[Saxon]

Good morning all,

Perhaps the single most crippling mental abnormality I suffer is hypochondria. Ever since I was a child, I used to worry about the most minor of symptoms, but back then, they were isolated episodes; I was, after all, too young to consider the full list of consequences of what I thought I had.

I am now 20. Last summer, my hypochondria erupted spectacularly and ever since, it has been an almost unending problem for me. Around this time, I began to experience what I have deemed "derealisation" or an unending brainfog, and the full story can be found in the "Dissociative disorders" forum. Needless to say, this feeling of disconnection, plus back pain, tremors, numbness, headaches, and digestion problems, caused me to worry that what I was experiencing was the result of a brain tumour, MS, Lyme's disease, Parkinson's etc. etc. I saw two doctors in August and September of 2010 and they said I was being a hypochondriac and there was nothing to worry about. For the time being, that put my mind at ease.

Despite being strongly recommended psychotherapy, things looked up when I returned to university. I entered a relationship, and when that ended miserably, I took a turn for the worst and indulged in old habits. My worry and fear were stratospheric, and my doctor recommended an MRI to put my mind at ease. I had one, and the results were normal, aside from mildly inflamed sphenoid sinuses, an unfortunately hard-to-treat condition which must be assaulted with nasal sprays, decongestants and what not. Nothing life-threatening, anyway.

In May, the fear returned: I was aware of two swollen lymph nodes in my groin and jaw, and immediately feared lymphoma. For about 8 weeks, I stayed in limbo, afraid to go to the doctor lest I be diagnosed with some terminal condition and, paradoxically, afraid that if I didn't go soon, it would be too late to help. Eventually, I did the sensible thing; the doctor expressed no concern about my lymph nodes and took my blood. Last week, I got the results back and they were completely normal.

I've noticed that my fear lies particularly with chronic wasting diseases like cancer and MS, even though no one in my family has ever suffered from either, apart from my paternal grandfather who contracted a very mild form of prostate cancer in his mid-90s. I tend to fear that because these diseases almost randomly pick their victims, it's essentially inevitable that I will contract one or the other... something!

I visited a psychotherapist earlier this year, and she posited that my fear stems from my father's history of ill health. From a year before my birth until 2009, my now 71-year-old dad experienced a string of major health issues, including three heart attacks and two strokes, the second stroke leaving him with a mild speech impediment (conduction aphasia). To be honest, it's something that I can't recall ever affecting me like my hypochondria has, and my dad is remarkably cool and collected when it comes to his own conditions.

Now, I am mostly calm. Considering I've had an MRI and a blood test, I feel like there aren't any more avenues to explore, and that's fine by me; but, I have a feeling that it won't last. I treat my body like a listening post, and any minor pain or ache is a catalyst for something far worse, or fatal. Something else will crop up, and the same cycle will begin again, causing more weeks of worry and apathy. I don't want to go through it again!

I want to live worry-free, but it is easier said than done. What is your advice, folks?

[BatsAndButterflies]

Hi and welcome to PC. I hope you can find peace with yourself and support here.

[Wren_]

Hi, I wish I had some advice to give you. What I can say is that I know what the fear can be like and how overwhelming it can be. Actually; something I was told a few months ago might help (?) and that was to find something else to keep your mind busy; give it something challenging to amuse and keep it occupied. Not so much distractions which can dull the mind instead or give it time to go back to worrying; but something that will really make it work and that it will enjoy

[Saxon]

You're right, tigergirl, but I'm unfortunately in rather a sticky situation at the moment. I'm on summer holidays at the moment, and when I'm at university, the hypochondria isn't nearly as bad.

In the summer months, I live in the middle of nowhere, and I have neither employment nor transportation. I rely on my friends being free when I want to do something. I do have some hobbies and past-times - I've started a new workout routine and I write for a website - but they're not truly occupying like you advise; they're helpful for the time-being, but as soon as I stop doing them, I am free to worry again.

I basically have far too much free time with my mind!

[BatsAndButterflies]

I understand how that can be. During indoor percussion season when I am regularly occupied, my anxiety is so much less annoying than times like now when I'm not doing something I love.

Try putting all of your worry into creative energy of some sort. Creation is an amazing way to put all negative thoughts into a project and walk away.

[Wren_]

Is there anything else you could be writing or for example, ever thought about writing a book? now seems like you've got the time to do it and that could be an interesting project to tackle?