[hobbitsocks]

Hi, everyone.

I'm a young person with huge dreams, a big mouth, and an even bigger heart. But for some time now I've been feeling lowly about myself.

Ever since I was 12, I've had these uncontrollable thoughts (I say they are uncontrollable because a) I know I care for these people I think about, b) I feel like **** for thinking them, and c) they just pop up when I don't need them to.

First, it started as an obsession with hurting others. My first thought I remember was me punching my mother and asking her if she were okay in a snotty tone. I remember just going to my room and crying about it.

Then it progressed into other kinds of thoughts: obsessions about rape, wishing things upon people, and calling other people names.

A lot has happened in the past few years that I think has turned me, to some degree, bitter. I have only ever been diagnosed with a mood disorder (NOS), bulimia, ODD, and schizoaffective disorder. I know I have anxiety that is really bad, which would be the only other explanation for these thoughts.

They sometimes go away on there own, but for months now, they've taken over my mind. I don't want anyone else to know about these thoughts, because I already think I'm a bad enough person--whether these thoughts are about hurting other people or me getting hurt. They make me anxious and they are just so repetitive and get worse over time.

I'm not even sure what it is. Sometimes I'll tell myself not to think those thoughts at this moment, then end up doing it anyway. It's sort of like this weight is lifted off my shoulders when I do think them. Then I feel guilty and the cycle starts over again and again. It's hours wasted on ****, and I just don't get what is wrong.

I'm not sure what to do or who to turn to at this point. I can't get therapy, but not only because I don't have insurance to cover it or money out of my pocket, but also because I'm scared to face it in person.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what it may be (maybe OCD? maybe not?)? And if so, please, if you can relate, how do you cope with them?

Thank you!

[Travelinglady]

Hi! I'm not qualified to diagnose, but there does seem to be an obsessive aspect to the thoughts. Are there no cheap clinics around you might go to?

There is a technique called "thought stopping." I hesitate to mention it, given I'm not a therapist, but it involves putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it so there's some pain when a thought occurs that's undesired.

I'm wondering, though, if these thoughts are associated with anger you feel toward these people. Obviously you don't want to carry them out. Are there things you can do to feel nice about yourself and to calm yourself down? Relaxing music? A bubble bath? A book with lots of humor? Petting an animal? Good smells? A cup of cocoa? (And so forth.) Things that might take your anger down and distract yourself?

Also, you might post in the forums associated with the things you have been diagnosed with, to see if anyone has any ideas there.

Let me know how things are going. Okay?

Inappropriate thoughts...disturbing thoughts. I'm not qualified to diagnose you either but I can tell you that you aren't alone. And it doesn't mean you will act on them or that you are a bad person. I've also read that these thoughts can come with anxiety and/or OCD.
I think you really should try to find some help with this though. There's no reason you should have to continue on like that.

[hobbitsocks]

Thank you for your reply! I understand that no one here--well, most here--aren't qualified to diagnose others here. Even so, it's nice to know what it sounds like it could be from others.

I have tried the rubber band technique with other things, and, to be honest, I don't like to use it, because I do come from a self-harming background. Things can get pretty ugly there, but thank you.

I think maybe they could be [the thoughts are from anger], but I'm not so sure, in the end. I know it's okay to feel anger, hurt, sadness, etc, but these thoughts are just too much. I end up thinking I'm an evil person for them. Usually, I block out how I feel. I tend to get so upset when I let the feelings be felt, and I'm afraid of that.

I have, actually, figured out some really nice coping skills with my eating disorder and things. I've learned when to talk and when to shut up when talking to certain people. And sometimes I just need to read something inspiring (like on Tumblr or here) and my temper cools down. Thanks for the suggestions. I could use some cocoa, to be honest.

Today has been pretty decent, so far. I do fear being bitter towards others, and have found that I easily get upset when things are brought up, even without intention, that remind me of the things that have been said and done, even if they don't mean much now.

Thanks, again.

[Maven]

Thoughts are not the same as urges. You know if you'd actually do what you're thinking. If you know you'd never do what you're thinking, try to comfort yourself with the knowledge that those thoughts are nothing more than thoughts. If you can learn not to stress when the thoughts occur, they'll probably become fewer and weaker. I wish you the best.

I'm not crazy about that rubber band thing either lol. What's next... a choker chain for dogs
There is always anger but I don't think the anger is always for the people that the thoughts involve. I've had fleeting thoughts of punching some of the sweetest and most helpful people in my life for absolutely no reason. You can imagine how that made me feel. So I understand. I don't know what causes the thoughts but it was explained to me by two pdocs that I am not the thoughts. Neither are you.
I very very rarely get those thoughts anymore. They still bother me a lot. I figure that is a good sign.
I'm writing this half asleep so I'll stop rambling now. Hang on..it can get better and very likely will.

Originally Posted by hobbitsocks

Thank you for your reply! I understand that no one here--well, most here--aren't qualified to diagnose others here. Even so, it's nice to know what it sounds like it could be from others.

I have tried the rubber band technique with other things, and, to be honest, I don't like to use it, because I do come from a self-harming background. Things can get pretty ugly there, but thank you.

I think maybe they could be [the thoughts are from anger], but I'm not so sure, in the end. I know it's okay to feel anger, hurt, sadness, etc, but these thoughts are just too much. I end up thinking I'm an evil person for them. Usually, I block out how I feel. I tend to get so upset when I let the feelings be felt, and I'm afraid of that.

I have, actually, figured out some really nice coping skills with my eating disorder and things. I've learned when to talk and when to shut up when talking to certain people. And sometimes I just need to read something inspiring (like on Tumblr or here) and my temper cools down. Thanks for the suggestions. I could use some cocoa, to be honest.

Today has been pretty decent, so far. I do fear being bitter towards others, and have found that I easily get upset when things are brought up, even without intention, that remind me of the things that have been said and done, even if they don't mean much now.

Thanks, again.