[DespondentDaisy]

So, I've always battled depression and anxiety. I'm on meds, but lately things have gotten out of control. As time until m y brother and his wife have their twins (tomorrow) I've been thinking more and more about death and suicide. I can't explain it. I've always had an underlying thought that I would die at my own hands. I've never been able to push it away. After a bad break up with a toxic friend several years back, I've never really recovered. I've dated a bit, but have more or less been alone(friendwise) aside from my family. Sometimes I feel like it would be best to start over. And honestly what keeps me going is not wanting to devastate my family if something were to happen to me.
While with life you've got to take the good with the bad, I feel like I stopped living three years ago. While I've made some improvements in terms of my living situation and my career, I'm still feel very distant from the life that I should have and the life I see everyone around me having. I think I got back together with my boyfriend because he keeps me alive. I think I broke up with him because I was sabotaging myself- I got back with him because I was not going to give up on us, as well as life. And so now I'm going to be an aunt.
And my mind goes back to my best friend in high school who was an aunt at age 18, whose mom talked to my mom and convinced me to stop contacting her for a while because she was in a mental hospital (and didn't tell me and I thought she was just at another boarding school on the east coast) I think of talking with her about growing old together and having our kids and grand kids play together and I wonder how she is and wish we had never lost contact (not the toxic friend I mentioned earlier).
Sometimes I just feel like I'm a shell of a person. I have this weed addiction that makes me feel good, but it prevents me from making progress in my career further- but at the same time I make some insightful emotional breakthroughs when I smoke. And so now I guess I'm posting to try and figure out if this is just an anxiety attack like symptom in response to the new stress of being an aunt or something else. Maybe after they have their babies these thought and feelings will subside? Because honestly, ever since my two brothers got married two years ago (before any of them were expecting) these feelings have been building up. Maybe this isn't the right place to be posting?

[roads]

Since these thoughts aren't anchored to anything very specific, this seems as good a place as any to post.

(((((DespondentDaisy))))). I think we all have what-if questions from yesterday. If we can't connect with them, it seems fruitless to hang on to much of it. Some times I guess we must simply make a choice between (A) moving on, or (B) tethering ourselves to a nebulous sort of "maybe"land that depends of something/one miraculously shaking out before things are over.

I had a sociology class in college, and in it the prof confirmed what I'd long suspected: some of us are a bit hung up on the idea of suicide. It's appealed to me ever since I discovered that people did such wthings--I was about eight. If someone were done with life--fatally sick or just tired of living--it seemed reasonable to me to end it. According to my prof, about 10% of everyone felt that way.

Sine women traditionally marry before men--and begin their families--it's not surprising really that both your brothers having the jump on you in these areas might have triggered a deep, emotional response. I hope those out to me wonderful, healthy, uncomplicated deliveries in the next fer hours of your niece and nephew ... that may break the mild sort of obsession you have with these births.

I hope so. From my perspective, I think your concerns are scattered too far afield to add up to any singular mental issue.

[DespondentDaisy]

Thanks. I just wanted to post and say that I've been feeling much better in recent days since the delivery of mu niece and nephew. I actually feel like I have a renewed vitality for life. I'm so excited and happy to be an aunt. I suppose I was having a panic attack of sorts. I've had them under control for the most part but I actually hadn't renewed my meds on time and so I guess I forgot what they feel like. I hope you're having a great weekend.

[DespondentDaisy]

Yeah, that was short lived. I think I have too much built up energy that needs to get out of me soon or I'm going to go nuts. I need to do something with my life! I was just about to post on the relationship page of my blunder with a friend. ;(