[HealingNSuffering]

So today was my first meeting with a pdoc in 11 years I used to self medicate with drugs. Well a few months ago I decided that I hate drugs so I quit doing them, all of them including caffeine but I still have a lot of anxiety, it feels dangerous.

For some reason I seriously left thinking I'm smarter than him. I was extremely anxious all day because I hate going to the doctor, especially pill doctors. I want to be myself, whoever that is. I'm sick of drugs, and I'm sick of feeling judged and guilty.

Just having a meeting with these people causes me so much anxiety and nervousness its unfair. I felt extremely agitated upon leaving because he told me to go to my doctor yeah cause that's exactly what I want to do when I leave a doctors office is go to another doctor.

The reason he said so is because of my blood pressure. It was high, which is a normal part of being anxious. I really don't want to take to SSRI's because I had a really bad experience with them when I was a young teen. Suicidal behavior and quit cold turkey after that which caused the worst withdrawal symptoms I ever experienced in my entire life. I don't know what was worse at this point the suicide attempts or the withdrawal syndrome, but they were both equally miserable. Needless to say I'm extremely skeptical about taking antidepressants ever again.

I had my blood pressure taken the other day when I had a headache and it was fine, 24 hour blood pressure monitoring when I was in a comfortable hospital a few months ago and it was fine. Do psychiatrists not know that temporarily high blood pressure is caused by anxiety, its called 'white coat syndrome' wtf. I've never been to medical school and I know that.

This whole visit triggered me and now I'm feeling stressed and I need to vent some of this steam off my chest. Ahhh I feel a little better already...

[gayleggg]

It's funny how a little venting sometimes can make us feel better. Sorry you are having such anxiety. I know it feels terrible. Only you can decide whether you want to try antidepressants again. Sounds like you really had a bad experience. I've heard that they can cause major problems for children and teens. Did you pdoc suggest SSRIs for you today? Or did he offer something else, other than seeing your doctor about your blood pressure. Hope you get to feeling better.
Gayle

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

It's funny how a little venting sometimes can make us feel better. Sorry you are having such anxiety. I know it feels terrible. Only you can decide whether you want to try antidepressants again. Sounds like you really had a bad experience. I've heard that they can cause major problems for children and teens. Did you pdoc suggest SSRIs for you today? Or did he offer something else, other than seeing your doctor about your blood pressure. Hope you get to feeling better.
Gayle

Thanks Gayle

I'm feeling better now after I relaxed to some soothing music, deep breathing during a nice guided meditation session, read for an hour out of this book called "resilience" and drank a fruit smoothie. Now that I'm in a different state of mind, I guess the visit wasn't that bad as it felt when I look at things objectively, I just get really nervous around doctors and am leery of their labels as I don't fit neatly into any of them. I took my blood pressure after I was at home and did the above mentioned techniques. So I saved money (I don't have much) by sparing myself the doctor visit. My primary care doctor was starting to get the impression I am a severe hypochondriac I've seen him so much this year. Which I probably am a little.

The pdoc did say he wouldn't put me on SSRI's again, which is good because I would've refused them anyways because of my past negative experience. It does seem like he wants to do a full evaluation before prescribing me meds. Which deep down I know is the right plan for a person like me who is sensitive to re-uptake inhibitors. But in the same sense I wouldn't mind having some temporary relief in the time being since he told me I need to stop taking supplements before he can give me any psychoactive medication.

He also made a few incorrect assumptions when I mentioned to him about me having flashbacks. When I said flashbacks he thought I meant hallucinations when I really meant emotional flashbacks familiar to many of us with anxiety issues. Good thing I go to therapy and am finally starting to develop a decent support network, between certain family members, a trusted friend and my therapist. I've been isolated because of anxiety for far too long. Good day to you.

[healingme4me]

On the one hand, I can appreciate, how frustrating it is, that a pdoc would want you to be under a general practitioners care for a blood pressure concern. At the same time, if there were blood pressure issues, then a pdoc would not be able to prescribe anything for blood pressure, if you even needed it. If you are getting your yearly physicals, I am confused as to why the pdoc would require you to return to your regular doctor?
Of course, elevated anxiety, could cause high blood pressure, but why only choose one doctor over another.
I feel, it's protocol, to ask if you are hallucinating. Every 6 weeks, I am asked the same questions, seeing and hearing things are just part of that check-list of questions I am asked while in the office. After all these years, I could probably rattle off the entire list, of the required questions.
It is good, that your pdoc, is going to take time, to sit with you, at each session, before deciding on what med would work best. I had several appointments, before a single medication was recommended as something he felt would help.
emotional flashbacks, aren't necessarily just for anxiety, but it was good to mention, perhaps, it's going to be part of an overall assessment when a diagnosis, is determined.
Are you also, in talk-therapy. Emotional flashing back, is about returning, at least to me, to a point in time, where I felt emotional trauma, and something about the here and now is evoking that similar emotion. A stress reaction, of sorts.
Yeah, I can see why you were asked to stop supplements. There is a risk of a not so good interaction between them.
Hope, you do, end up on a med that works, since you are going this route.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

