[shezbut]

I've asked this Q in a few forums so far, and have gotten a few responses, but none are from men. (I don't think so anyway.)

I am extremely insecure. While men tell me that I'm beautiful, and have a great body, I always see them looking at other women. If I were so beautiful why does my bf have to look and enjoy looking at other women? I was born insecure, so this isn't anything new to me. But it BUGS me beyond description! How can I feel secure in my "beauty" when bf's are often mentioning other ladie's good looks and hot bodies???

Please help me guys!! Thank you for your personal opinion on this hot opic of mine.

[Miswimmy1]

I think you won't truly feel beautiful until you accept yourself... Being beautiful on the outisde doesn't mean that you are beautiful on the inside. I consider beauty to be how beautiful your heart it, your talents, all the great things about yourself that not everyone has. Look at those things and tell yourself that you ARE beautiful.

Hi Shezbut... I'm an old married guy, so I hope my answers can help. Some of this is a little genetics (No excuse though). Young guys, myself included, are Stupid too

One thing for sure... If he says you are beautiful, take the compliment I'm sure you are beautiful

My wife told me on our first date how much it bothered her when guys staired at other women when they were with her. "I Took note of this" and she has not gotten rid of me yet

Another thing I used to be guilty of was in my un-diagnosed ADD days. I did not intentionally look at other women, but being easily distracted, if something moved and caught my periferal vision I looked. This could be man, woman or beast... This was only noticed when it was a woman of course.

I'm sorry, because many guys are an embarassment to me. It is THEM, not you If you notice the behavior, mention it, they might be oblivious to the fact. (Guys are Stupid)

I think both of the answers above are great... not sure I can add anything to them so I'll just reinforce them by agreeing.
It doesn't mean anything when he does that... maybe try to make light of it and give him a gentle prod in the ribs

[valyn9]

It's not really cool if he's not considering your feelings or looking longer than is polite. I also feel like, at least for guys, there's a certain amount of liking and enjoying physical beauty that doesn't imply lust or regret over your SO. Nice-looking women are nice-looking is all, and what I think of in particular is what a female aircraft pilot bread-winner in a relationship said about her less traditional role, that all that's important is that he still loves her when she comes home. It kind of impressed me. As long as he still loves you, you know? It might be nice too if you don't have to feel bad about yourself if you enjoy the sight of a good-looking guy. Idk.

[hamster-bamster]

Well, it is not a mutually exclusive statement to say that you are beautiful and some other women are beautiful, too. You are not the only beautiful woman on Earth! I know it is very hard to accept it, but it is the statistical reality.

Do you appreciate beauty of other women?

[dailyhealing]

Hi shezbut, I just found this post on here... I am a guy and married. I suppose I look at other women from time to time, I think it's a guy thing. But I don't do it excessively, and thankfully it's not an issue for my wife (perhaps it would be if I did it excessively...).

If you are insecure about it though I would encourage you to talk to your bf about it. Maybe you already have. But I don't think it's a statement about you that he looks at other women. Having said that, it does bother you so that's where you are. And that's okay. Insecurity happens, I can be very insecure about many things!

This response was a bit rambly... But I hope it makes sense. I think in a relationship communication is most important, especially when it comes to things that bother us. They can build up if we are not careful...

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Well, it is not a mutually exclusive statement to say that you are beautiful and some other women are beautiful, too. You are not the only beautiful woman on Earth! I know it is very hard to accept it, but it is the statistical reality.

Do you appreciate beauty of other women?

Hi hamster-bamster,

Of course I realize that I'm not the prettiest woman on Earth ~ far from it! The part that bothers me is that I don't get my jollies looking at other men. Why is it acceptable the other way around?

I certainly do recognize lots of other women as being beautiful. I have no problem recognizing that statistical reality. The problem is recognizing that women of all sizes, personality quirks, etc are beautiful in their own unique ways. My intense fear is that there is no such thing as safety & security in romantic relationships.

