[Cyanbelle]

I am 24 years old, female and living in Europe. I have psychological problems: BPD, PTSD, severe anxiety, social anxiety and I often have nightmares. My father is the only person that cares about me and the only biological family member that I trust. I grew up with an abusive mother who physically and mentally abused me throughout the years. She has no regrets (I have told her about my traumas today!) and I have broke the contact with her because I find her to be overly controlling, destructive and mentally abusive (she has been manipulating me, lying to me and mocking me for years). My mother's family are conservative muslims who won't accept me as the one I am; a European girl with western values. They have been trying to make me convert into their faith for years. I am not muslim and I will never be. I have nothing against muslims, but I (as an atheist) do not believe in any god. Because of the cultural differences between Europe and the muslim world, it is very difficult for me to have contact with the family on my mother's side. Their values are totally different from mine when it comes to women's rights, homosexuality, children's rights, human rights, individual rights etc. I have nothing against muslims (or any religion), as long as they are not trying to push their faith on me. My one and only friend where I live is muslim, but he is not pushing his beliefs on me!
My mother ran away from her family when she was in her early twenties and she married my father (a European man). She later regained contact with her family and she is on their side rather than mine.
The family on my father's side are like strangers to me. They treat me like a stranger and I don't feel welcome at all in their homes. I have always lived far away from them and I have barely met them (less than 10 times in my life). My father has no contact with his family and the siblings are split. When my father grew up, his mother had a favourite child (his youngest sister). I believe that fact is causing the family to be split! I had a psychological uncle (much closer than any biological uncle of mine) who was a close friend of my father. He was the most central person in my life, next to my father. He taught me a lot of what I know today! When I was sixteen, he met a woman that he married a year later. He "disappeared" from my life and almost never contacted me again. He sends some money for my birthday today, but I want back my uncle! I don't want his money! I want to talk with him and visit him! I have tried to regain contact with him, but he is always using the excuse that he has no time, that I am an adult now (and can stand on my own), that I don't need him anymore etc. This makes me sad! Everytime I tried to call him the last seven years, I felt like a burden! I felt like he didn't want anything to do with me! I gave up regaining the contact with him because I felt like a burden and a loser everytime! I don't want his money! It is like he thinks he can buy me/get off with sending money for Christmas and my birthday every year. When I was a child, he swore to me and my father that he would be like a surrogate uncle to me! When I tell people (helplines, psychologists, my one and only friend) about my fear about my father dying and asks them what I should do if he dies, they tell me the same phrase; that I will eventually get married and have children! I don't know if I want to marry and have children! I want to finish my education! I want to prioritize education over having children! And if I ever marry, I want to do so out of love, not out of desperation! I am crying and crying, night after night, thinking about what will happen if my father dies. I have no one to turn to. No childhood friends because of my mother moving around a lot (I have lived in at least thirteen houses throughout my life!). She was never happy and always wanted the biggest, best house! She didn't care how this moving around would affect me! I am rootless and I virtually don't know what to answer when people ask me where I come from! I don't feel at home anywhere! I want a family, but I don't want to have children (at least not now)! Is it possible to form close, family-like, platonic bonds with people? Can I ever have the grandmother I never had? The aunt I never had? The cousin I never had? Do I have to form a romantic relationship with a person in order to get a family-like relation in my life?
I am not suicidal, but I often have thoughts about committing suicide if my father dies. If he dies, I see no reason to live! There is no one to turn to! My one and only friend has health issues and a young daughter and he is not a person who talks about problems! I feel like it doesn't matter for the rest of my biological family if I live or die! My father has health issues: inflammatory bowel disease, high blood pressure (treated with medications) and recently diagnosed diabetes type 2. His recent ECG/EKG result (when hospitalized) was atypical. I am fearing angina!!! No infarction or angina was found while he was hospitalized, but he will be sent to a heart specialist and on another EKG (exercise EKG). I have asked my father many times, and he says he experiences no chest pains when walking, running, lifting heavy things etc. Reason why he was sent to the hospital was because of a diffuse feeling of tingling in his chest, his head and one of his arms some days ago. The doctor said that it could be a blood sugar/diabetes related problem. I am still worried that he may have developed angina! I worry everyday that my father will die of heart disease or stroke!
I cry, cry, cry and cry!
I have tried to tell my father about my worries, but he soon brushes it off. It is like he won't talk about it! He is telling me that it only worsens his situation when I always mention my worries.........
One good thing......... My father is determined to quit smoking (and I am trying to too). He hasn't touched a cigarette since he got home from the hospital (five days ago)! And he has been eating very healthily the last five days.
I read articles that 2 out of 3 diabetics die of heart disease or stroke! I don't want my father to be one of them!!!
I can't stop worrying and I can't control my thoughts. Ever since my father has gotten home from the hospital, I have worried, worried and worried! I haven't been able to do much else!
The fear of my father dying has been there for some years, but it has only gotten worse the last year and especially the last days, after he was diagnosed with diabetes and had an atypical EKG result (without knowing what is the cause).

