[saltysweet]

Hey everyone. I'm new here, and I actually joined to ask this question because it has been bugging me for a while now. I was going to post this in OCD but I decided after writing it that it seems more anxiety linked. Any help at ALL would be really appreciated!!

I have always been a fairly obsessive person. I have considered that I might have BPD because I have read so much about it and I identify with it so much, but since I do not have the means to get a psychological analysis at this time, I don't want to self-diagnose. I just want to find a solution.

These are the ways in which I am obsessive:

- For example, I want to start exercising on a fairly regular basis. Whenever I try this, though, it becomes an obsessive activity where I must exercise X much and burn X calories and I increase it more and more until I literally spend all of my time exercising and I don't even LIKE! exercise. I realize this might have something to do with breaking my association between weight loss and exercise, and might be linked with an eating disorder, but it's still the obsessive thoughts that linger in my mind and it's REALLY annoying. I just want to be a laid-back person and just DO things without obsessing over them.

- Another example: I love to read. I recently took out a few books from the library but I haven't read them. I feel like I need to divide each book's pages by the number of days I have to read them to make sure that I actually finish them. In other words, I need to set myself goals like read [x] pages a day. It's not about having a certain number of pages but I just feel so overwhelmed by reading that I'll need to mediate it in some way. Similarly, if I'm reading a book, even if I'm ENJOYING it, I'll think obsessively about how I'm reading too slow and there's still 100 pages left and I could have finished it by now if I wasn't THINKING so much.

- I recently got a job that I LOVE. I love everything about it except the part where I have to stand for my whole shift (I have really bad foot problems where it hurts excruciatingly even after like 20 mins of standing). When I'm at work, all I can think about is being home to relax. When I'm at home, though, all I can think about is that I'm going back to work in [x] hours and what's the point of DOING anything if I'm just going back to work? It keeps me from doing things like my own responsibilities such as cleaning OR even leisure activities like watching a movie. I feel like if I don't have 'unlimited time' (which is unrealistic, I know) then what's the point of doing anything because I'm going to -eventually- run out of time anyway.

I try to set schedules but then I become obsessive and rigid about the schedule and end up doing things (like leisure activities) I don't even want to do. Everything with me is either black or white; I need things to be completely unstructured or crazy structured.

How can I deal with this? If anyone even has a name for this or maybe even a self-help book I could read (if I can actually calm my thoughts about it, haha) about this, I would reaaally appreciate it a lot! Thanks for reading!

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

it does have some similarities to ocd but i'm not sure that's what it is. have you taken some of the tests on here? I would start with that. without outside help and medicine. I don't really know how other people cope, but I try to train myself to think the opposite. I have to get my weight down is what I want to think so I force myself to think it's good I am only working out enough to be healthy and not overdoing it since that can have the opposite effect. I don't want to do chores because i'm tired and sore from work and it's coming up again soon, if I keep a clean house I will feel less stress over it and be more energized as a result, I will not feel overwhelmed and like I am getting deeper and deeper in. it's easier to keep it clean then get it clean. etc.

[spondiferous]

It could definitely fall within the scope of OCD on the obsessive level. It could also be anxiety, because there is a high level of obsession within anxiety. (The best way to get an idea of this would be just to talk to a doc because they can help you better than I can, or anyone else here - we're not doctors. OCD is an anxiety disorder, so that's where the similarity could come from if in fact it is not OCD.)
I do all of the things that you have outlined. I even have the same problem with my feet. So hopefully it will help you to know that you're not alone. I have also been diagnosed with OCD and BPD, among other things. So yeah...again, I think you would benefit from going to a doctor and getting a professional assessment, if you haven't already.
It would be nice to hear from you again and to see how you're doing now.