[lavieenrose]

Some very pleasant social interactions yesterday elevated my mood, the first time in a while. It carried into today, which was gratifying. This evening, however, someone came to reinstall a bath sink. Yesterday, he was one of the boosts to my mood. When he returned this evening, I began feeling anxious. Perhaps, I felt drawn to him, and this evening, felt threatened by that. I saw myself do everything possible to be unappealing, reveal a "tsunami" of depression, ADD, hating cooking and cleaning (the house displays this). The frosting on the cake was my large dog barking at him. He was displaying fear one moment, wanting to play, and licking the man's hand the next. My dog has anxiety issues himself, and is unpredictable. It made me extremely wound up. I keep vacillating, thinking that my dog may be too much of a liability, but I love him. The other issue is how I'm unconsciously trying to turn men off, displaying every possible problem. It was disappointing to return to "basketcase" after such a brief experience of peace.

[sunsetsunrise]

Originally Posted by lavieenrose

Some very pleasant social interactions yesterday elevated my mood, the first time in a while. It carried into today, which was gratifying. This evening, however, someone came to reinstall a bath sink. Yesterday, he was one of the boosts to my mood. When he returned this evening, I began feeling anxious. Perhaps, I felt drawn to him, and this evening, felt threatened by that. I saw myself do everything possible to be unappealing, reveal a "tsunami" of depression, ADD, hating cooking and cleaning (the house displays this). The frosting on the cake was my large dog barking at him. He was displaying fear one moment, wanting to play, and licking the man's hand the next. My dog has anxiety issues himself, and is unpredictable. It made me extremely wound up. I keep vacillating, thinking that my dog may be too much of a liability, but I love him. The other issue is how I'm unconsciously trying to turn men off, displaying every possible problem. It was disappointing to return to "basketcase" after such a brief experience of peace.

((((((lavieenrose)))))) how well I know the sort of thing you speak of. The fear of a relationship. for me it is that I do not feel worthy in one or many ways. For others it could be another reason. I also understand how situations throw me off kilter in a single moment. But I also want to add that this moment of peace you had can never be taken away. your body registered it. I am hoping for you that someday soon those moments of peace will be longer lasting. what do they say," two steps forward and one step back"?

And speaking of being pulled from one state of being to another in a split second, my friend came over to check my ceiling to see if the pipe leak had stopped from the work the plummer did the first time he came. The work that hopefully resolved it. I checked the ceiling after showering but never was sure. She came with a kleenex and found that the leak is still there.

The plummer wil have to come and cut my ceiling and repair the pipe and then someone will have to come and fix the hole in the ceiling. money money, my biggest trigger of all. I flew out of my body and into panic mode. Then, just as my printer ( belonging to my only computer which is elderly) was letting me know it was not going to work, someone who I give emotional help to called on the phone. And I was a short with her because I was in soooooo much pain And that opened the door to guilt after I hung up the phone.

Decades ago, Marianne Williamson said in a book called " return to love" ( paraphrasing) there is only that which is of love, and that which is of fear. I would also say it as this: that which is of the mind and that which is of the heart. I hope someday to be more connected to the heart. So i can have more of my true self.

[sundog]

(((((((((lavie))))))))))) I'm sorry your good mood was fleeting (I know how that goes!) But I'm really glad you felt better yesterday and enjoyed some socializing

Our dogs are terrible when someone comes to the house (unless it's someone they know and like). They bark like wild things and it's very hard to calm them down, even after the person has entered the house. Usually I have to shut them in a separate room (if it's a workman who has come to do a job). Also, maybe Sherman picked up a bit on your anxiety around this man?? He might have felt like he needed to protect you??

I think you're right on when you say that it could have been some attraction to this man which was making you anxious. I can relate to that. It's like we put ourselves under pressure and then because the pressure feels scary - or the feelings are scary - we turn it into a self-sabotage situation. I've definitely done that........

It's a great sign though that you enjoyed socializing yesterday. I really hope you get back to that place again very soon

[lavieenrose]

<<The fear of a relationship. for me it is that I do not feel worthy in one or many ways...I also understand how situations throw me off kilter in a single moment...I am hoping for you that someday soon those moments of peace will be longer lasting>>.

