[mamateama]

It's been about 12 yrs. since i've had an actual friend. In the past years i've met a couple of girls who i thought were gonna be my friend, but for many different reasons did not. It is not like i don't want any friends, well sometimes i do think i'm better off with none. I know that isn't true even though sometimes it feels that way. I just have a hard time trusting people. I am this way because of my birth family. They have hurt me alot! Over 3 years of being apart of their lives i've developed alot of problems. Even though they treated me badly i still loved them and had hope that someday they'd change. Late in 2011 i finally had enough and unfortunately have to not have them in my life anymore. It hurts a whole lot to think this way, but counseling has taught me that i deserve to be happy, i sort of know what that word means, because of 6 specials peeps in my life. Well now it's 5 but i still love #6. They would be my son, husband, & 4 blood neices. Since the day i found out i was gonna be a mom, i swore to my baby that i'd never make him feel how my family made me feel. Unfortunately i FAILED and live with this guilt EVERYDAY. My husband tells me i'm too hard on myself, but i believe i'm not hard enough. Because i'm still failing. The thing i do wrong is i get way too mad at my son and maybe sometimes my husband. Sometimes i can get a handle on it, then other times i get too upset, make too big a deal out of things. I'm so obsessed with perfection that it causes problems for me and my relationships. I'm so insecure about myself that it too interferes. My lack of trust and many other things brings turmoil as well. Even in this post i have spent half my time trying to write this the proper way, even though i'm doing a bad job of completing this task. To tell you the truth i got too many problems it's hard to stay on just one, because they all kind of go together. It would be so much easier if someone could get inside my brain and see all the stuff i can't explain to people. I think it might be impossible for me to ever get my life in order.

[Rosie23]

I too grew up with a very dysfunctional family. Very abusive. It took a long time for me to get the parenting stuff right. Your only example is your own parents. And when you have to toss out all that they and your other family members taught you about a family unit - then you have a big blank page with no idea what to put on it.
Just trust yourself and no matter what - don't do what they did. Anything that you do is better than that.

And it is hard to make friends when you are raising children. Finding the time between all of the tasks that a mom does is difficult. You don't say how old your children are, but they have friends who have moms. That is a good place to start. You could also try joining some sort of craft class that you would enjoy and you would get to meet people there.

[bluestate]

I purposely didn't have children because I never wanted to do to another person what my family did to me. But my life was extremely smothering, never having a friend or family member I was allowed to talk to.

I have had a long, lonely life because I never did develop the skills needed to make friends. On top of that, I can't stand the area where I live but have been here so long even the thought of leaving scares me beyond my ability to cope.

In what way do you feel you have failed your child? Somehow I doubt that you have. I am sure you have been very careful to not do what was done to you.

No one is perfect. Trying to be, and being hard on yourself for not being perfect only makes your own life harder. Do you know any way to forgive yourself for being just plain human? You do your best, what more can anyone do?

I know it is truly hard to not blame yourslef for whatever doesn't seem right in your life. I know because I have lived with this too. But I have been at it longer than you, and there is a constant battle going on in my head between the 'perfection' me and the 'human' me. I don't think that battle will ever be solved, but it is worth fighting. Do you ever feel this way?

You are fortunate to have a T that can help you know you have a right to be happy. You really do, you know. Keep working at it and I hope you find that path to where you want to be.