What can I do with it? How can I stop worrying about my father? How can I form close relationships with people, without actually being forced to have children or marry? (as mentioned earlier, I don't want to do these things out of desperation!)
I have severe social anxiety and I have pretty much given up on forming new friendships. After my personal experience, most people my age (in their young adulthood) are more interested in drinking, partying and having a superficial chit-chat over a coffee than actual real friendship. They fear commitment and all they want is fun! They are not willing to "adopt" a new family member.............

I don't want to commit suicide if my father dies. I am sure he doesn't want it! I am sure he wants me to live! I have tried to tell him multiple times that I fear that I'll kill myself if he dies. It's like he doesn't believe me! It's like he doesn't understand how isolated and lonely I am! It's like he doesn't understand that if he dies, I have nothing and no one to live for!

I have been sleeping in my father's apartment since he left the hospital. I won't leave him! Is this natural? I want to be there for him if anything should happen in the middle of the night.............
I am trying to hide my concern for him and my worries. I want him to live a long, healthy life without severe health complications! I don't want him to be forced to go through future pain and hospitalizations...........

I had to write this! I can no longer hide my feelings................

[CharactorAssassin]

You don't have to believe in god like everyone else does. Ego identification and the whole bit no.
But what about a higher power that exists as a conscious being. You could call it nature. You don't have to be delusional. You can just believe in a loving presence that will look after you.
Its that such a bad thing? To me its not about any one religion. The religious books have coping skills in them. Good things in them. If something in there is useful would you reject the whole thing because your an atheist? What I'm saying is maybe its better to believe a higher power in the universe is looking out for you like your father and you have nothing to worry about. Isn't it better to think that way then be in constant anguish over things. I'm saying you can be at peace with yourself now.

[CharactorAssassin]

Like here's a way to think about things especially in your circumstance from the bible.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ...

[CharactorAssassin]

So basically you don't have to worry about anything because its all taken care of even at the worst of times. I hope that helps.

[Cyanbelle]

Originally Posted by CharactorAssassin

You don't have to believe in god like everyone else does. Ego identification and the whole bit no.
But what about a higher power that exists as a conscious being. You could call it nature. You don't have to be delusional. You can just believe in a loving presence that will look after you.
Its that such a bad thing? To me its not about any one religion. The religious books have coping skills in them. Good things in them. If something in there is useful would you reject the whole thing because your an atheist? What I'm saying is maybe its better to believe a higher power in the universe is looking out for you like your father and you have nothing to worry about. Isn't it better to think that way then be in constant anguish over things. I'm saying you can be at peace with yourself now.

I see what you are saying, but I don't believe in God (or any higher being). Sorry. It is not a choice I made. I can't choose what to believe or not.

To me, believing in God is like believing in Santa Claus and the Toothfairy. I don't judge people who believe in God, Santa or the Toothfairy, but I just can't believe in them.

For many people, believing in God is a good way to cope with their problems, but I just don't have that dimension. And I won't pretend there is a God just to cope with my problems. I see the world in a different world than people who believe in God.

[CharactorAssassin]

You're gonna be looked after. Everything is gonna be alright. Just keep believing that.

[unaluna]

It is admirable that you care for your father that much. I hope you do stop smoking, as that would also affect his health, not only yours. You are right in thinking that education is your ticket to freedom. But you do not mention what you hope to specialize in. I think the sooner you start on that road, the faster you will calm down, by taking control of your life.

[thunderbear]

Im so sorry you are going through this. I havent got a family either. Also due to their religious views (Christian) & mine (Gnostic)..... you asked does a person have to have a romantic relationship to have a family type relationship. & the answer is no. You choose your family. And family doent have to.ve blood or due to anything romantic. I have a couple of wonderful friends that I love and cherish, sometimes more than I do my blood family.

[Jolisse]

Hi Cyanbelle,
At your age I had the same feelings about my mom. I even told myself, when she dies, I would have to die also.
I'm twice you're age and my mom passed 2yrs. ago and I'm still here. I still grieve and miss her dearly, but I have a family now and I'm not alone.
As you grow older, you're life is going to change. You will have people around you to help you through the tough times.
Love and spend time with your dad now, stop thinking about his death.

[liveforfish]

I can understand your fear of losing your dad. Sounds like he's all you have. It must be so scary for you.

I disagree that having your own family one day will help. Sounds like college is what you'd like. I'm hopeful you'll make friends in school eventually.

I pray for your dad and you.

[Cocosurviving]

I hate this happened to you and hope you
resolve it.