Fear of Sex *Adult*

Although I have been searching for resources on this issue for the last several months, I have frustratingly been unable to find resources online that could help me with this, therefore here I am on PsychCentral.

Yes I have an unbelievable fear of sex. Worst than all other fears I have combined it seems (and I have a lot of fears!).

As a child I was sexually abused. Until recently I have never told anyone about this, but over the last few months I have been unwinding a little each time about my abusive past. It has surprised several individuals that have known me for a long time, and they’ve all said I make more sense now to them.

In addition to the abuse I endured, I also have been diagnosed with being on the autism spectrum; having OCD; both Social and Generalized Anxiety; Major Depression; and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

How I see sex is almost indescribable. (I’m about to cry.) I think whenever I think about, hear, or am otherwise triggered by something sexual that I go into shock, like a mental blackout. It’s like I am being hit by a freight train of anxiety and I become this rock that is totally locked up and frozen.

I don’t know what to do about this. Nobody seems to understand what it is like for me. Yes I see a counselor but I am nevertheless stuck in this rut.

Advice?

((Mr Venomous)) - you're not alone in feeling this way and I'm very sorry you endured sexual abuse. There was question in the Q&A section yesterday and this man also has an extreme fear of sex, to the point he's vomited. I saw an Oprah show last year on the subject of men who were abused and the audience had 200 men who were holding pics of themselves at the age they were abused - it was so sad to see them crying and telling their stories.

The guest was the famous Tyler Perry and he spoke of how scared he was trying to have sex, with him shaking and running out of the room. If you could, would you like to eventually have an intimate relationship? What does your counselor say? Men are more likely to hide past abuse, due to shame and feeling like they were weak ...which isn't true.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you! Has your counsellor brought up anything along the lines of a systematic desensitization for any of your fears? I believe it's the the most successful treatment, although it can be very challenging for the patient. I guess if your counsellor isn't helping it might be time to try someone else?

I guess the best way to put it is that what happened to you, the abuse, was NOT sex, it was a horrible experience where someone was taking your choices away from you and displaying their power over you, sexual abuse is rarely only about the actual sexual act. Sex is something that is between two consenting adults where both have mutual control of the situation and can speak honesty about what is happening. It might help of you are able to make this distinction in your head?

I hope things will improve for you!

I posted the question you cited on the Q&A section.

I think I would like to have an intimate relationship in the future; however, I have to admit, it seems like a far-fetched fantasy to me, being on the autism spectrum and unanimously rejected, ignored, shunned, and used by women

My counselor and I haven’t talked much on this subject - I’m somewhat hesitant to. It’s incredibly embarrassing and humiliating to discuss it, or so I find, therefore I typically prefer to hide behind a username and the anonymity of the Internet. The one time we did discuss it in more depth I cried in that session, which was horrible and shocking for me, because in the last 8 years of counseling sessions, although not with the same counselor, I have not cried once, and I am normally able to hide my emotions well behind a false appearance of calm and being in control

No I don’t think she has mentioned anything about systematic desensitization? Perhaps I will talk to her about that.

There is a lot of confusion I have about sex and what you talked about in the last paragraph that extends into the realm of relationships and love. For example, you discuss there being consenting adults, but to be honest I have never seen such an example of a relationship. All the relationships I have experienced and/or witnessed have always been about a power struggle, with one member either submitting or trying to break the more powerful member to take control for themselves.

I’m trying to feel better about a lot of things but this is an immensely difficult process

((Mr Venomous)) - I'm sorry this is so hard for you and its embarrassing. Please don't feel embarrassed. I agree with Mickey89 that a gradual desensitization would be a good idea. None of what happened was your fault and agree sexual abuse is more about violence and control, so re-framing this would help. I know for a fact you're not the only man who feels like this.

There are women who are kind and have patience - its best once you get to know a potential partner to be honest with her. I know some men think its weak to cry, but its not. Crying is a release of emotions and nothing wrong with that. I hope soon you'll be able to share so you can heal. You have nothing to be ashamed of - you were a victim but now you're a survivor.

It is hard for me. What exacerbates the issue for me is that I have intrusive thoughts about sexual subject - a symptom of OCD? I was diagnosed with OCD in 2007.

