[Rohag]

Hello all! I’m feeling fragile and discouraged (as discouraged as my meds will allow, that is).

Both depression and GAD are talking here.

About a week and a half ago I had another one of my “major episodes.” It was National Pet Week, and I made a commitment to myself to visit the memorial garden at the veterinarian facility that cared for Soul. During Pet Week they bring out the plaques with the names of the friends who have passed on.

In hindsight, I can see the tension building. Little things – couldn’t find something, several items to try to remember to take out to the car, feeling encumbered, garage cluttered, trying to hurry so that my wife could get to her own appointment on time (she’s my driver). Got into the passenger seat. Reclined and applied my first set of eye drops for the day. Put on my sleep mask so I don’t get triggered by passing objects. Fastened seat belt. Ready.

Car starts. The radio is on and set just a hair beyond what I was expecting. I’m startled. The startle spreads. Within less than a second the startle gives way to explosive rage and terror. I repeatedly strike at my head. I start tangling in the belt but manage to unfasten it. Out the door I go and onto the driveway. I’m on my back and continuing to scream. My head meets concrete several times. Rolling face down I continue to scream. Eventually exhaustion sets in along with an overwhelming sense of withdrawal and an accompanying disinclination to interact with anyone.

Female voice: “...neighbors...refrigerator delivery...roll right?...”

Male voice: “Buddy...OK?...Alright?...”

Completely apathetic.

Strength gradually returns over the next hour. From prone I manage all-fours. Slow backup into the garage. My feet and knees find a path. I rest in the shade. Changing direction I crawl to the stoop. I rise leaning on the door post. I enter the house and lean over the kitchen counter.

My wife, who has had a decade to get used to this, changes her appointment to the afternoon. The neighbors already know I’m strange. And I’m reminded that, yes, something’s wrong with me. Depression, stress-intolerance, low startle threshold -- all those meds are not for nothing.

The next day we made it to the memorial garden. I left a poem there.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sorry that happened! It's great that you were able to go the following day. I hope the bad feelings pass. Soul understands and appreciates all the efforts you made to get there! Start feeling better soon, okay?

The poem is absolutely beautiful!

[sundog]

(((((((((((((((((Rohag))))))))))))))))))))

I am so saddened to read this. And to think of you going through such distress. I'm so very sorry

You describe this situation so eloquently. I can really relate to the build-up of tension in an already challenging emotional situation. I'm so sorry for the emotional agony you endured.

It's wonderful you were able to get to the Memorial Garden the next day. And leave your beautiful poem for Soul there. I hope you are able to take it easy and recuperate now Sending you many hugs and much love

[lynn P.]

Sorry I didn't see this sooner ((Rohag)). How long have you been having these kind of episodes and did it start after some sort of trauma? I wish I had some advice but I don't at this time. Just want you to know I care and I hope your doctors can relieve this some how.