[Bob111]

Hello everyone. This is something that's been on my mind for a very long time, and so I was hoping to get some pointers and feedback from other people on how to get past this.

I'm a very socially awkward person, and I feel like it's ruining my life. I think I've always been this way, but to a lesser extent when I was a kid. Now that it's been a few years since I moved away form my parents house, I've really started to lose contact with my old friends and started to isolate. For the last year or so I've had close to no human contact outside of family and school (not sure what it's called in english, engineering school maybe). While I enjoy my privacy, I've started to feel like the lack of human contact and especially the lack of a girlfriend is getting boring, and a bit scary.

Roughly two years back I made a thread on psychcentral's relationship forums about how I'm afraid to start a relationship, and about how women I'm attracted to make me feel very anxious. Back then most people suggested that I should be patient since I'm still young and that these things will become easier with time, and two years later I can only say that it feels like I'm moving in the opposite direction. I just turned 23, so I'm hardly an old man yet, but I wanted to mention this old thread of mine to point out that I don't think this is something that will be worked out by itself, and even assuming the unlikely scenario that it will, I'd prefer not to waste 10-20 years of my life alone waiting for a miracle to happen.

In short, I like being around people, but I don't really get along with anyone. When around other guys I don't really feel anxious, I just generally can't think of much to say in most social situations. If someone in my class for instance talks to me I might agree with them during the conversation but other than that I just really don't have much else to add to it. With women this tends to get much more complicated because I generally feel quite anxious around them and can't really think very clear, and if the girl happens to be a cute one then I'm really struggling not to show just how anxious I feel.

Here's what I've tried so far: I've been to the schools social worker (I think that's what they're called anyway), and I've talked about the things I mentioned. The problem is that I always felt really embarassed talking face to face with someone about this, so I generally ended up focusing on something that I thought was less embarassing, but at the same time also less of an issue. In other words we generally ended up talking about my anti-social life and how to get out of this rut I've been in lately, while the big issue was completely forgotten over time (i.e. me around women). I really hope there is a better way for me to do this than going back to the social worker because I have such a hard time being honest about this when I'm talking with someone in person. Other things I've tried are new hobbies, in order to meet some new people. I picked up thai-boxing for instance and this worked to an extent, in that it forced me into more social situations. In the end, however, it didn't really help with the issues I have with women, seeing as I still only sparred with other guys.

I don't really know what to do now, and I'm hoping that someone here will be able to give me some helpful suggestions. Thank you for your time.

[madisgram]

hi bob and welcome back to pc. first off i believe some people are more shy than others. that's ok. you may fall into that catagory. i think you will benefit from practicing on how to converse with others. can't be very successful with a girl unless you master the main thing. so i'd practice on just conversing with anyone on in a group. one way is to ask the other person questions about themself. i bet you are a good listener. if you can relate to what they answer then you can offer something in response. as for any anxiousness acknowledge it but realize your being anxious will not end the world or destroy making friends. after practicing this with guys or girls then you can focus on what you have learned and try it out with a girl you like. practice is the key to help you overcome your shyness. promise yourself when in a group to offer up some of the conversation. just sitting there is not practice. hope this helps. keep us posted. we care ...and you can overcome this!!! i bet many people like you and you don't even know it.

[Perna]

There is no easy way to do something about our fears, get what we want (companionship) without giving of ourselves in return. I would try to think of a few exercises you could do to help you become less afraid of talking to other people, starting with guys.

I worked on my fear of others by insisting I start conversations with sales clerks in the story, for example. Every time I went to the store, I made myself think of and ask the clerk a question about themselves or answer a question they asked me ("How are you, today?") more fully than I normally would. I made myself look at their name badge and address some comment to them by name, if only to say, "Thank you, Name" as I was leaving with my groceries. I asked them how many more hours they had of their shift or if they were looking forward to taking a break soon. I told little stories about myself relative to my visiting the store or told them about the weather, how badly it might be raining or snowing or what new news there might be of the outside world they were cut off from by having to work right then. I worked to look them in the eyes and have a "real" conversation of at least one genuine exchange between the two of us.

