[Redsoft]

So since about November I have developed some really bad social anxiety. Beforehand, I'd always felt uncomfortable out and about, avoided it whenever possible, but was basically functional. After some trying events, my social walls broke down and I'm completely "done." Can't find a suitable job, can't go to the grocery store, can't go out with friends I used to, can't go to certain restaurants (and certainly can't sit anywhere but a booth), etc. etc. ...

But, in reading more about it, and just from observing people's comments here regarding social anxiety, I'm starting to wonder if I do have "Social Anxiety" at all, but just anxiety plus some other problem instead, like paranoia or something.

I'm never worried about saying the right thing, or coming up with the right words, being able to function on the spot. I don't get sweats or get thoughts of self-consciousness or sudden low self-esteem type feelings. ...I simply feel like I dislike people. Obviously this isn't absolute (why would I be on a forum? Everyone is "people," haha), but it's kind of a guilty until proven innocent mindset I have. I've always had it, since I can remember. I had a great childhood...nothing that would have set me in that way, no parental "brainwashing" - in fact, quite the opposite - both of my parents are very sociable, love people, and all of the above, but are well-balanced in that they like their alone time too. I never had any terrible experience with strangers or at school that would prompt this guard.

I don't see what the big deal is, being with people. I don't want to be, most of the time. When I make friends, it's on accident, usually friends of friends that I've had since kindergarten and such. Guaranteed compatibility and some kind of given trust if the friend I trust trusts them. (Follow that? Hah.) I don't like talking to strangers or new people. I get no pleasure from it. I don't like sharing myself without having a reason. I don't care about people's feeeelings, how their day is, what they're doing that weekend. Why should I ask? Why should I say what they want me to say? Why should I be forced to do these things or suffer consequences?

One of the most serious reasons that I can't go out in public and be functional or get a social job is that on top of all of this, I feel constantly threatened by people. I feel that anyone could go nuts at anytime. Pull a gun, a knife, explode in rage, hurt someone else, rob the place - the list goes on. I feel like I must constantly be on guard, and that makes me anxious. Life could change in an instant and I must be vigilant. I feel this way even with my loved ones, and I don't know how to control it. Like, if they're cutting a tomato for a sandwich, I might think, 'He could just stab me right now,' and I have to back far away - but I won't say anything. It's almost phobic, but it's not as if if someone approaches me I go into a marital arts stance. I'll interact. I realize it's almost all irrational. But it drains me, almost immediately. I get more anxious afterward and I don't know why.

I have asked my psych about this and will be talking more heavily about it next session, but right now I am looking into possibly having schizoid personality disorder, and I'm wondering if I just have bad anxiety on top of this. I just recently learned about it, and at this point after reading more, I would be shocked if I don't have it. It's like reading a book of my life, these articles. Avoidant personality disorder fits the bill a little, but there is still a lot of mention of lack of self-confidence in social interaction, and I don't interact with that particular feeling at all.

Does anyone that knows more about social anxiety know if this is still considered part of that diagnosis, I guess? Or would you wager it may be something else?

[kaliope]

not that i can diagnose, but it sounds like run of the mill anxiety to me. i just picked up a workbook called the mindfulness and acceptance workbook for anxiety and you pretty much describe everything written in the book. very anxious mind you have going on there so dont worry yourself looking for more. you therapist can help you sort this out i trust. anxiety is a ***** to live with. i know, i am there every day with it. that is why i bought the work book. it is teaching me how to accept and live my life with anxiety. im really interested in seeing what it has to offer.

[spondiferous]

I agree, it definitely doesn't sound like social anxiety to me. Though I'm no expert. I have a bit of social anxiety and it's more like being self-conscious about how you will be perceived in social situations, not knowing what to say, obsessing about what you will say, or what you said, or who you will have to see, talk to, engage with, and being afraid of new situations with new people. (I'm sure there's a lot more to it but those are some of the things that I wrestle with from time to time, though it's relatively new for me.)
What you described about not really caring how a person is doing or if you interact with strangers? I feel the same way most of the time. I've got my own **** going on. I don't really have the time or energy to put into it. Mostly I don't even think about it. I don't feel anxious about it, though, except I do tend to judge myself about not being more considerate, caring, or compassionate.
What you're talking about, the fear of things changing suddenly, does sound like anxiety, but not really a specific kind. Everyone's anxiety takes a different form. You are lucky in that you can recognize it as irrational, even though it does take a lot out of you to engage in an appropriate response to the actual circumstance; I'm the same way dealing with my symptoms, though lately when I'm symptomatic I just end up staying at home because I am tired of expending all of the energy and effort it takes to give a damn about having to shield myself.
Hopefully things improve for you.