On the one hand, I can appreciate, how frustrating it is, that a pdoc would want you to be under a general practitioners care for a blood pressure concern. At the same time, if there were blood pressure issues, then a pdoc would not be able to prescribe anything for blood pressure, if you even needed it. If you are getting your yearly physicals, I am confused as to why the pdoc would require you to return to your regular doctor?
Of course, elevated anxiety, could cause high blood pressure, but why only choose one doctor over another.
I feel, it's protocol, to ask if you are hallucinating. Every 6 weeks, I am asked the same questions, seeing and hearing things are just part of that check-list of questions I am asked while in the office. After all these years, I could probably rattle off the entire list, of the required questions.
It is good, that your pdoc, is going to take time, to sit with you, at each session, before deciding on what med would work best. I had several appointments, before a single medication was recommended as something he felt would help.
emotional flashbacks, aren't necessarily just for anxiety, but it was good to mention, perhaps, it's going to be part of an overall assessment when a diagnosis, is determined.
Are you also, in talk-therapy. Emotional flashing back, is about returning, at least to me, to a point in time, where I felt emotional trauma, and something about the here and now is evoking that similar emotion. A stress reaction, of sorts.
Yeah, I can see why you were asked to stop supplements. There is a risk of a not so good interaction between them.
Hope, you do, end up on a med that works, since you are going this route.

Thanks healingme4me

Yes I've been in therapy for couple months, it took away a lot of the anxiety I was having and reduced the frequency of unwanted flashbacks, panic attacks and scary nightmares. Its also helping the moderate depression I had. Because I'm practicing being "mindful" and getting better at setting boundaries. But I still have social anxiety that gets really bad in certain situation, such as seeing a new doctor or going to a place with lots of people I don't know.

I think its weird he wanted me to go to the GP to, it probably is just standard protocol. The only blood pressure issues I get is when my anxiety is really high. I get hypersensitive, heart palpitations, sweating palms, dry mouth, stuttering, irritability, nausea, increased startle response and apparently high blood pressure to. I've also been injured since February so I haven't been exercising as much as I should.

Yeah I think its good he wants to do the evaluation first to. The last thing I want is to get hooked on another Anti-depressant medication when I'm not even that depressed anymore. Yesterday I was smiling, laughing and enjoying myself, IMO that's not depression, I had almost no anxiety because I was living in the moment. I've been depressed a few times in my life and it felt like there was no sunshine, no joy, even when doing "enjoyable" activities.

Yeah I hope I end up on something that works to, I was talking to my T about this yesterday and she was saying how she thinks its a good idea for me to get on some "as needed" anxiety medicine. Since my depression is situational, usually triggered by my anxiety. Usually I feel "depressed" when I feel like I'm being left out or abandoned by loved ones. My anxiety is situational as well, I don't want to get hooked on drugs again. If the pdoc insists on anti-depressants I'll gladly decline his offer and just accept whatever label he decides to give me as my "official" diagnoses.

I didn't want medication really, especially not anti-depressants because I feel as if my depression was justified for all the hardships I've endured. Poverty, homelessness, drug addiction, abandonment, bullied by peers, imprisonment, police brutality, social injustice, being raised by neglectful alcoholics and repeatedly abused (emotionally, physically and spiritually) for my entire upbringing. Honestly I think I came out alright considering the circumstances. I just need something to take the edge off when I'm having a bad day, which will help save me from relapsing again.

The reason I'm resistant to drugging my feelings away everyday is because I was doing that for the majority of my life, I'm just now finding out who I am off drugs. When I first looked inward I realized that I had many issues that needed to be worked on. So my first option was therapy, second option was alternative remedies, now I'm going the psychiatric route. Because I think with the help of some good meds and cognitive behavior therapy I can over come these issues.

[healingme4me]

I am on an as needed anxiety med, myself. The last time, I tried an SSRI, it didn't react too well with me. Sometimes, I'd guess, it's difficult to express the difference between the anxiety and the depression. I have them both, but the anxiety seems to supersede the depression. I'm not depressed a lot, and I am prone more to anxiety. I get where you are coming from, on that.

If your pdoc, is taking their time, with you, then there is always that chance, they may just ask you, 'what would you like to do,' instead of, 'here you go, here's a prescription.' I know, that's how it works for me. Gives me a sense of empowerment with my emotional health care. And, I truly appreciate that, about my own personal experience.

Hope, it's that way, for yourself. Are you, testing your BP, at home? Or does your pdoc office, test the BP, there? I know the office that I go to, tests BP, but I am not one that gets tested. I believe, they only test certain patients, that are on certain meds. And I only know this, because I ran into my kids' adult cousin there, one day, recently.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I am on an as needed anxiety med, myself. The last time, I tried an SSRI, it didn't react too well with me. Sometimes, I'd guess, it's difficult to express the difference between the anxiety and the depression. I have them both, but the anxiety seems to supersede the depression. I'm not depressed a lot, and I am prone more to anxiety. I get where you are coming from, on that.

