't stand to feel drunk or out of control).

[Lisa Michelle]

Willow, out of 3 songs (right?) you messed up PART OF ONE OF THEM. To me this sounds like a success!! No you shouldn't back out of difficult situations. You haven't done this before or at least in a while from what I can tell, even a person without mental health problems would have been nervous, and I'm sure even the most professional pianists sometimes mess up and lose their place! Don't be so hard on yourself. You did amazing to mess up and STILL carry on, that's something to be proud of. I know I wouldn't have even dared get in the chair.

I must say willow, you did make me chuckle with this line -- "but then people started singing (the nerve!)"

Willow I think you should be proud of yourself, it's not easy to get up and play infront of people, I think you did a great job... and perhaps if the pastor asks you again you will feel less panicky.

[shoez]

I understand how this feels. I have been playing the piano for 13 years and I was "forced" to attend music school. We "had" to perform at least a couple of times each month....I have been doing this my entire life. And I STILL get panic attacks and while i play, sometimes my knees start to jump and shake and the pedaling is all off, my fngers tremble and I miss notes and many times I have just had to get up and say sorry to the entire audience and then run away, because I couldnt finish my piece.

So honestly, you are not alone, and I agree with Lisa Michelle, you kept going despite all of this (unlike me lol, i just ran away crying like a baby). And even did well on the other pieces...so I applaud your bravery and I also think you did a great job.

[Willow13]

Bless your heart, Lisa Michelle! Thank you for the kind words. I was shocked at myself for staying. Just going to church is often a nerve-wracking experience for me because of the anxiety. It worries me because I'm getting up in years and I feel like it's taking a big toll on me. I've always been completely socially backward and anxious, but it has gotten a lot worse since I lost my husband then my mother (possibly Post Traumatic plus social anxiety?). I was with both of them when they passed.

[Willow13]

Thanks, shoez, if I had your training and skill, I probably would have had enough sense to call it a day and run! I just play by ear for myself, but a family friend who had never even heard me play told the pastor I was talented (blowing smoke). I did my best to tell the pastor how it really was--I think he believes me now.

[yutzman]

Hey, you made it through.....and good for you!!!If any of the parishoners knew how hard it is to play piano, they would have applauded.....Two things you did should be commended....You tried.....and You finished....Any therapist would approve...no doubt......Y

[Parker10]

I applaud you ! Anytime we attempt to do something new, a live to tell about it - it is a success! :-) The biggest and best part - you stayed, you didnt run away....sorta "feel the fear and do it anyway" approach! WTG !!!!!!

Yes, you are to be commended. The next time will be easier.