[Vipey]

My anxiety and panic attacks are completely controlling my life at the moment and I am at a complete loss as to where to go from here. I am a 33yr old male with well above average intelligence, but yet I have been trying to complete my BS in Computer Science for 13 years now (on & off). I am now 1 class away from graduating and my university is still trying to get me to pay them more money which I do not have (it is the most expensive publicly funded institution in the US). I am currently unemployed with a principal of $125k in student loan debt. I have an arrest record (6 arrests/domestic disputes) from a previous abusive relationship. These arrests resulted in every case being dropped, so basically I have zero convictions with an arrest record that makes me look unhireable. I feel in this age of data mining and background checks, even if I get the arrests expunged they will still persist in databases that have already mined the information. I am currently taking daily 1.5mg Xanax for anxiety & 900mg Neurontin for treatment/prevention of migraines. As needed, I am also prescribed Flexeril for muscle spasms and upper neck/back pain, as well as 100mg Tramadol for premature ejaculation and 50-100mg Viagra for the sexual dysfunction resulting from my taking Xanax and previously before that was on Klonopin for the same thing (which produced much greater sexual dysfunction). I also take Aleve, Prilosec, and Allegra/Claritin as needed for headaches/heartburn/allergies respectively. My doctor would prefer me to be on SSRIs for the anxiety but the ones I have tried all make me sick and feel very wierd (skin crawling/additional anxiety/etc.). I have alienated all of my friends because I am embarrassed to talk to any of them about losing my job or why I haven't finished school yet. I am a very spiritual person but abhor organized religion. I just simply don't know where to turn now. The only people in my life that I have regular contact with are my parents, who occasionally will throw money at me thinking it is going to solve my problems but they just don't realize I need guidance and not a money tree. I am in a happy, committed relationship but I can only put so much off on them, they can only hear my problems over and over so many times, and truly they are as much at a loss as I am as far as where to go from here. I do not have access to insurance or funding to actually see a mental health professional, nor do I think discussing these same problems once again is going to yield any positive results. My thoughts are that I have truly backed myself into such a deep hole that there is truly no way for me to resolve the issues that are plaguing me. I guess I am just looking for some advice/guidance from someone who may have had similar experiences, or at least some assurance that there really is still hope within the confines of realism. Because sadly I have reached the point of extreme hopelessness and despair. Sorry for the long wall of text and unnecessary run on sentences.

[spondiferous]

I'm sorry you've been going through this, and that nobody responded sooner. I have problems with anxiety and panic attacks. I don't have them constantly. I have episodes. And when it happens my life is a living hell. I become agoraphobic and can't be around anyone. Everything seems so hopeless because I can't function. I have to give up everything. I did a course of panic disorder-based CBT a few years ago after my last episode, which was alright, but to be honest by the time I actually got into the group I already had my own coping strategies from dealing with it on my own for so flipping long.
It's really hard to communicate just how debilitating this can be. I actually knew a woman who had pretty much hourly panic attacks...and she was an EMT! Worked for a bloody ambulance company! She worked in high-stress situations driving an emergency vehicle and had those attacks constantly. I don't know how people function in this world at all sometimes.
Just hang in there if you can. In my experience SSRIs don't help either. In fact nothing helped but agonizing time. During which I have pretty much lost my ability to even hope that I will ever be 'normal' again.