If your pdoc, is taking their time, with you, then there is always that chance, they may just ask you, 'what would you like to do,' instead of, 'here you go, here's a prescription.' I know, that's how it works for me. Gives me a sense of empowerment with my emotional health care. And, I truly appreciate that, about my own personal experience.

Hope, it's that way, for yourself. Are you, testing your BP, at home? Or does your pdoc office, test the BP, there? I know the office that I go to, tests BP, but I am not one that gets tested. I believe, they only test certain patients, that are on certain meds. And I only know this, because I ran into my kids' adult cousin there, one day, recently.

Yeah SSRI's are no fun to me either, the sexual side effects aren't worth it by themselves, let alone the increased risk of suicide and incapacitating withdrawal syndrome. You are right about the difference between anxiety and depression. I've noticed from analyzing my journal that anxiety, depression and anger are all related feelings that tend to feed off each other. My T said "their brothers" which makes a lot of sense to me.

Yeah I hope they do exactly what you said and ask me what I want to do, I know a lot about mental health, I've been a patient on and off my entire life, some of my earliest memories involve a child psychologist. I can relate about the empowerment as well, I think the reason none of the treatment worked when I was growing up. Is because I didn't want to fix my problems yet, I really wasn't ready. I was being forced by parents/teachers/judges etc. Now that I'm older I am in control of my recovery for once and it feels good, I feel proud of my sobriety for once and I'm finally realizing some of my strengths as well as my weaknesses.

I appreciate the good wishes, the pdoc tested my blood pressure and I measured high on the scale for BP and pulse rate, it was definitely hypertension. He recommended to go to my family doctor but I don't have insurance so I tested it at home because its much cheaper that way. I tested it several times since the anxiety went away and it has a normal reading. It was my first visit to him so maybe that's why he wanted to check it. Plus I already seen the doc almost 10 times this year due to a major injury, GI issues and abdominal pains.

[HealingNSuffering]

The second visit wasn't as bad but I had to put all my focus into being "mindful" and staying focused on the present, moment by moment. Sounds like he wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer, but I shrugged it off to be honest I don't really care for drugs anymore. He did exactly what healingme4me said and asked me what I wanted to do, I told him I just quit doing drugs, the last thing I want to do is start taking more drugs that are going to cause addiction. He offered Buspar, but we got to take some blood tests first something about the thyroid gland he said. We'll figure something out that works for me eventually, I wonder how well mood stabilizers work for anxiety.

I probably should have told him about the spasms and cramps to huh?

[wiseskmrlady]

how can you get someone to go to therapy that needs it very bad?

[wiseskmrlady]

relapsing is a scary thing it doesn't always end for the good but you have to keep trying I guess...stay positive

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by wiseskmrlady

how can you get someone to go to therapy that needs it very bad?

That's a really good question, I struggle with this myself. I don't know anybody who isn't suffering from neurotic or psychotic conditions, I've yet to meet a single soul who doesn't have their own set of issues that need to worked out in therapy. I recomend therapy to all my friends and family who I think could benefit from it. My best advice is not to put too much pressure, but make a suggestion that they should start going to therapy to talk about their problems. If you have to repeat yourself, repeat yourself in different ways and don't sound like a broken record or you think that they are crazy.

Most of my friends who are in treatment don't do therapy, they just take pills from psychiatrists. They think the 15-60 minutes they spend with their psychiatrist every few months qualifies as therapy. Many of them are not even aware of therapy. Some people may be more interested in group therapy than one on one sessions. Personally I think one on one sessions are the best. The thing about therapy is: if the individual doesn't want to change their behavior therapy tends to be little more than "scab picking" with cooperation and a good therapist one can make huge steps towards self-improvement in my experience. Hope that helps.

Originally Posted by wiseskmrlady

relapsing is a scary thing it doesn't always end for the good but you have to keep trying I guess...stay positive

Yeah relapsing is scary, I'm done relapsing. I have strong will power, plus I remember this saying from my 12 step days: 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough I actually convinced my friend not to drink earlier when we were at a restaurant that also serves alcohol. He wanted to get a drink, but he's taking Seroquel, Xanax and Wellbutrin I kept reminding him about the potential for liver damage and how its not worth it. I also used that A.A. line on him: One drink is too many and a thousand is never enough.

Been trying to stay as positive as possible, this cognitive behavior therapy is rewiring my whole brain up. I used to be Mr. Negativity, I couldn't enjoy myself and had a bias towards remembering extremely negative things and fears of what would happen in the future, predicting worst case scenario for everything. Now I look on the bright side of life, even if its after the fact. I noticed I had nothing but negative memories for awhile, now not only can I see positive things coming in the future, but I also remember positive things from the past as well. My glass is starting to become half full.