[Jan1212]

It's okay to notice someone beautiful, but it would hurt to see if a BF is "looking and enjoying and mentioning how beautiful other women are" in front of me... I don't really know the exact situation though. I notice my fiance glance at other women while we're together, but then again, he looks at everyone. But it does happen, of course I wouldn't want Mr. Wandering Eyes, but I also don't want to control what he sees or what he thinks. It's difficult but, shezbut, he chose you so you must have something other women don't.

So comforting. Great advice.

Originally Posted by shezbut

I've asked this Q in a few forums so far, and have gotten a few responses, but none are from men. (I don't think so anyway.)

I am extremely insecure. While men tell me that I'm beautiful, and have a great body, I always see them looking at other women. If I were so beautiful why does my bf have to look and enjoy looking at other women? I was born insecure, so this isn't anything new to me. But it BUGS me beyond description! How can I feel secure in my "beauty" when bf's are often mentioning other ladie's good looks and hot bodies???

Please help me guys!! Thank you for your personal opinion on this hot opic of mine.

yeah this is full on!

I screwed up this one time for real I never recovered from it!

it seemed harmless enough....?....but my girlfriend noticed it I didn't ...
and the thing is I adored her beyond reason!

my girlfriend arranged a weekend away for us both and on the first evening in the restaurant the waitress was maybe a bit too nice to me at the table....my attention slipped for just that bit too long and Natalie picked up on this and the weekend was ruined!

I don't know why I drifted like that?...a females attention is seductive any which way I don't know.?

I will never do that again....take my eyes off the girl I'm with.

but honestly?

boys are kinda foolish real bad and all girls easily get the attention of boys....

I don't know how to keep a boys eyes off any girl...kinda' like to think it's a good thing cos when he gets to be alone with the girl he loves... then it's just freaking amazing!

Yay! That is good news. Live and learn is what I do.

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

Yay! That is good news. Live and learn is what I do.

6 out of 7 dwarfs.....clever funny

hehe

see how easy it is for a boy to be distracted!

girls are the emotional elite

funny as all hell and just needy enough to share themselves with us boys.

we got no hope.

but thats ok

when we are ignoring you girls we are just re-grouping!

trying to un-bewitch ourselves

it's a sensual minefield and blow my legs off just like most guys gonna crawl without limbs to get nowhere but to just be amongst it

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Hi hamster-bamster,

Of course I realize that I'm not the prettiest woman on Earth ~ far from it! The part that bothers me is that I don't get my jollies looking at other men. Why is it acceptable the other way around?

I certainly do recognize lots of other women as being beautiful. I have no problem recognizing that statistical reality. The problem is recognizing that women of all sizes, personality quirks, etc are beautiful in their own unique ways. My intense fear is that there is no such thing as safety & security in romantic relationships.

I very rarely find men attractive. Do you? I am trying to get at what is going on with you - do you find other men attractive and prohibit yourself from looking at them or do you just not find them attractive?

[hamster-bamster]

When my now ex, then would be second husband started to date me, he was at times noticing very pretty girls. Years later he explained to me that my beauty was so arousing, so sensual that his appreciation of all beauty around him became heightened. Hence he was noticing other women - it was a reflection of my beauty.

Try to think about it this way. I do not think you can put it in better words than he did.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I very rarely find men attractive. Do you? I am trying to get at what is going on with you - do you find other men attractive and prohibit yourself from looking at them or do you just not find them attractive?

Interesting Q, hamster-bamster.

I do find men to be attractive, but I really don't allow myself to enjoy the view ~ whether I'm alone or with others. Their bodies or faces never come into fantasies.

I actually feel intense shame whenever I fantasize...even about my bf. I certainly can't allow myself to fantasize about other men!! When I do feel excited, I disengage with the sensation. It's like I repress my sexuality most of the time. Maybe due to my SA as a child and teenager??

