[whatbeanbelieved]

Today has sucked. Yesterday wasn't terribly better and the day before was just about as bad. I've joined this Daily Challenge affair and it keeps asking me how I felt most of today and most of yesterday... so I know that the mood is generally low. And I think if I don't tell someone - someone who will listen and/or read - I will actually implode from feeling all of this crap alone in a room with no one around to witness it.

Anyone ever feel like if someone else doesn't know about the things you're feeling, they won't be valid? I feel like this constantly. I used to be alone a lot as a child, and I wanted to be alone a lot as an adolescent. But since I moved out of home, last year, I've hated it. I can handle the logistics of it - mostly because I have to - but every next thing I do becomes more burdensome. Sometimes I wonder if moving in with my boyfriend was actually just an attempt to avoid loneliness? Or like an attempt to feel more secure, because we were getting back together after a painful break-up?

Of course, my mind is like this batty twisted thing, so ... the panic attacks and severe meltdowns only really started AFTER I moved in with him. It isn't uncommon for me to turn towards self-harm in these episodes, or to spend hours just ... crying. These are episodes that he calls "fights", which is, I think, an evaluation of the situation that a) I don't agree with and b) affects him really badly, because to him fights are like the antithesis of harmony and well-being and love and whatnot. As a result, though we're very fond of each other, we're separating, again... so for the fifth time in the last year and a half I'm shifting houses.

I want someone to know because I feel ... terribly, terribly alone right now. He's gone to a different city, in the week that I have to move - so I'm paralysed. I'm not paralysed when it comes to anyone else's needs, but it's really difficult to do things for myself and particularly for the purpose of moving, because like every aspect of my self is rejecting the idea. I'm scared, and I'm tired. I had to go to the last place I felt like this to even be ABLE to cry, and now that I have/am, I just... need someone to know.

Ever feel like you have a lot to give and no one wants it?

...okay, am done.

Thanks for sharing. It must be a very difficult time for you.
I hope for the best for you. Keep reaching out, because a lot of people
at SC care about you

[whatbeanbelieved]

Thank you for writing..