[RatherDream]

I am not sure how to properly describe my anxiety issues. I have written and rewritten this post to get it right, but never do I feel I am getting to the point.

Anxiety is starting to cause obvious trouble in my life. As a senior in high school, I have a lot to think about and it isn't helping me in the slightest. Because of that, my grades are now suffering and I have fallen in a slump. My thoughts are consumed by my future and how much of a failure I am and will be and how I must be disappointing everyone around me. I had therapy for six months or so and it seemed to help for a year after I stopped (my junior year of high school, I made honor roll both semesters). But now that I am closer to being my own person and deciding what I want to do with my life, I can't help but fall into pieces and wish the world would stop turning for a moment so I could catch up.

I am consumed by worries and I find I need to distract myself with anything to stop the thoughts, even during school hours. I click a pen top over and over, bite my nails (I am a very bad nail bitter and I use to go so far to accidentally cause bleeding), play with an eraser that you can mold, tap my pencil against the desktop, etc. At home, I am constantly on the Internet. So much so that I rarely leave my room. I know I am doing it to distract myself and in the end it only causes more worry because I ultimately lose track of time. I forget about my homework or projects and it ends up being too late to do them or I have to stay up until 1 in the morning to have them close to even being finished. I hate that I am doing this to myself, but I can't seem to stop. Even now I am doing it, but even thinking about the work I have to do stresses me out.

Also, I have the tendency to fall into these strange attacks that seem short of a panic attack. They almost always happen at night and when I am falling asleep as that is when I worry the most (it takes me a good 30 mins to an hour to finally fall asleep each night). These "attacks" happen at least once a month on average and usually last only ten seconds or so if I can distract myself with something (usually TV, as I literally cannot even function right to login into my computer; I can barely even turn my bedside lamp on). My mind begins racing as well as my heart and I start to hyperventilate. I /have/ to move around and do something or the attack gets worse. I am not sure what they are as they are not as bad as how people describe panic attacks.

I really just want my anxiety to go away. My mom use to take Xanax and at the time I would actually think about take a pill or two at times because my worries were so overwhelming (I ended up never doing so at the fear and worry of being caught). I would like to take medication, but I am only 17 and their are risks that I understand could happen. Not only that, but I feel as if my doctor would blow it off and I will end up going home worrying that things will never get better and that no one understands.

While therapy helped, it takes forever for me to open up and let someone into my problems. Even my own mom, who I trust everything with. My throat closes up so bad it hurts and I find that even though I know what I want to say, I can't and I end up wasting a thirty minute session on me staring at my T's shoes. It took a good while to open up to my last T and even then he misdiagnosed me with ADHD (a short time after that is when I stopped seeing him and I stopped taking the medication Adderol; it helped with my concentration issues, but not my worries and it would make me feel nauseous all the time) I am not sure how I was fine for so long afterwards, but maybe it was something to do with a placebo effect because now I feel like I am crawling right back to square one of my problems.

[ThatGirl47]

You and I are in the same boat right now. I have not been to therapy yet. I do have a question for you though: How did you tell your mom you wanted to go to therapy in the first place? I am scared to tell mine.

[RatherDream]

Therapy kinda came to me mostly do to my mix of depression and anxiety. I was having a meltdown (this was one or two years ago) and it was either therapy or suicide watch. Luckily, I'm not that bad anymore and I doubt I ever will be, but I still have my problems (which, as said in the post, just seem to be getting worse again).

I didn't like therapy all too much, but I understand it is good when you need it. Have you explained to your mom your problems? Kinda shed a little light on the subject? If you have a history of her noticing your anxiety and asking you about it, I would think that if you told her you are thinking about therapy she would consider it. If not, I would suggest explaining in detail the problems you are having and how you feel it would really work. I would also suggest promising that you will open up to your T in time so that she understands you are making an attempt at getting better.

Don't be afraid to ask if you really feel it would make a difference in your life. You just have to let some people in so you can get help.