Now, that's not to say that I avoid sex with my bf. I do aim to please him in whatever ways that I can. Sometimes, I'm able to let my walls down and really enjoy the sex mostly without shame.

Does this explain my perspective better?

Yes. I am very similar. Because of an ingrown fear of men, in a sense, I do not necessarily consider their bodies or faces attractive either. I could not understand why the same was not true of my husband, in regards to females other than myself. It has taken me a long time to grow in my sexual life, to become healthy. I still struggle with it daily. I have created a routine for myself that helps me. Before I know were about to become intimate, I tell myself, "This is my husband, whom I chose to marry. He loves me. He and I are very close. We will be united as one in holy matrimony. We have fun together, and bring each other mutual pleasure. He cares if I am happy. He tries to please me. I am a willing participant in this event. I am choosing to enjoy myself with the person I love." Although it may not sound sexy, it does mentally prepare me for the unfolding events. It allows me the freedom, and permission, to engage in a healthy manner. This has helped me to overcome some of the issues you have mentioned. Hope this helps my friend.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Interesting Q, hamster-bamster.

I do find men to be attractive, but I really don't allow myself to enjoy the view ~ whether I'm alone or with others. Their bodies or faces never come into fantasies.

I actually feel intense shame whenever I fantasize...even about my bf. I certainly can't allow myself to fantasize about other men!! When I do feel excited, I disengage with the sensation. It's like I repress my sexuality most of the time. Maybe due to my SA as a child and teenager??

Now, that's not to say that I avoid sex with my bf. I do aim to please him in whatever ways that I can. Sometimes, I'm able to let my walls down and really enjoy the sex mostly without shame.

Does this explain my perspective better?

It sure does! SA can screw one up sexually and non-sexually for life, if you do not fight it! I have had my fair share, from my dad when I was an adolescent. Not too bad - no penetration, just improper caressing and being almost naked in bed together - but still deeply traumatizing, in retrospect.

So you need to work on it! You need to start allowing yourself to look at men at least when you are alone and to engage in fantasy, at least about your bf, on a regular basis. Would these be two small steps you'd be willing to take now?

I find women attractive more often than I find men attractive, even though I am squarely and vehemently heterosexual. Go figure.

[Psychstew]

If he is ogling other woman and talking about how "hot" they are that is rude and insensitive. I am like you in someways. I have had self esteem issues and jealousy issues as well.How can you know there is security in any relationship? Especially when so many cheat on or leave their spouse. It is something that you will have to learn to cope with. You will have to accept that any man you are with will still see the beauty of other woman and that should be ok as long as you are the one he finds most attractive. Attraction is more than just liking physical appearance. He is probably attracted to your personality and your looks plus your his girl and he chose you. Now people do change and feelings change but if your in a strong committed relationship where both parties want it to work than you must trust each other. That can be hard when you are used to being suspicious or jealous but those things will ruin a relationship. You have to just be happy to be with the one you love and who loves you. You can't go looking for bad things to happen just keep your eyes open and if they do, you work from there. I don't know the whole situation but from a general standpoint this is how I deal with my own jealous behavior.

[Piraeus]

I am a people watcher. I like to have awareness of what is going on around me. It doesn't matter if it is man or women. I just like to look at people.
My ex used to hate this. She would get so mad, and I don't know why. I was just looking. My rule is you can look but no touching. I am a man. I think about sex every fifty seconds of every day. It's in our genes.

Here lately I have not had much desire for sex. The meds are making me sterile. I still like to watch people. The reason I look at people is because I
enjoy it. I hope nobody else has this problem.

Piraeus

[Thoughtbubble]

If you want to hear an 18 yr old hormonally charged guy's opinion: beauty is in the little imperfections. I check out women whether or not I think they are beautiful, it's all hormones and instinct, let the love and respect shine through

[doggiedo]

I agree that it chemical...humans were made to reproduce...I think a lot just has to do with instinct. good comments above tho.