[unfuntionablytired]

Im noticing the cause of my reservations and why acting upon them makes me tremor. I like to speak with the assumption that there will be no feedback, and that the feedback i do receive, will not be negative. But when it is negative, I react almost violently, or my anticipations of a reaction, cause me to go crazy. I tell myself im not concerned with others perceptions of me, and sometimes that is true, but other times i really am vulnerable. Today on a wilderness forum i posted a question about what you need to know about surviving on a homestead self sufficiently in the wild. Some idiot comes along and goes off at me about how I should do myself a favor, get a job and buy a condo because i obviously know nothing about common logic and basic living even in a domesticated society. Inside Im just thinking about how i already maintain my entire household and im not even the wife, im the kid. This guy was so ignorant. The thing was, that it really was just a dumb guy behind a computer trying to downgrade a teenage girl and instead of being angry i should pity him for having such an inferior intellect he had to put down little kids aspirations to feel better. But it still rocked me to the core with anger and it surprised me how easily somones false pointless comments could effect me, after all ive done and been through. It was nothing, it shouldnt have concerned me at all. But it did, it really really did, and as of now im still baffled why. It made me think of how most of the time i dont want to say anything at all because theres no point in putting me out for ridicule, and even positive kind , it just doesnt seem worth the effort at all when i already know i wont lead anywhere other than an "mmhm" and on to the next nothing. Everything is an empty trail and whether you participate or not , you still wind up in the same spot. words are breaths of air that dissipate into nothing regardless of the contents. We could sit on a bench and i could tell you the most intricate revelations of the world, and in the end , wed still be sitting on that bench looking at life through the same eyeballs we were born with. change wouldnt be apparent. I wish i could go back in time and take back the moment i analyzed worth to fragments and it lost its credibility as an object and turned into another slab of ink in the dictionary. Life would feel a lot more fulfilling.

Well firstly, I think it's great that you're looking at yourself with insight. It's not an easy thing to do and takes a lot of courage. I can relate when you say that negative feedback affects you so. I tend to be the same way. What seems like a trivial comment in retrospect can blindside me emotionally. I can also relate when you mentioned that you shouldn't even say anything at all -- I feel like that too! ALL THE TIME!

I am enjoying your self-reflection and I think it's really positive, thank you for sharing it. I agree with you on the last few lines, and can completely relate...

"I wish i could go back in time and take back the moment i analyzed worth to fragments and it lost its credibility as an object and turned into another slab of ink in the dictionary. Life would feel a lot more fulfilling."

I think we don't have to go back in time to do this.... Or perhaps that's my own wishful thinking. I also think it comes down to self -validation because others can't always provide the validation we need or desire. I think we can do that for ourselves at some point, of course with enough self-reflection and love.

Thank you again for sharing.