I believe most of our fear of other people and talking to them is a fear of the unknown. But no one can know about other people until they talk to them. Other people can't get to know you and you can't get to know other people and thus become friends and lovers if you don't first do a lot of conversing together. One trick I am practicing is to think about what I might want to know about the other person, rather than worry about what the other person will think of me. It's just a matter of focus. Let your mind dwell on the other person as an individual person instead of on your fears. What kind of car does the guy drive? Where does he live, close to you? Could you and he drive to school together and save gas? What are his interests or hobbies? Does he play sports or play a musical instrument? What sort of person is he? Could you imagine wearing the kind of clothes he wears? Why or why not? What do you consciously think of his looks, his clothes, how he stands, moves, how he speaks, who he "is"?

You speak of being around guys in "most social situations". What kind of situations are those? Why not find guys in situations of your liking? If you are all taking engineering classes and you need help/see someone else struggling, ask to join them and study together? Then you'll have engineering to talk about. My husband is an engineer and enjoyed electronic equipment when he was your age; do you have a particular music system you like or do anything on/with the computer (games or newsgroups) you could discuss? Join a club of some sort where people are interested in what you are interested in and that will give you at least a beginning topic of conversation.

Conversation, like any skill (and it is a skill) takes practice! We cannot get better at talking to others without practicing talking to others. If guys are standing around talking about "the" game and you didn't see it, ask what the score was. If you don't care for sports and they're talking about sports, you can still get to know a person better and practice your conversation skills by asking them about their reactions, "What was your favorite play of the game? Why did you it? When we go to see a therapist or counselor, good ones follow our emotions, our enthusiasms. If we're excited about (or sad or avoiding) something, they ask more questions about that subject; anyone can do that though, one doesn't have to be a counselor, one just has to pay attention to the other person, to "care" about learning about them.

[Bob111]

Thank you for the replies and sorry for the late response. There's a lot of good advice here, but the problem lies with me. The main problem with me is that I have a very boring life, which makes me feel inclined to talk about it. Roughly 1-2 years ago I had a comparatively much more active social life than I have today, because I still went out during weekends and met some friends, but ever since I stopped drinking (just to point out I never had a problem, just festive drinking), I've pretty much completely lost contact to the people I used to meet on the weekends.

That being said, one of the main reasons I stopped drinking was because I wanted to get away from these people because they've always driven me nuts. To clarify a bit, they're old school friends of mine who generally poke fun at each other every minute of every day, and when I hang out with them I of course have the honor of being part of this. I don't really like this kind of humor, but I can ignoring it when I'm sober. When I'm drunk, however, I start to get more pissed off by this stuff and eventually I act exactly like them, which I really hate.

I'm by no means a particularly intelligent person even when I'm sober, but when I drink my stupidity knows no bounds, and this is THE main reason I decided to stop. Because of the way I act when I'm drunk, pretty much anyone who has ever had a conversation with me when I'm drunk thinks I'm a complete moron. I'm also always terribly hung-over after I drink. To sum it up, I eventually started asking myself for a single good reason to keep drinking, and I couldn't find one so I stopped. I've also tried going out with these "friends" of mine without being drunk, and it tends to get even more unbearable to be around them, so this isn't really an option either (btw I'm sorry that I'm rambling, this is why I tried to keep the first post short because I make less sense by the minute when I start typing).

The reason why I brought all of this up is to highlight the fact that I'm simply not good with people, nor am I a very nice person to be around. When I'm drunk I have a tendancy to get very annoying, and when I'm sober I'm at best a boring and socially awkward person, and this brings me back to the first paragraph. While I recognize that my life is boring, that by itself doesn't bother me. I get by reasonably well by communicating with friends through the internet, and I'll even go so far as to say that I don't even want to be a socially very active person. What I want is a girlfriend, and a shot at a normal life with a wife and children instead of a meaningless existence where I watch other people live their life to the fullest, while I can feel mine wither away and even though I know what the problem is I just can't seem to do a thing about it.

Now, I can see the irony in a 23 yo whose talking about his life as it's already halfway over, but here are a few things that might make it more understandable why I feel this way: I'm 23 years old, and I've never had a girlfriend, I've never kissed a girl sober, and frankly I don't think I've ever actually been able to talk to a girl I like while being sober without feeling incredibly uncomfortable. When I see a gorgeous girl outside I don't make eye-contact, in fact lately I've noticed that I'm even scared to smile to cute girls. In fact, if for instance I'm in a grocery store and there are two cashiers, one's a very cute young girl and the other one is a 50 year old man, there's not a chance I'll have the guts to buy my grocaries from the cute girl, and in my opinion this perfectly illustrates my point. If I'm this afraid of women, what are the chances that I'll ever be able to start a meaningful relationship with one?