Discussing this with others is embarrassing to me. Mostly I talk to my best friend through email about it because I trust her considerably, but she doesn’t have the expertise to deal with this sort of subject, although she tries her best.

Sex seems so wrong to me. I am not even able to describe it. How could I or anyone do that and it not be abusive? It’s not exactly what I would consider ‘loving.’

It’s a stressful subject for me. My entire body is screaming when I think about it, which, unfortunately, is a common occurrence. A response I have always had to anxiety is to hold my breath - can be hard to deal with. While taking martial arts in high school my instructor had to instruct me to breathe or I would hold my breath the entire performance, and I’ve almost lost consciousness trying to talk to women.

I don’t really know how to reframe this? Even if I do discuss it in more detail with my counselor, it’s still strictly talking. How can I deal with a fear of sex without the sex? It’s like overcoming a fear of spiders without there being spiders. Talking about it doesn’t do much strictly by itself, or at least I don’t think so.

Although there are indeed kind and patient women, it is hard for me to see a successful future relationship with a woman like that because they seem to be few and far between . Truth of the matter is that I haven’t been able to find a woman that can like me enough to want to talk to me and be near me. Instead, as I have earlier stated on another thread, women take my money, insult me, shun me, lie to me, ignore me, and everything else, and this happens over and over again. When I am referred to vocational rehabilitation, the organization provides ‘friends’ (volunteers or paid individuals) to those with disabilities because of our difficulties developing relationships. I had a government-funded ‘friend’ when I was living in another province, and I have an Access 2 Entertainment card which provides financial incentives to those capable and willing to be around me. University was a fun time for me, too. I was told I would make lots of friends and have a wonderful time there. What really happened was that the entire class would ostracize me so much that nobody would sit near me. Happened in the library as well. Others intentionally avoiding me is a common occurrence despite all I am trying to do is be nice and friendly . So, yes, I am somewhat skeptical about a patient and kind woman wanting to be in a relationship with me. It is hurtful. I would love a kind and patient friend/woman to be around and talk to .

In 2008 I did have a relationship - she was incredible. I had never been hugged before and never had someone listen and respect me like that. We went traveling together and had so much fun. Unfortunately, her family hated me, and she blocked me on Facebook because she couldn’t do anything her family disapproved of . Soon our house was repossessed after my dad committed suicide.

I don’t really think crying is a form of weakness as much as…okay, I suppose I feel embarrassed by being seen as weak. Usually I need considerable trust in someone before I will show emotions in front of them. Most of the time I am walled off with no exterior displays of emotion.

Back here again .

This fear of mine is a real issue that affects me everyday and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s not entirely about me, either; it’s the whole subject matter. If my best friend had sex right now, I would have a nervous breakdown. Moreover, I am scarred of the sexual thoughts I have (I don’t even like admitting that I have them!).

I was talking to my counselor about the issue last Thursday and was somewhat upset at how she treated it, or at least how I interpreted her treatment of it, which happens sometimes with counselors. I kind of felt as though she was invalidating how much of a concern and issue I have with this subject.

I’ve tried using logic and whatnot to ease the anxiety I have, but it simply doesn’t work for me . And I also think this issue might have a lot to do with my medical care issues - I won’t allow a doctor to touch me most of the time. I will happily suffer what whatever issue I have before I will voluntarily allow a doctor to touch me anywhere. Let whatever infection, disease, injury, etc. make me ill or damage me - I don't care. You keep the doctors away from me though! Nobody be feeling or touching me!

I don’t know what to do .

And I apologize if the last message I posted here was a little aggressive

Hey Mr.Venomous! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your fear of sex. I have an intense fear of sex. I have basically ruined my intimate relationship with my fiance'. I was sexually abused as a child as well and raped many times in my adult life and I just can't have sex. Its weird because I used to have sex a lot to cope and I was in to prostitution and stripping etc... and I can't even handle my fiance' holding my hand or touching my leg or rubbing my back or wanting to kiss me. Its too triggering. The idea of sex is absolutely repulsive to me! So from one person to another, I know how you feel! Please feel free to message me if you ever have anything you wanna talk about!

Martina

Well at least you know why you have this fear. Even if you are a counselor, even they have their own issues. Try to apply your knowledge to yourself, or maybe have someone else evaluate you so you can talk to them. If you meet the right person, they'll understand your fear and wont push anything so dont worry