[pinefield43]

One week ago I woke up in the night from really bad abdominal pain, and instead of going away it kept getting stronger and stronger until six hours later I was dropped off by my aunt at the ER five minutes away. The pain felt so bad I couldn't sit or stand, it just kept coming in waves. I was put in a bed and the pain subsided till it only radiated from my left side. The doctor explained to me that since my appendix and gallbladder were on my right side, it had to be something else. After urine and blood tests and a MRI, they figured out I had an inflamed area of my colon caused by acute diverticulitis. Being only in my twenties it was weird that something like this could happen to me, but later I realized I had a bad habit of delaying trips to the bathroom so often because I was preoccupied with sitting at my desk in front of the computer.

I was treated with antibiotics, levaquin and flagyl, through an IV drip. After eight hours I was out of the hospital and walking around. I was prescribed three medications, the two antibiotics given to me and a painkiller. I was perfectly fine that evening and went to bed peacefully.

The next day however, was not so good. Since I took the painkiller along with antibiotics, and not being used to taking antibiotics orally, I felt nauseous. I had forced myself to go to college to drop off a book at the library. I threw up when I got home. Since then I did not take the painkillers because I was not in pain anymore. Only with the antibiotics were things manageable. Already having anxiety diagnosed by my counselor and being the worrisome person I was, the side-effects of my medication felt worse. I made things worse later by going on the Internet and looking up adverse effects of my medication. This shot my anxiety through the roof. I felt so scared that I called my primary doctor, pharmacist, and gastroenterologist, who advised me it probably was nothing since the risk of adverse effects is really low. Still, I was unconvinced and stopped taking the medication after three days. I couldn't handle being nauseous and having a headache and worrying all the time about my side-effects.

The same day I stopped my medication I went to see the nurse after my legs started hurting and fearing joint inflammation. She quickly assessed I was overreacting and just feeling anxious for taking the medication. She explained that taking two strong antibiotics would surely make me feel queasy, and that I had to keep taking them or else my infection would not go away and relapse. She was very knowledgeable about the subject since she had been treating this condition for over twelve years at her old job. And a quick test and examination showed I had no inflamed joints; my muscles had become so tense from the anxiety that it hurt.

So the next couple of days I kept taking my antibiotics and making sure I ate meals with them to reduce the side-effects. But I kept worrying so much that every little thing I felt I mistook for something serious. I felt isolated and miserable. I kept going to school because I still had the strength to move around and I was not so dizzy anymore or experiencing any strong headaches. I know rest is an important part of my recovery but I honestly didn't feel lethargic. Plus I needed to get out of the house and away from my mother who was giving me a hard time for being so anxious.

The real reason for posting came on Wednesday in my political science class when I felt a surge of anxiety I never had felt before. Earlier in the day I was looking for my friend who would help me deal with my anxiety issues since he had a bipolar brother and was familiar with what I was experiencing. I was really bummed out for not finding him since I said I would meet up with him earlier in the day but came late in the afternoon. In the class I couldn't concentrate and my head felt like a tight band squeezing. My jaw was clenched and my upper back was tingling. Breathing became difficult and I couldn't write notes steadily. I had feelings like I was losing myself in the classroom and felt impending doom. I had come to the quick realization I was in a full blown panic attack state and I couldn't get out of my chair and run because I had to give a short presentation to the class. I was resilient enough to stand in front of my classmates and present despite my mind racing and difficulty speaking because I was stuttering with some of my words. As soon as class was over I rushed to the health office.

It was less than one hour before closing so all I did was make another appointment with my counselor and also signing up for a chiropractic session to relieve my muscle tension. But my adrenaline was surging and my head felt like a tornado, so I asked the receptionist to see somebody for help, anybody to talk to. I was lucky that the male nurse there sympathized with what I was going through and related to me because he too suffered from anxiety. He told me how anxious he would get and all the symptoms he felt while working in the ER. It got bad enough that he convinced himself one time he had fibromyalgia and stood outside the doors of the same ER he worked waiting for the worst possible scenario. I felt so much better and we were laughing twenty minutes afterwards. I went home on the bus with only mild chest pain from the panic attack.

The next day I tried to look for my friend again but couldn't find him. He was nowhere on campus. I was getting bad heartburn from worrying and because of the medication. I had another panic attack in the afternoon but it was shorter and less intense than yesterday, but breathing slowly to relax was hard. I had also freaked out that day because my feet felt so warm even though it was a hot day and I was wearing black socks and black shoes. But again every little sensation was pushing me over the edge. Eventually I went home and tried to relax. Tomorrow would be the last day I take anymore medication.

