[henrydavidtherobot]

I would appreciate no judgment of me.

After a rough weekend of getting rejected by two love interests (pretty rough for me, I’m not used to rejection and I RARELY like anyone), I decided to go to hash bash with my friends for a day of fun to get my minds off of things. I smoked (something I never do) and was drinking all day. Come night time, I was very drunk and a man took advantage of me. I’ve had professionals say it was rape and I’m beginning to think the same. One of the men who assisted in my possible rape openly admits to doing so and says that its my fault because I’m a drunk slut and will get raped again soon. He even says “rape”. The other man kept bothering me too.

This has been incredibly hard on me. It seems to have had an impact on my social life and mental health to a high degree. I haven’t been the same person. I haven’t called it rape to anyone and just want to put everything behind me. Its so hard to see him though. It invokes a fearful response in me. I literally shut down and hide behind my male friends when he is around or I go home, even at my beau’s going away party. I have little support in dealing with this. No one takes me seriously.

Here is where it gets odd. The day I landed in Europe for a month long stay, he went missing. Everyone back home is talking about it and pretending like he’s not a crappy person. I’m grateful that I won’t have to be bothered by him again, but I’m afraid that all this publicity of him will make my already high anxiety skyrocket. I also fear being confronted about the issue and having to feign sadness for someone I despise. I fear that the man who assisted in my incident will tell people and then people will ask me about it or call me names and act like I’m making things up when I’m not even telling people about what happened. I am going to get so sick of seeing his face everywhere and having people like he was such a good person. I’m nervous to go home. I def will be drinking less when I'm there, but its hard sometimes because I'm dealing with some really rough stuff.

He's a rapist and he gets sympathy. The world is gross sometimes.

Though I’m pretty sure that the encounter was protected, I had an HIV test two months after the incident and it came back negative. However, I heard that the kid was doing heroin, so now I’m going to get tested again (just to be extra sure) but can’t for a week. How can I be sure to stay calm, though my fear is disproportional.

This whole affair has made me scared of the college drinking scene. I’m afraid to go back to it. I think I’m just going to stay at home until my beau gets back because being an attractive woman in a college setting is ****ing terrifying and I can’t handle it any longer.

Advice? Hugs? Words of encouragement? All would be appreciated.

[rise__above]

I am so sorry. Your situation is very unfortunate. I hope you can get past this and feel better soon!

[winter4me]

Please, if you can, do report the rape. At least go to a crisis center or talk to a therapist about it if you need to stay silent for now----you have been through a terrible, horrendous experience, and you need support from caring people. These men will do this to other women, and you are probably not the first. Often once one speaks up, others surface. Just please get some support for yourself to grieve and to decide what you need to do.

[henrydavidtherobot]

I am seeing a T. I just haven't been able to this month because I'm studying abroad. I don't think I'll report it. It's harder to put it behind that way. Besides, since the guy is missing, I don't want them to probe me about him and where he might be.