fear of success?

I hope this is the best place to post this. For the past year I've been having trouble finding a job I will stick with. People are starting to think I'm lazy, which I know I am not. I'm terrified to get back out into the world. My last attempt at steady employment: Second week, walked in to work, went to get uniform, started panicking, and wasn't even thinking of what I was doing. My body was like on autopilot, I put my uniform back, and raced outta that place as fast as I could. No idea what triggered this. My last steady job was nice, I worked pretty much by myself. After about 4 months I got so bored though, and thought that I should start pursuing my career again. So, I interviewed with this place, and was supposed to start, but I never showed up. I've done that so many times. I've even worked for 2 days, then never returned. I just can't tell if I am trying to do something that I secretly don't want to, or if it's some fear of success or something. I also wonder if it's a fear of commiting, or maybe even responsibilty, or possibly burnout (happened before). My mind is so clouded about this subject. I wonder if other people in their 20's go through this, and for god's sake, why. It's extremely frustrating because I'm recieving more and more pressure to just get a damn job. I'm currently waiting on results of the standard backround check from a retail place, and hope I do get the job because I REALLY need a paycheck. I'm so scared I am going to blow it again. I seriously am running out of options, and can't afford to run from another place of employment again. This seems like some type of panic, but I'm not sure, and have no idea how to deal with it. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense because like I said my mind is so clouded about this. any insight would be immensely appreciated. thank you.

Hi Rebecca and welcome to PC

I would suggest you seeking some therapy to find out why exactly you are doing this. Obviously there is something there that is causing you great anxiety when entering a place of employment.

Are you having these attacks only when you are starting a new job? Does is happen at other times as well? I am just just trying to get a better feel of the situation. I know this has to be extremely difficult for you. I am sorry your going through this.

I just think that speaking with a therapist will help you recognise what is keeping you from maintaining long term employment.

I wish you luck with this. Take care.


Jen

Hi Rebecca,

I believe that we do sometimes 'vote with our feet' and our actions tell us a lot about ourselves.

You said that maybe you 'secretly' don't want these jobs. Jmo's advice is good, and a therapist will help you to find out what is blocking you here, and what it is you have to deal with.

You certainly did the right thing coming to PC, we make a lot of progress here on the forums, by sharing and reflecting each other. Hope you stick around.

Cheers, M

It's pretty clear that you've thought a lot about this, and realize some possible reasons, and that's good. You should tell a psychologist what your thoughts are, and hopefully, s/he will help you come to the right conclusion.

I will give you a piece of advice, though...try to find the answer as soon as possible, because doing damage to your resume can screw up your future. Take it from one who knows.

i second talking to a T....figure things out...xoxo pat

I think you made plenty of sense. I don't really have anything to add to what everyone else said, but I agree that talking to a therapist might help a lot. good luck. *thumbs up*

Rebecca i think i understand what you are saying. That's becuase I have been there and still am there. I leave jobs and courses. I just freak out and leave. I get really scared and think that I'm not good enough so I leave. Now I can see this viscious cycle that I live in. I've got to stick at the job that I have now. I'm seeing a t as well so hopefully I can help get over this stuff that causes me to run. I just leave somewhere and I either tell them on a voicemail when I know that no one will be around to answer the phone or I write a letter. And at other times I have just not told anyone. Then I have to hide and not answer the door or telephone and avoid places and people. It makes life hard. I'm just so scared. I'm scared of getting in trouble or making a fool of myself or not being good enough. I want to stop running and freaking out. You are not alone. I would be happy to talk with you.

Dear Rebecca, Hi, may I add to the voices letting you know you're not alone? No kidding. I agree with the rest of the gang here that talking with a therapist is a good idea.

For me, most job situatios were just full of too much stimulation. Not to mention stress. It took all I had to force myself to show up and be there, let alone have anything left to actually do the work I was hired to do.... Once my body just broke out in puss sores all over myself.... GET ME OUT OF HERE was the messege. So, I quit.

Found myself starving to death in NYC for my 21st birthday.
This was back in 1970. The womem's movement was new. There just weren't the resourses and choices there are now.

Can you let go of pressuring yourself about a "career" and figure out if there's a job you could do comfortably? Walk dogs? or something? Take it easy on yourself while you work on figuring out what's going on? Maybe even consider a time on disability to let your nervous system calm down? That's the bullet I had to bite, and it saved my life. Plus a lot of help from people who cared.

I can't imagine what life would have been like with something like this site back then. . . We are not alone. Just that helps me so much. Everybody's out there shovelling their stuff, keeping their shovels nice and shiney, making compost for their new growth. Sharing the good the bad and the ugly. Caring. I hope you find a way that gets you through this yukky stuff. I' rooting gor ya!