[Onward2wards]

I don't generally fear meeting new people, in fact, I work with the public very effectively in my job. I tend to be able to get along with most people I meet, and have faith in humanity generally. I'd say I'm more an optimist than a pessimist, deep down. I am definitely an introvert, but a friendly and open one, and feel equal needs for meaningful socializing and solitary activity. My only social beef about my line of work is that it has high volume, shallow interaction when I feel a bit more comfortable with low volume, deep interaction (then again, it depends on the person too).

But in general ...

* I have triggers that cause enormous feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness - confident to "two inches tall"
* I've caught myself in some situations feeling like there's an invisible social ladder and I'm on the bottom rung, and suddenly I act like it
* I get these sudden "shyness attacks", especially when I have to be assertive, negotiate or persuade, the stakes feel personally high and the outcome is uncertain (this bothers me a lot in my personal life, less so at work). Saying no, taking written tests, performance evaluations, asking for a first date, job interviews and that occasional customer no-one seems able to please have often been highly anxiety provoking unless I see some kind of positive sign. I did not feel quite so awkward as a child, just a little too shy on occasion.
* I am very sensitive to both positive and negative social feedback (always have been)
* I tend to be quite non-assertive in general, and afterwards I mentally berate myself for it
* I can be easily intimidated, and manipulated by guilt trips, which really irritates me. Afterwards I feel brooding and defensive, every time.
* I actually enjoy being the center of attention ... but if the attention is negative, I get a sudden urge to curl up into a little ball and preferably disappear. I can hide this well, but the feeling is always there
* I get the impression my anxiety levels (which can be spectacularly variable) are more driven by subconscious expectations than anything else. Sometimes I think I'm just "easily activated", not necessarily anxious per se.
* I have two modes - (1) Cautious but friendly approach, and (2) Won't shut up
* I am still not sure what the "hidden rules" governing this are. To the best of my and several doctors' awareness, as well as people who know me best, I am not bipolar or even cyclothymic.
* Antidepressants and even anti-anxiety meds have always had way more side effects than lasting benefits for me - I seem to be hypersensitive to any psych meds. I'm no longer taking any and frankly don't miss them in the slightest, however the ones also used to treat social anxiety disorder seemed to work just slightly better than the rest.

Is this really social anxiety then (perhaps situational but in a range of situations) or just lack of confidence? What has worked best for you?

[ECHOES]

Have you considered psychodynamic/psychoanalytic psychotherapy to learn more about you and how you 'work', to explore more about all the things in your post?

[gashly]

Call me silly, but a lot of that sounds pretty normal to me, I think the situations you listed would make most people anxious. I don't have any suggestions to make them easier, though, as I'm pretty anxious and tend to avoid "the public" in general, and it sounds like you're much more skilled than I am.

I'm not sure how accurate this is, but I thought social anxiety is more as being a fear of judgement or attack by others that makes you avoid social situations to the point of affecting your life adversely, such as avoiding dating, avoiding public places, not eating/drinking in public, not using public restrooms, dropping out of school or avoiding classes, etc.