[fight]

I had been doing so well for the last 2-3 weeks, fairly confident in myself, looked forward to work and to talking to people there. I had heard that a few of the girls at the store liked me,
and that I was talked about by most of the people there, which gave me a little ego boost (something that rarely happens). I didn’t worry about what I was going to say and did not feel any pressure to talk to these girls that liked me. I just let everything
work smoothly and when I talked to these girls, I talked to them. I didn’t force it or have any awkward moments. I did not worry if I did not have anything to say. For a rare moment in my life I was confident and I can think rationally. I smiled easily and talked
to most of the people in the store, and the ones that I didn’t, I didn’t worry much about. I was able to joke around and I had more of a lighthearted sense of humor.



All my life I have had a very bad habit of, once I get to know people and get comfortable with them, that suddenly I feel this overpowering urge to get away. Anxiety just grabs ahold of me. I begin to worry that what I am doing is not enough, that everything I was told about the people liking me might be a lie or a misinterpretation on their part. I feel like I cannot live up to the person that everyone thinks that I am, I cannot be a good boyfriend and I am not really always this happy. I go on the defensive; I begin watching for people to take shots at me. When people don’t talk to me I begin to wonder if I did something wrong or maybe I am not doing enough, or maybe too much. Conversations become shorter and more awkward. I smile less and use sarcasm instead of the lighthearted humor. Maybe I have just been a tool that everyone was using just for a laugh.



I overthink things and begin creating “fantasies” in my head and I don’t see things for how they really are. For example I was thinking about this girl that I like and I began thinking about how we would do as a couple, my thoughts run from boyfriend and girlfriend, to how we would do living together, then to how would we do as a married couple, and I worry about every little detail, and all of this before I even know if she really likes me! The worry sickens me and soon enough I am trying to get away from the girl and break all ties.



I just don’t know. All the control that I felt before is torn away, the happiness and lightheartedness too. It feels like my thoughts change from ordered and sensible to scrambled and out of control. I can’t get a grip on anything. I give up hope.



The worst part about this is that I knew this was coming, I planned for it and I told myself that I WOULD NOT let it happen! Yet it still did. I tried so hard to avoid this, I took steps to lower my anxiety. I would go out for drives late at night and just talk to myself to help calm my nerves and I would think everything out and I would feel comfortable with it. I would not let myself get too caught up in people liking me or worry about messing it up, I was able to enjoy it for what it was at the moment. I felt in control. The pain of failing to keep control is horrible, I feel depressed and worthless. I am on the verge of crying again and it seems like I will be stuck going through this cycle forever, unable to keep a long term relationship or even friendship.

This situation is still salvageable for me, it has only been a couple days of this and I want to get out of this funk before it ruins more relationships . I don’t want to be full of worry, spite, and anger. I know I can be the guy everyone sees me as, I just don’t know if I can keep it up.

I apologize if things are a little confusing or vague, but I am not in a great state of mind right now but I told myself that I would at least attempt to get help this time instead of letting it completely destroy me. I am really determined to fix this so I can live a normal life and maybe for once get a girlfriend…..

Thanks,
Alec