Thank you so much Sunsetsunrise for your comforting words. I want so much to have a more solid, consistent self, to be present and loving toward myself, toward others, rather than be fearful and self-sabotaging. I'm also triggered by money scarcity, even grocery shopping. I'm sorry for the stress that the printer, the home repair, and your friend's call triggered in you. Guilt and shame are so corrosive to the self. Choosing between love/heart vs. fear/mind. That's the critical distinction, the juncture to navigate moment by moment. So hard when already too activated. I guess self-forgiveness is then called for. I'll look for Williamson's book. I have her book on spiritual faith, the title escapes me now. <<I hope someday to be more connected to the heart. So i can have more of my true self. >> Thanks for your lovely sentiments. Peace to you.

[lavieenrose]

(((((Sundog))))) Thanks as always for your loving, supportive sentiments. I'm glad I had that bit of peace, too. I'm sorry that you have similar problems with your dogs when people come. Hearing about it helps me feel less alone with these stressors, though. You might be right about Sherman's motivation. I usually feel he's acting out his anxiety, but he could very well be reacting to my own.

<<I think you're right on when you say that it could have been some attraction to this man which was making you anxious. I can relate to that...because the pressure feels scary - or the feelings are scary - we turn it into a self-sabotage situation. I've definitely done that.>> Thanks for that, Sundog.

<<It's a great sign though that you enjoyed socializing yesterday. I really hope you get back to that place again very soon >> I was heartened and grateful for that shift I experienced, however brief. It reminded me that it's still possible to feel better. I'm wishing happiness for you, too.

[greywolf2]

Sometimes I think our animals potray how we feel. I'm glad that you had a great time socializing. It sounds like you are becoming aware of how you portray yourself which is a first step "self awareness" which I think is a great start. I hope this brings back some peace for you. Sincerely Grey

[eskielover]

((((((levieen))))))), I can definitely relate to your doggie situation.....I have 6 of them that go off anytime anyone enters my house.....even when good people are here, they bark incessently.....but then, american eskimo dogs were bred to be a sort of guard dog......so I really do feel safe.....but then, I am not trying to have a socializing situation in the process either. It does make it difficult to have anyone over to dinner, but then, I don't have any furniture in my house in the first place, so it's not exactly an inviting environment to socialize in the first place.....so my doggies are a good excuse for me.

The strange thing I have found is that when the right situation arises, everything does fall in place including our feelings about ourselves. I am sorry that you don't feel worthy of having a good relationship....maybe you can work on this (if you are in therapy) for awhile, so that you can overcome these feelings while working with Sherman & getting him better socialized also.

Interesting, when I was showing my dogs & even now with Leo, I take him everywhere I go (unless the weather is too hot or cold). We can take them into stores like Lowe's, Home depot, & even my bank accepts dogs....just not any store where there is food being sold. When we were showing, if our dogs showed any standoff actions toward the judges, we would take them out for socialization therapy to the stores around where the show was being held. With Leo, it's the same thing.....everyone always wants to stop & pet & touch the dogs.....sometimes I have to hold onto Leo pretty close especially with little kids.....but he's getting so much better in his socialization. Dogs are just like people.....when they don't get out & around people, they don't know what socialization is or how to act around people. Dog training classes are also another good thought....not only are we able to socialize our dogs around other dogs & people, but it also gets us out & socializing around other people also.....the best thing is that they are usually also animal lovers who aren't apposed to our dogs. Needless to say, our doggies can sense those people who don't really care for animals in the first place, causing them so seem a bit more aggressive than they really are.

Sometimes we just end up in a funky phase in our lives that we are just passing through as we work on who & what we really want to be. Keep focusing on your goal & you will get there......even if it might take a little help with therapy.

[lavieenrose]

Thank you Greywolf2 and Eskielover. Sherman's whole litter was fearful according to the vet who saw them. We probably feed off each other's anxiety, though I try to be soothing to him.

Since age 9 weeks, when I got him, I'd brought him daily to the dog park, a nature trail near home. He was one of the stars, one of the minor celebrities around the place, always doing great with dogs and people. The aggressiveness toward certain dogs and barking at certain people is fairly new. I do take him sometimes on errands into stores, but he's so big and strong, and pulls a lot on leash. I've tried devices-harnesses, gentle leader, etc. I can't afford any additional training. I've had some consults.

And I've been in therapy for 3 decades for multiple, complicated, intertwined issues. No quick solutions, but I'm hanging in there with it all. Since someone new has shown interest in me, a nice man, I've had a new spark of feeling that maybe it's possible to find the right relationship, not necessarily with him, but with someone. I think that would make a difference in my life. I always feel better when around other people. I do feel I'm gradually moving out of the isolation I've inflicted upon myself for so long. I think it would benefit my dog too. Thanks for everyone's input.