[scared222]

Please help me, I feel like I am going crazy. I know this is long and I am sorry but I just can't find relief. The main thing worrying me (because I have all of the symptoms of hocd) but I have never really felt anything toward guys which just spikes my anxiety even more. I am a girl.
1. Never had a crush on a guy
2. Tried to crush on a couple of guys when I was younger because I felt weird because I had never had one before
3. Used to question if a guy was actually hot because I honestly didn’t know
4. Was never boy crazy
5. More interested in strong older women whom I looked up to and admired
a. Wanted to be like them, tried to impress them
6. I want to get married so badly and have a family
7. If I try I can see myself having sex with a guy or making out and I think I get turned on
8. Then it fades and I get scared that I actually made it up
9. Afraid to make contact with females in general or look at anything sexual i.e. stripper scene in RENT women at the beach, saying (boobs, butt, sex etc.) making contact with any girls even friends for fear of liking it or being thought of as gay
10. Kissed a guy once in 7th grade and didn’t really feel anything
11. Terribly afraid of being gay
12. Now that I am older I can find guys attractive and sometimes get a little turned on
13. Can’t tell if I see a girl in a bikini if I actually like it or am so afraid I like it that I freaked out
14. Remember saying to myself “That’s okay I’ll experiment in college”
15. Don’t have any desire to be with a woman but afraid that I am actually repressing my feelings
16. My lack of attraction toward guys in general and being afraid to talk to them and not seeing myself ever forming an emotional connection makes me fear I am gay
17. I used to think I would never kiss a guy unless he fit very specific criteria
18. I have been trying to see if I was gay by checking if I have been attracted to basically any girl and get freaked out if I feel even a tiny bit but never really sure
19. Every time I try to accept that I am gay I freak out, want to cry and think “no I am not”
20. So scared of being gay
21. Have tried picturing girls naked but every time I freak out but then I think it’s because I am afraid I liked it
22. Always pictured myself with a guy but now I don’t know
23. Wish I could just have an arranged marriage
24. Would be fine with marrying the only person I have dated
25. Wishing I lived in the 1800s when being gay wasn’t really thought of and feelings weren’t so difficult
26. Feeling very strong, sometimes severe admiration toward mothers in general
27. I am very modest and care deeply about how elders think of me (don’t swear in front of them, try to disprove the stereotype teenager)
28. Feel like a guy will never love me/I will never love a guy
29. Have questioned my sexuality due to never having a crush but never obsessed over it like now which makes me wonder I accepted it back then but not now
30. Every time I think about what would happen if a guy asked me out I freeze up, get really scared almost repulsed and dismiss the idea
31. I have never wanted to have a relationship with a woman but then again I get afraid I am repressing it
32. Tried really, really hard to like guys and have crushes and so afraid of women could I have numbed myself to anything?
33. Once convinced myself I was a killer and cried for days
34. Convinced myself I liked the idea of being hurt
35. Sometimes had weird urges or thoughts that crossed my mind that I was afraid I would act upon
36. Always been very independent and extremely defensive
37. Could this all manifesting at the start of puberty stunted it?
38. Never really having an heterosexual history makes me so scared that I am actually gay and I freak out and can’t breathe

[gayleggg]

Hi, scared222. From what I'm reading I don't really think are gay but you anxiety about a relationship with a man keeps putting up a wall between you and mean. I think your fear of men makes it hard to have a relationship with one. Have you tried counseling? It might help you get over your fear and worry. I wish well and am glad you came to PC>

[scared222]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Hi, scared222. From what I'm reading I don't really think are gay but you anxiety about a relationship with a man keeps putting up a wall between you and mean. I think your fear of men makes it hard to have a relationship with one. Have you tried counseling? It might help you get over your fear and worry. I wish well and am glad you came to PC>

Thank you so much for responding. When I write it all out it seems silly and looks silly but I just can't get rid of the nagging fear and worry. I am going to start seeing a counselor about it and thank you for easing my fears.