So now here I am trying to reach out to someone as I wait for two weeks before my counseling session. It feels so unreal. I have cool friends, loving and responsible parents, and I am doing well at my community college. I want to be a writer. But anxiety has made things more difficult than it should. I feel I can't enjoy myself even in the company of friends, my parents seem more distant as we grow older, and studying feels tiresome and uninteresting. I am scared of not being able to achieve my dream of becoming a writer because my anxiety would prevent me from focusing on my stories.

Because I ponder so much on the past and everything around me to such a high degree, I feel that I have rediscovered more that has lead to my condition. I was bullied in middle school, which was terrible in itself, but it was the fact I had lost trust in my best friend for so many years made me very depressed and consumed with rage. I went to a private high school afterwards and made new and better friends. My senior year however, was miserable because I felt incompetent and unsure what I wanted to do after graduation. The stress of honors classes and not wanting to just immediately transition into a university setting made me depressed again and my grades suffered for it. After graduation I didn't want to do anything for a year. Eventually I applied to a private art school to become a graphic artist, but I dropped out after more than a year because I was struggling and there were internal problems happening at the school that really irritated the students. It also greatly disturbed me to see so many graduates still hanging around the school because the recession just went into full swing and massive lay-offs had just occurred in the art and entertainment industry. It was bitter disappointment for myself and my parents, and our relationship was sour and there were a lot of arguments that followed after.

Months later I started going to a community college and completing my general education in order to transfer to a university. Things were fine until I was diagnosed with GERD because of my junk food habits and lack of physical activity. I did nothing about it for almost two years except rely on famotidine and kept up my bad habits. That changed after getting gastritis and later discovering I had a hiatal hernia from an endoscopy exam a month later. I became depressed and anxious about my health. I went on a strict diet that meant no junk food whatsoever and a vitamin regiment including probiotics and a prescription of pantoprazole. I made significant progress losing fifteen pounds and dropping two waist sizes. I also walked more.

Despite positive changes I still worried a lot and stressed out over small things. I tried juggling too many things in a shorter period of time, and became unsatisfied with the results. My family went through an emotional crisis and we stopped talking to each other for a week. My mom's personal issues made her irritable and unapproachable, my dad's stress at work and frustration with bills, me being more reclusive and not going anywhere except school or the public library, it all lead to a climax that sent me into depression and anxiety disorder and having to go see my counselor to seek help. And of course my trip to the ER that has lead me to post on this forum.

All I'm wondering is could it get any worse? Any better? Must I deal with the fact that I have panic attacks with the possibility of more to come along with a range of new symptoms that make me more miserable than I already am? As if breathing and heart palpitations was not hard enough now my back and legs hurt and I'm so worried it stops me from doing what I want or triggering another episode of depersonalization.

I just want someone to talk to and feel better. When did that become so hard to do?

[Travelinglady]

I'm sorry you are struggling so. Remember that school in itself can be stressful, on top of everything else. I remember having heartburn for a week before a major biology test.

I can understand your anxiety, but I suggest you look for ways to try to calm yourself down--such as listing positive thoughts and not dwelling on worst-case-scenarios. Listen to relaxing music. Look at relaxing pictures. Take a nice warm bath or shower. Get your mind on good things such as positive memories, etc.

You will be okay.

[pinefield43]

Thank you so much for replying. I know I got carried away with telling every little detail but I just had to get it off my chest. I'm feeling better now and seeing a therapist who is really nice and supportive. I still have a long road ahead of me, and I know I will get through this so as long I keep working at it. Thank you again, your response was more meaningful than you could have imagined.

[Jenatorre]

I also suffer from anxiety. I get so anxious I cannot leave the house....My mother has to come with me to my violin lessons, and to my exercise classes. I am even too anxious to go to church. In the past, when I would have an anxiety attack, I would talk to myself using soothing and affirmative statements. I would also BREATHE. Lately, I cry a lot, and my mom has to calm me down. I stayed at home for two years, so I have forgotten how to manage my anxiety. I try to leave the house when I can....I find that exercise is very helpful. I now go to zumba and aquacise. It is good that you reach out for support when you have panic attacks (talking to your counsellor, nurses, and going to the ER). May I ask if you see a psychiatrist? He can prescribe you medication for depression and anxiety. I take medication for bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder. Medication helps a lot....