[royal1990]

-Please Note: sorry for the long post, I do hope people will take the time to read, as this really is the last straw for me....thanks in advance.


Hello, I'm not really quite sure how to word this since, there are too many thoughts going on in my head to even narrow it down to a single point of focus. So I shall explain it how I see the situation. I will say that it is related to my anxiety issues, personal problems currently affecting me in my life. Basically I'm 21years of age, just started in my first year of Undergraduate study at university and it isn't really going well. At first things were fantastic!
A new environment, and the joys of finally having been accepted into university was a big step in the first place but one I had been looking forward to. I was maybe nearly a week or so into it, I was still adapting and basically there was issues with my student finance, it was delayed, this sent me into sheer a complete state of terror. I panic and felt a sense of dread, not so much to the extent that I was feeling physical symptoms (although I had a butterfly feeling in my stomach) but more so mentally. I was restless I could not settle no matter what I did. I immediately rang my mother and informed her, I was completely distraught to learn that the university had withdrawn me from the course, because they had some correspondence to say that because my student finance hadn't been verified, because they needed to do some identity checks on me. So I was completely, confused, angry and very worried, eventually though my mother rang me back and told me I needed to consult with student finance, and so I did this.


It then turned into a game of ringing up every week for about twice a week for months until they sorted it. At this point, I was worried and anxious about whether I could afford food to eat, and to actually pay my rent. I had to cancel my direct debit with the university, since I was unable to have sufficient funds in my account and so it would have ended up me owing my bank if I hadn't canceled it. Because at this point I was intensely anxious, I could not focus on the workload, it piled up and I found myself feeling low, miserable, started to lose interest at this point, and felt like it was my fault I felt this way and that I had always felt this pessimistic. Generally throughout my life though, I would say I can never really remember a point at which I felt pure happiness or the last time I felt good. But anyways, because of these issues I was unable to focus on work, my stress levels were very high, I could not cope, I felt I wanted to end it all or even harm myself. Suddenly the course and university life seemed like a burden, a time which was supposed to be the best time of my life, turned out to be making me ill. I was at the stage now where I was trying to escape I did not know how, so I thought my options are I could lie, make an excuse, but then I thought its bad enough that I have poor social skills and that I find it hard talking to people, why should I lie to further bury my emotions inside. It transpired, I skipped a lecture one day, and wondered around the city centre like a zombie pretty much. I was empty, sad, hurt, self-criticizing, anxious, but above all guilty. Asking 'What if's and whys'. I emailed my Personal Academic Tutor (PAT) and she asked me to go and visit her in her office (and although this was a painful thought, going out of my comfort zone) I went because somewhere inside I thought there was a way out. I went along, and although she seemed nice, polite and all the rest of it, I still wasn't comfortable and even now with the department and lecturers as a whole I feel very uptight, I'm not sure if its just my people skills, reasoning, communications or just social skills. But nonetheless, she referred me to the counselor at the university, this lasted for 5-6weeks because I had block sessions, although I was initially happy I was receiving help, I felt that it wasn't helping me massively, since the irony of it was I had to talk with her, and so I pretty much forced myself to talk to her. I felt like I was keeping up some sort of pretense because I felt like she was getting irritated because I was always negative, and I genuinely thought that I proved very awkward to work with.


For these reasons, I did not really open up, and when I spoke I tended to maybe either exaggerate or I was unable to say what I wanted because I got lost in my own thoughts. I often found the conversation went flat quickly, since I was unable to keep the conversation going because I think I was very awkward and ran out of things to talk about since my mind was racing I always attempted to talk about everything at once. On my last session I was happy because by this point I dreaded the counseling and just wanted to get myself back on track. After the sessions my things seemed to actually drift further downhill, I found that the workload still piled up and I couldn't really 'see the wood for the trees' again. My anxiety has progressed much more, and I still feel more unsettled in this environment. I am not saying that the university support network is not there, but rather I feel to anxious to approach people and I am reaching breaking point. Before university I was a very aspirational person, I was a dreamer and a visionary person. I wanted to be someone and land a career with 'a meaning' and now I feel maybe its too late. Presently, I just sit around most days, distracting myself, I guess running away from problems, and whilst I do moan and probably annoy many people, I feel that friends are abandoning me.


Perhaps I push them away, and it still feels like they 'criticize' me but again I don't actually know whether its me. I feel lost in a whirlwind really and I don't know how to get back on track and take the right direction. Ideally, I would like to be successful and set out to do what I aimed for. But with the academic year coming to a close and me not being able to take the necessary steps I feel a irresponsible. Today, I decided to write this because I was supposed to be at university all day, instead I couldn't face the fact that I hadn't done any work; and the fact I have no motivation to go on anymore, I just kind of turned away from it all. So I just stayed at home. Sooner of later they will approach me because my attendance will fall, but it just seems that they don't understand that its easier said than done, to be able to approach someone when you are anxious. It seems its made me even more worse. I wish I didn't keep everything inside, because it seems I suffer in silence.

I am really at my wits end and don't know what to do, or how to seek help. I moved to a different area and so had to change GP, I have a medical card which states me GP but I have no idea where the surgery/practice is. It states his/her name, and I searched it online and found a few interesting leads. But I do believe that there is some form of error on my medical card since I cannot find a person with that exact name in any of the practicing surgeries here. Thank you for reading.

[Perna]

Royal, so sorry you are going through all this. It does not sound like you are ready for the school experience yet. This is only a few months of your entire life so far; I would withdraw from school for this semester, take incompletes or whatever you have to and maybe try life at a smaller school for a course over the summer so you can understand the rhythms of school. Just retreating will not work! You can only retreat so far into your head before you run out of room!

Make a totally concrete, small, unemotional plan with steps to achieve it and start working on it? Withdraw from this mess, make sure your finances are organized, decide on a single course to take and/or a small job to do and get that little juggling act working. Then you can think about something larger. It sounds like you just weren't ready for more and when the finances got out of true then everything starting falling apart. Now you know! Next time you will make sure the finances are there and try again and see how that goes.